Jokes Thread

[Taipan]

Met a woman in a bar last night. Must have been in her 60s, but proper fit and well up for it, flirting madly all night and then she said are up for a Sportsman's double? I'd never heard of it, so asked what it was ? She said, its a mother and daughter threesome if you're man enough for it! I thought if she's that fit in her 60s then wtf is her daughter going to be like! So I said yes, I'm well up for it. We left the bar and went back to her place. She walked in and put the hall light on and called up the stairs, "Mum, you still awake"?

[Taipan]

[Taipan]

[Horse]

[Taipan]

[Taipan]

[Taipan]

A sports car raced past me the other day, driven by a sheep in a swimsuit.

I think it was a lamb bikini...

[Potter]

We got broken into last night, someone got in and cooked all our eggs.
I think it was poachers.

[David]

We got broken into last night, someone got in and cooked all our eggs.
I think it was poachers.

I am glad you knicked Tiepin's joke buk rather than Yorick's.

[Taipan]

[Horse]

Cat-astrophy
Soldiers on firefighting duty during the great firemen’s strike of 1978 were called out to rescue a cat up a tree in South London.

The Green Goddess crew arrived with impressive speed and at first all went well.

The frightened feline was brought down safely from the tree and its elderly lady owner was so grateful she invited the whole Army crew in for tea afterwards.

But driving off later with fond farewells completed, their fire truck ran over the poor moggy... and killed it.

[Yambo]

Just a bit too topical at the moment Taipan but we all still laughed at it when I showed it around.

[Horse]

Yesterday I was travelling on Taunton road behind an ambulance.

Oddly, I noticed a small metal box sitting on the back bumper.

When the ambulance turned the corner, the box flew off and landed on the curb.

I thought it's time for me to be a good Samaritan so I pulled over and retrieved it.

Curious I made the mistake of opening it….there was a human toe packed on ice.

I thought someone probably really needs this so I called the hospital and told them what I saw.

They said 'yes, the ambulance had arrived minus the box!'.

I gave them my location and asked if they were going to send another ambulance to collect it?

The lady replied "No, we'll just send a toe truck......."

[Horse]

A funeral lost its body in the box going up a steep hill! It fell out of the back of the hearse, slid right down the hill, crashed into Boots, and stopped at the pharmacy counter. The lid came off and the body fell forward and said “Have you got anything to stop this coffin?”

[Taipan]

[636mick]

I need some help.
A few months ago I accepted a friend request on Facebook from a guy called Buster, we share a liking for 70’s band the Sweet. He sent the odd video, some clips etc but then started to bombard me with, not only videos but also messages that were non stop. As much as I like The Sweet I thought enough is enough so I tried to unfriend him, block him whatever was needed but this is where I ran into a problem and was unable to do it, so could do with some tech type help.
Does anyone know the way?
There’s got to be a way to block Buster!











Sorry.
Mick

[Docca]

[slowsider]

I need some help.
A few months ago I accepted a friend request on Facebook from a guy called Buster, we share a liking for 70’s band the Sweet. He sent the odd video, some clips etc but then started to bombard me with, not only videos but also messages that were non stop. As much as I like The Sweet I thought enough is enough so I tried to unfriend him, block him whatever was needed but this is where I ran into a problem and was unable to do it, so could do with some tech type help.
Does anyone know the way?
There’s got to be a way to block Buster!

we just haven't got a clue what to do.

[Taipan]

I saw a midget climbing down the prison wall on a rope made of sheets the other day. He gave me a really patronising look before running away. I thought to myself, 'Well, that's a little con descending'...

[Yorick]

I saw a midget climbing down the prison wall on a rope made of sheets the other day. He gave me a really patronising look before running away. I thought to myself, 'Well, that's a little con descending'...

Have you opened the Christmas crackers early this year?