Jokes Thread

[ZRX61]

A little girl runs out to the yard where her father is working, and asks him, "Daddy, what's sex"...?
Her startled father sits her down, and tells her all about the birds and the bees. He tells her about conception, sexual intercourse, sperms and eggs.
He goes on to tell her about puberty, menstruation, erections, wet dreams... and, he thinks what the hell and goes on to tell her the works.
He covers a wide assortment of topics and by the time he's finished, his daughter is somewhat awestruck with this sudden influx of bizarre new knowledge.....
Her father finally asks, "So what did you want to know about sex for"...?
"Oh, mummy said to tell you lunch would be ready in a couple of secs".

[ZRX61]

A wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman. She was very upset.
_"You are a disrespectful pig!"_ she cried. _"How dare you do this to me – a faithful wife, the mother of your children! I'm leaving you. I want a divorce, NOW!"_
The husband calmly replied, _"Hang on just a minute love. At least let me tell you what happened."_
_"Fine, go ahead",_ the wife sobbed, _"but they will be the last words you say to me!"_
The husband began:
_"Well, as I was getting into the car at work to drive home, this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so distressed, helpless and defenceless that I took pity on her and let her into the car."_
_"She was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty and told me that she hadn't eaten for three days."_
_"Out of compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the pizza I made for you last night that you wouldn’t eat because you're afraid you'll put on weight. The poor thing ate it, ravenously."_
_"She was dirty. I suggested she have a shower. While showering, I noticed her clothes were filthy and threadbare. I threw them away."_
_"I gave her the designer jeans that you’ve had for a few years, but don’t wear because you say they are too tight."_
_"I gave her underwear, your anniversary present from me, which you don’t wear because you said I don't have good taste."_
_"I gave her the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas, that you don’t wear just to annoy her. I also donated those boots you bought at an expensive boutique but don’t wear because someone at work has the same pair."_
The husband paused, took a quick breath and continued:
_"She was so grateful for my understanding and help that as I walked her to the door, she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said, *“Please sir... Do you have anything else that your wife doesn’t use?”*

[ZRX61]

Pilot callsigns:
https://aviationhumor.net/the-100-most- ... lanations/

[KungFooBob]

I apologise in advance, yes it's bad, really really bad.

Two prawns were swimming around in the sea. One called Justin and the other called Kristian.
The prawns were constantly being harassed and threatened by sharks that inhabited the area.
Finally one day Justin said to Kristian, "I'm fed up with being a prawn; I wish I was a shark, and then I wouldn't have any worries about being eaten".
A large mysterious cod appeared and said, "Your wish is granted".
Lo and behold, Justin turned into a shark. Horrified, Kristian immediately swam away, afraid of being eaten by his old friend.
Time passed (as it does) and Justin found life as a shark boring and lonely. All his old chums simply swam away whenever he came close to them. Justin gradually realised that his new menacing appearance was the cause of his sad plight.
While swimming alone one day he saw the mysterious cod again and he thought perhaps the mysterious fish could change him back into a prawn.
He approached the cod and begged to be changed back, and, lo and behold, he found himself turned back into a prawn.
With tears of joy in his tiny little eyes, Justin swam to Kristian's home.
As he opened the coral gate, memories came flooding back. He banged on the door and shouted, "It's me, Justin, your old friend, come out and see me again".
Kristian replied, "No way man, you'll eat me. You're now a shark, the enemy, and I'll not be tricked into being your dinner".
Justin cried back "No, I'm not. That was the old me. I've changed..."
"I've found Cod. I'm a prawn again Kristian!!

[KungFooBob]

[Taipan]

[Taipan]

Met a woman in a bar last night. Must have been in her 60s, but proper fit and well up for it, flirting madly all night and then she said are up for a Sportsman's double? I'd never heard of it, so asked what it was ? She said, its a mother and daughter threesome if you're man enough for it! I thought if she's that fit in her 60s then wtf is her daughter going to be like! So I said yes, I'm well up for it. We left the bar and went back to her place. She walked in and put the hall light on and called up the stairs, "Mum, you still awake"?

[Taipan]

[Taipan]

[Horse]

[Taipan]

[Taipan]

[Taipan]

A sports car raced past me the other day, driven by a sheep in a swimsuit.

I think it was a lamb bikini...

[David]

We got broken into last night, someone got in and cooked all our eggs.
I think it was poachers.

I am glad you knicked Tiepin's joke buk rather than Yorick's.

[Taipan]

[Horse]

Cat-astrophy
Soldiers on firefighting duty during the great firemen’s strike of 1978 were called out to rescue a cat up a tree in South London.

The Green Goddess crew arrived with impressive speed and at first all went well.

The frightened feline was brought down safely from the tree and its elderly lady owner was so grateful she invited the whole Army crew in for tea afterwards.

But driving off later with fond farewells completed, their fire truck ran over the poor moggy... and killed it.

[Yambo]

Just a bit too topical at the moment Taipan but we all still laughed at it when I showed it around.

[Horse]

Yesterday I was travelling on Taunton road behind an ambulance.

Oddly, I noticed a small metal box sitting on the back bumper.

When the ambulance turned the corner, the box flew off and landed on the curb.

I thought it's time for me to be a good Samaritan so I pulled over and retrieved it.

Curious I made the mistake of opening it….there was a human toe packed on ice.

I thought someone probably really needs this so I called the hospital and told them what I saw.

They said 'yes, the ambulance had arrived minus the box!'.

I gave them my location and asked if they were going to send another ambulance to collect it?

The lady replied "No, we'll just send a toe truck......."

[Horse]

A funeral lost its body in the box going up a steep hill! It fell out of the back of the hearse, slid right down the hill, crashed into Boots, and stopped at the pharmacy counter. The lid came off and the body fell forward and said “Have you got anything to stop this coffin?”

[Taipan]