Jokes Thread

[Demannu]

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[Noggin]

Please don't be holding anything that might spill or break when reading this!!! -



Dear Arm & Hammer,
As your customer I would greatly appreciate in the future if you could affix warnings or perhaps bold letters depicting the words "MENTHOL" on the bottle of your "EXTRA STRENGTH PLUS" sinus rinse.

As a long time customer of your saline washes, I was left to assume that "EXTRA STRENGTH PLUS" referred to the sodium level in the saline spray. I stand corrected in my assumption. It actually means SPICY ACID BATH OF NOSTRIL LAVA.

This product set off an unexpected chain of events which led me to quite literally; shit my pants.

As with prior sinus rinses I inserted the nozzle into my nostril, tilted my head back, and began to spray the saline wash into my nose letting it work it's way through my sinus canals. Suddenly, with a thunderous vengeance, the menthol activated.

It felt like I had snorted pure wasabi. My whole head began to burn like a prostitute trying to enter the Vatican.

I felt burning in places I had never felt sensations before. It was so hot, my third eye began to water. I can only describe it as my "inside face" had caught on fire.

Meanwhile my teeth, armpits, and groin suddenly felt freezing cold. Parts of body began to tingle, as if my Spidey Sense was warning me that the worst was still yet to come.

This sudden combination of sensations prohibited me from leaning forward to let it drain from my nose into the sink.

Instead, it began to run down the back of my throat sending me into an uncontrollable coughing fit, ultimately leading me to lose control of my rectal retention.

Thus removing my ability to govern self control over my sphincter - which regrettably induced an episode of what I'd like to call "unexpected wet farts of despair."

I'd estimate, I coughed five times in total, whilst simultaneously farting each time. Each one sounding exactly like air escaping a balloons blow hole being pinched and spread apart.

Crying out in a high pitched whine mimicking someone whispering the word "Whhhhhhhyyyyyyyy?" in a really really sad voice.

Take note Arm & Hammer: "Half blind, on fire, and shitting your pants," were not mentioned in potential side effects. You may want to add that for legal purposes.

I implore your marketing and design department to have the word "VERY SPICY" printed on the front of the label. Along with "MAY SHIT PANTS."

Your loyal customer,
Sean

[Demannu]

[Count Steer]

Happened to me all the time and I'm slimmer and more handsome than him. I never posted it on Facebook. (There wasn't space...all the blokes on sports bikes, with their tribute Arais/Shoeis, leathers with humps in, bits of carbon and knee sliders etc etc etc etc etc beat me to it ).

[Mr. Dazzle]

I love these daft memes...

Gary Larson's far side innit.

[Mr. Dazzle]

[ChrisW]

My favourite Far Side panel:

[Yambo]

I made an advent calendar for Jehovah's witnesses.

Every time you open a door, a different voice says "Fuck off."

[Horse]

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[Felix]

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[Jody]

My 10 year old nephew got caught stealing from my porn stash. His parents were really pissed off. I told them:-

Relax and look at the positives, at least you know he's into kids his own age !

[Skub]

[Taipan]

[Taipan]

[Felix]

Not to brag, but l have this talent to know what's inside a Christmas present.
It's a gift.

[Felix]

I'd like to thank my neighbour for placing a cover over my car last night when it was frosty.
Ta, Pauline.

[cheb]

Never shout into a colander, you'll strain your voice.

[weeksy]

[v8-powered]

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[Demannu]

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