Jokes Thread

[ZRX61]

A group of Americans were touring Ireland.
One woman in the group was constantly grumbling: The bus seats are uncomfortable. The food is terrible. It's too hot. It's too cold. The accommodations are awful.
The group reached the site of the famous Blarney Stone. "Kissing the Blarney Stone brings good luck all your life," the guide explained. "Unfortunately, it's being cleaned today, so no one can kiss it. Maybe we can return tomorrow."
"We can't be here tomorrow," the cantankerous woman snapped. "We have another dull tour to attend. So, I guess we can't kiss that silly stone."
"Well," the guide replied, "it's said that if you kiss someone who has kissed the stone, you'll receive the same good fortune."
"I suppose you've kissed the stone," the woman scoffed.
"No, ma'am," the exasperated guide responded, "but I've sat on it."

[Count Steer]

They've released a new version of Monopoly. It's called 'Bonopoly' - 'cos the streets have no names.

Oh, and wrt the bad taste jokes, apparently this one won a prize:

I keep shouting 'Broccoli' and 'Cauliflower' at people. I think I've got florets....

Then people started complaining about it.

[636mick]

Remember, if you lose a sock in the dryer, it comes back as a Tupperware lid that doesn't fit any of your containers.

[636mick]

finally got eight hours of sleep. It took me three days, but whatever.

[636mick]

When you do squats, are your knees supposed to sound like a goat chewing on an aluminum can stuffed with celery?

[Demannu]

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[Horse]

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[Horse]

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[Taipan]

My mate has a bad stutter. By the time he told us his Nana had died we were all singing "Hey Jude"!

[JackyJoll]

[Ant]

He probably likes a swim in the pool and cheap beer.....

[Taipan]

For dinner I had a lovely pork wellington with pomme frites and a tomato reduction...

Spoiler

instagram video stealer

[Taipan]

[Taipan]

Best advert ever...

[KungFooBob]

Not me.

[Horse]

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[Horse]

@636mick One of yours?

National Highways identified a cluster of about 200 dead crows along a short stretch of the M1.

There was concern for Avian Flu. They contracted a Bird Pathologist to examine the remains of all the crows, and he confirmed the problem was definitely NOT Avian Flu, to everyone's relief.

However, he determined that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with HGVs, and only 2% were killed by cars.

They then hired a Ornithological Behaviorist to determine the disproportionate percentages for HGV versus car kill. The Ornithological Behaviorist determined the cause in short order. When crows eat road kill, they always post a "look-out Crow" in a nearby tree, to warn of impending danger.

His conclusion was that the lookout crow could say "Cah!", but he could not say "Lorry!"

[636mick]

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[636mick]

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[KungFooBob]

LOLZ!