Jokes Thread

[Taipan]

[Yorick]

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[Horse]

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[ZRX61]

[ZRX61]

A couple were on their honeymoon:

Lying in bed, about ready to consummate their marriage, when the new bride says to the husband:

"I have a confession to make, I'm not a virgin."

The husband replies. "That's no big thing in this day and age."

The wife continues. "Yeah, I've been with one other guy."

"Oh yeah? Who was the guy?"

"Tiger Woods."

"Tiger Woods, the golfer?"

"Yeah."

"Well he's rich, famous and handsome. I can see why you went to bed with him."

The husband and wife then make passionate love.

When they get done, the husband gets up and walks to the telephone.

"What are you doing?" Says the wife.

The husband says. "I'm hungry, I was going to call room service and get some food."

"Tiger wouldn't do that."

"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"

"He'd come back to bed and do it a second time."

The husband puts down the phone and goes back to bed to make love with his wife a second time.

When they finish, he gets up and goes over to the phone.

"What are you doing?" She says.

The husband says. "I'm still hungry so I was going to get room service to get some food."

"Tiger wouldn't do that."

"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"

"He'd come back to bed and do it one more time."

The guy slams down the phone and goes back to bed and makes love to his wife one more time.

When they finish he's tired and beat.

He drags himself over to the phone and starts to dial.

The wife asks. "Are you calling room service?"

"No! I'm calling Tiger Woods to find out what's par for this hole."

[ZRX61]

An avid golfer was involved in a terrible car crash and rushed to the hospital. Just before he was put under, the surgeon popped in. “I have some good news and some bad news,” says the surgeon. “The bad news is that I have to remove your right arm!”

“Oh God no!” cries the man. “My golfing is over! Please, Doc, what’s the good news?”

“The good news is I have another arm to replace it with, but it’s a woman’s arm and I’ll need your permission for the transplant.”

“Go for it, Doc,” says the man, “as long as I can play golf again.” The operation went well, and a year later the man was on the golf course when he bumped into the surgeon.

“Hi, how’s the new arm?” asks the surgeon.

“Just great,” says the golfer. “I’m playing the best golf of my life. My new arm has a much finer touch, and my putting has really improved.”

“That’s great,” said the surgeon. “Not only that,” continued the golfer, “my handwriting has improved, I’ve learned how to sew my own clothes, and I’ve even taken up painting landscapes in watercolors.”

“That’s unbelievable!” said the surgeon. “I’m so glad the transplant was such a success. Any side effects?”

“Well, just two,” said the golfer. “I have trouble parallel parking, and every time I get an erection I also get a headache.”

[Taipan]

[Yorick]

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[Felix]

Spotted in Liverpool

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[Horse]

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[ZRX61]

A man steps out onto the street and catches a taxi just as it’s going by. He gets in, and the cabbie says, “Perfect timing. You’re just like Frank.”

“Who?” the passenger asks.

“Frank Feldman,” the cabbie says. “He was a guy who did everything right, all the time. Like me coming along just when you needed a cab. Things like that always happened to Frank Feldman.”

“Well, nobody’s perfect,” the passenger says.

“Not Frank Feldman,” the cabbie replies. “He was a terrific athlete. He could’ve won a Grand Slam in tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star. And you should’ve heard him play piano. He was amazing.”

“Sounds like he was something special,” the passenger says.

“There’s more,” the cabbie continues. “He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everyone’s birthday. He knew all about wine — what to order, which fork to use. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street goes dark. But Frank Feldman could do everything right.”

“Wow,” says the passenger, “what a guy.”

“And he always knew the fastest route through traffic,” the cabbie adds. “Not like me. I’m always getting stuck. But Frank never made a mistake. And he knew how to treat a woman. He’d never talk back, even if she was wrong. His clothes were always spotless, his shoes polished. The perfect man. Nobody could measure up to Frank Feldman.”

The passenger pauses, then asks, “So how did you meet him?”

The cabbie says, “I never did. He died… and I married his widow.”

[Horse]

Airlines have agreed that, when two female pilots form the crew, the term 'cockpit' will no longer be used

Instead, the pilot-occupied area at the front of the aircraft will be known as the 'clitpit'.

This will also have a significant safety and security benefit.

Most hijackers are male, so a substantial number of them will be unable to find it.

[gremlin]

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Got told by some council official that I couldn't take Syds for a walk in the woods today.

Apparently it's a Ban Collie Day.



I'll get my coat and Syd's lead...

[Taipan]

[Felix]

Keir Starmer’s barber to receive MBE for showing years of unbelievable restraint

[Soupdragon]

This is what a snail sees if you pick it up and carry it across the garden.

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[Taipan]

Korea has finally quit eating animals we think of as pets, and replaced them with an instant ‘just add hot water’ snack called Not Poodle.

[ZRX61]

A woman went to the emergency room, where she was seen by a young new doctor.

After about 3 minutes in the examination room, the doctor told her she was pregnant.

She burst out of the room and ran down the corridor screaming.

An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was; after listening to her story, he calmed her down and sat her in another room.

Then the doctor marched down the hallway to the first doctor's room.

"Whats wrong with you?" he demanded. This woman is 63 years old, she has two grown children and several grandchildren, and you told her she was pregnant?!!"

The new doctor continued to write on his clipboard and without looking up said:
"Does she still have the hiccups?

[Didge]

[Taipan]

I'm think I'm going to start up a small business, cleaning mirrors. It's something I can see myself doing...