mangocrazy wrote: ↑Mon Nov 06, 2023 4:43 pm
I really, really wouldn't beat yourself up about not riding your bike to the limit of its capabilities
That's the tip of the iceberg. I know I've made this about the MT, being a very recent example. But I think lots of my issues stem from the usual low self asteem. It's been talked about many times, in CBT, or other talking therapies. Never really got to the bottom of it. I decided all on my own that I'm shite at most things, whether it's doing something physical, or making stupid choices that I later regret.
I never had any positive re-inforcement growing up. I never got any praise from my parents, I never got asked about the things I liked doing. Only ever being grumbled at, usually for coming home covered in mud from riding my bike or playing football. Nobody took an interest in me. I think that just fills me with self doubt at everything, right down to the silly things like above. You'd think I'd have it figured out at 41.
tricol wrote: ↑Mon Nov 06, 2023 1:46 pm
Lot's of relevant posts on these last few pages for me.
I genuinely hope that everyone who is suffering finds the peace they need to carry on. I don't have the same outlook on myself, that's for sure.
It's coming into the worst time of year for me. Winter. The short days, long nights, cold temps.
I've been clinging on with my finger nails for a few months now. My dad is going through cancer treatment. My mum is in the final stages of her dementia. Being in a different country makes it really difficult to deal with. I have no idea how to feel about it or how to handle it. It's added this huge weight onto my already crumbling shoulders.
My days are just filled with my anxiety being all over the place. One minute I think I'm alright, the next it feels like doomsday. You think you will get used to it but it's a constant drain.
Even on the recent thread I posted about the new MT, I've almost talked myself into selling the bike. That's how my brain works, it focuses on something negative and tries to make the worst out of sometimes really trivial situations. Then it spirals out of control, so I started thinking about the money I spent on getting the bike in the first place and how I was stupid to make the decision I did.
I tried loads of CBT years ago and I always seemed to get textbook principles used on me, but nothing worked. I always felt worse after sessions of CBT.
That sounds hard, and I'm sorry to hear about your parents too. You are doing well, keeping things on an even keel and being logical and sensible and communicating about these issues.
I don't know what the answer will be for you. For me it was antidepressants and time and the right people supporting me; but that was me and we're all different.
I do know that when I was down, and also with friends who've had it, there is always an up after each down and after a while things look and feel more normal and happy again.
I'm glad nothing worse happened and Pen sounds great, you are lucky to have her love and support.
Have you considered getting professional help? I don't mean that facetiously, it might make things better going forward. Maybe you already have, just a thought.
MyLittleStudPony wrote: ↑Tue Nov 07, 2023 6:36 am
Yorick, that sounds scary and really not nice.
I'm glad nothing worse happened and Pen sounds great, you are lucky to have her love and support.
Have you considered getting professional help? I don't mean that facetiously, it might make things better going forward. Maybe you already have, just a thought.
I hope you feel ok now.
At the time I knew it was only temporary, but still scary. I am learning to live with it and deal with it.
Most of the time I'm happy as Larry.
Do you often feel angry? I never used to feel angry, but the older I've got the worst I've got. Thankfully I don't verbalize it or anything, I end up shutting down with it.
Today has already started sh1te with work stuff that is going to be a pain.
tricol wrote: ↑Tue Nov 07, 2023 9:17 am
Sounds pretty horrible @Yorick
Do you often feel angry? I never used to feel angry, but the older I've got the worst I've got. Thankfully I don't verbalize it or anything, I end up shutting down with it.
Today has already started sh1te with work stuff that is going to be a pain.
No, I rarely feel angry about anything. But often anxious and frustrated.
I think I will likely keep it, as I'll have to stump up more money to get something else and I know that will add in more stress.
On another note, I haven't been on medication for my depression/anxiety for years. I found it didn't do anything for me other than some nasty side effects. I do wonder now if it is time to revisit. Something has to change because I'm close to having a breakdown.
Yorick wrote: ↑Mon Nov 06, 2023 9:46 pm
15 minutes ago I started screaming and if there'd been a gun here, I'd have used it.
I made great pals with a lovely couple and the missus is slowly dying. Have made great pals and when we parted earlier it was a bit weepy.
Head was in a mess walking home and when I got in, Pen was on the patio with her UK pals having a great old time giggling and drinking
My head went and wanted to throw and smash things. The urge was berserk, so I screamed. Pen came in and just gave me a long quiet hug.
Calm now but was real scary. Walking nightmare.
The head is a funny thing.
CBA to explain the whole thing, but could write pages and pages trying to explain it
I'm trembling inside, but no idea why. I'm so so happy really, but sometimes I just feel shit. Sometimes 100% unhappy, rather than depressed
Shit Yorick, that sounds bloody scary! Well done to Pen for giving you the hug you obviously needed.
Have a serious think about getting some professional help with that, it sounds to me (as a complete amateur) that you have some unresolved issues with people around you dying. Knowing a bit about your back story I can understand that, time to get some help. Just talking about stuff can help, talk to Pen if you can't/won't go professional. Or just unload to someone on here, take your pick.
Yorick wrote: ↑Mon Nov 06, 2023 9:46 pm
15 minutes ago I started screaming and if there'd been a gun here, I'd have used it.
I made great pals with a lovely couple and the missus is slowly dying. Have made great pals and when we parted earlier it was a bit weepy.
Head was in a mess walking home and when I got in, Pen was on the patio with her UK pals having a great old time giggling and drinking
My head went and wanted to throw and smash things. The urge was berserk, so I screamed. Pen came in and just gave me a long quiet hug.
Calm now but was real scary. Walking nightmare.
The head is a funny thing.
CBA to explain the whole thing, but could write pages and pages trying to explain it
I'm trembling inside, but no idea why. I'm so so happy really, but sometimes I just feel shit. Sometimes 100% unhappy, rather than depressed
Shit Yorick, that sounds bloody scary! Well done to Pen for giving you the hug you obviously needed.
Have a serious think about getting some professional help with that, it sounds to me (as a complete amateur) that you have some unresolved issues with people around you dying. Knowing a bit about your back story I can understand that, time to get some help. Just talking about stuff can help, talk to Pen if you can't/won't go professional. Or just unload to someone on here, take your pick.
I typed it last night as I was feeling it. Seems a bit strange to read it now. But unloading last night has helped me see things.
tricol wrote: ↑Tue Nov 07, 2023 9:55 am
I think I will likely keep it, as I'll have to stump up more money to get something else and I know that will add in more stress.
On another note, I haven't been on medication for my depression/anxiety for years. I found it didn't do anything for me other than some nasty side effects. I do wonder now if it is time to revisit. Something has to change because I'm close to having a breakdown.
It sounds well worth considering. Someone sensible told me the side effects of not going on the tablets can be a lot worse than those from taking the tablets. FWIW I think I was on SSRIs for about a year and they helped me.
MyLittleStudPony wrote: ↑Thu Nov 09, 2023 1:23 pm
Someone sensible told me the side effects of not going on the tablets can be a lot worse than those from taking the tablets. FWIW I think I was on SSRIs for about a year and they helped me.
He doesn't sound very sensible, the tablets might work for some people, but they might be detrimental for others, I certainly wouldn't push them onto anyone with the view that everyone should take them.
The tablets often have what they are meant to prevent listed as side effects, never be afraid to question a mental health prescription especially one by a GP.
mangocrazy wrote: ↑Mon Nov 06, 2023 4:43 pm
I really, really wouldn't beat yourself up about not riding your bike to the limit of its capabilities
That's the tip of the iceberg. I know I've made this about the MT, being a very recent example. But I think lots of my issues stem from the usual low self asteem. It's been talked about many times, in CBT, or other talking therapies. Never really got to the bottom of it. I decided all on my own that I'm shite at most things, whether it's doing something physical, or making stupid choices that I later regret.
I never had any positive re-inforcement growing up. I never got any praise from my parents, I never got asked about the things I liked doing. Only ever being grumbled at, usually for coming home covered in mud from riding my bike or playing football. Nobody took an interest in me. I think that just fills me with self doubt at everything, right down to the silly things like above. You'd think I'd have it figured out at 41.
I could have wrote that last bit and tbh all my issues stem from childhood. It seemed great at the time but the stuff that was missing was apparently essential. Anyway I read one of your previous posts about CBT and how it didn’t work, I did the same and found it bollox. What I have found this year is psychotherapy, in simple terms it’s talking and it works for me as ultimately the answers I find all come from me. I go weekly and prob soon it’ll be fortnightly but have been going since January, I can’t see a time I won’t go even if infrequently. You’ll prob have to go private and it takes several weeks as they have to build a relationship with you especially before pushing a little to get you to think. Reading what you have written I’d say give it a go
Definitely need in person, I also tried SSRI’s and all I got was side effects plus a numbing of things I enjoy so ditched them pretty quick. There’s so many different means if help it can take a while to find the one that fits.
Yorick wrote: ↑Sun Nov 12, 2023 7:34 pm
Hey @Couchy , a few days enduro over here in the cold winter months will put a smile on your face.
I'll go slow so you can keep up
Thanks mate it’s a nice offer and thought, problem I have is I used to enjoy doing things knowing I had a family to go home to. Now I don’t I have no desire to do anything other than sit waiting for the next day I have my daughter. What I wanted is gone so not much point doing anything else anymore.
Yorick wrote: ↑Sun Nov 12, 2023 7:34 pm
Hey @Couchy , a few days enduro over here in the cold winter months will put a smile on your face.
I'll go slow so you can keep up
Thanks mate it’s a nice offer and thought, problem I have is I used to enjoy doing things knowing I had a family to go home to. Now I don’t I have no desire to do anything other than sit waiting for the next day I have my daughter. What I wanted is gone so not much point doing anything else anymore.
You'd be very welcome to bring your daughter here for a free long weekend.
Or half term.
Just giving you options.
When I'm in a hole, I try to look for future happy things.
