Jokes Thread

[Horse]

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[ZRX61]

A large woman wearing a sleeveless sundress walks into a pub in Dublin. She raises her right arm, revealing a huge hairy armpit. She points to all the people sitting at the bar and asks,

"What man here will buy a lady a drink?"

The bar goes silent as the patrons try to ignore her. But down at the end of the bar, an old, owl-eyed drunk slams his hand down on the counter and bellows, "Give the ballerina a drink!" The bartender pours the drink and the woman chugs it down. She turns to the patrons and again points around at all of them, revealing the same hairy armpit, and asks,

"What man here will buy a lady a drink?"

Once again, the same little old drunk slaps his money down on the bar and says, "Give the ballerina another drink!"

The bartender approaches the little old drunk and says, "Tell me, Paddy, it's your own darn business if you want to buy the lady a drink, but why in tarnation do you keep calling her the ballerina?"

The drunk replies, "Any woman who can lift her leg that high has got to be a ballerina!"

[ZRX61]

A psychology professor starts his lecture by telling the students:

"Today we'll learn about the three stages of human emotion: surprise, irritation, and rage."

With that, he takes his phone out of his pocket, puts it on speaker, and dials a random number.

"Hello, may I please speak to Dave?" says the professor when the other person answers.

"No, I'm sorry, you have the wrong number" says the person on the other end.

"You see that students, that's surprise. Now allow me to show you what irritation sounds like."

He picks up the phone again, and dials the same number. When it answers, the professor asks.

"Hi, can Dave come to the phone?"

"I told you you have the wrong number"

"That's irritation, my friends" says the professor. "Now, let's look at what rage looks like"

He picks up the phone and dials the number again. When it answers he asks.

"Is Dave available?"

"LISTEN, YOU FOOKING DIPSHIT. IF YOU CALL THIS NUMBER AGAIN, I'LL COME OVER, BREAK THAT PHONE IN HALF AND SHOVE IT UP YOUR ARSE!!!!!!"

"And that's rage."

"Professor, you forgot the fourth stage," says a young man in the front rows.

"And what might that be?" asks the professor.

"It's called the stage of total confusion. Allow me to demonstrate" He comes up to the podium, takes the professor's phone and dials the same number.

"Hello, this is Dave, has somebody called me today?"

[Taipan]

[ZRX61]

A young Guardsman is on the gate at Buckingham palace.

The RSM walks up to him and says "Right lad, the Queen is out on public duties I want to know the minute she gets back here, do you understand? The minute she's back you let me know".

"Yes sir " says the young guardsman

So 10 minutes later a big limo pulls in through the gates, the young guardsman stops the car, pops his head in and says " scuse me ma'am are you the Queen? "

"No I'm princess Ann"

"ok sorry to delay you, proceed".

The next limo pulls in and he sticks his head in the window " scuse me ma'am are you the Queen? "

"No I'm princess Margaret".

" Ok sorry to delay you ma'am, proceed."

Next limo pulls in and same again, he sticks his head in the window, "Scuse me ma'am, are you the Queen?."

"Yes I'm the Queen".

"Right" he says. "Well make yourself fucking scarce love cos the RSM is looking for you!".

[Taipan]

[Taipan]

[ZRX61]

A young doctor had moved out to a small community to replace a doctor who was retiring.

The older doctor suggested that the young one accompany him on his rounds so the community could become used to a new doctor.

At the first house a woman complains, “I've been a little sick to my stomach.”

The older doctor says, “Well, you've probably been overdoing the fresh fruit. Why not cut back on the amount you've been eating and see if that does the trick?”

As they left the younger man said, “You didn't even examine that woman? How'd you come to the diagnosis so quickly?”

“I didn't have to. You noticed I dropped my stethoscope on the floor in there? When I bent over to pick it up, I noticed a half dozen banana peels in the trash. That was probably what was making her sick.”

“Huh,” the younger doctor said. “Pretty clever. I think I'll try that at the next house.”

Arriving at the next house, they spent several minutes talking with a younger woman.

She complained that she just didn't have the energy she once did and said, “I'm feeling terribly run down lately.”

“You've probably been doing too much work for the church," the younger doctor told her. "Perhaps you should cut back a bit and see if that helps."

As they left the elder doctor said, "I know that woman well. Your diagnosis is almost certainly correct, but how did you arrive at it?"

“I did what you did at the last house. I dropped my stethoscope, and when I bent down to retrieve it, I noticed the preacher under the bed.”

[ZRX61]

A man who has just died is brought to the mortuary wearing an expensive, beautifully tailored black suit.

The mortician asks the widow how she’d like her husband dressed for the viewing. He mentions that he already looks quite nice in the black suit.

But the widow says, “No, he always looked his best in blue.”

She hands the mortician a blank check and says, “I don’t care how much it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.”

The next day, she returns for the wake — and is stunned. Her husband is dressed in a beautiful blue suit with a subtle stripe, perfectly fitted.

She says, “This is incredible. You did an excellent job. How much did it cost?”

The mortician hands back the blank check. “Nothing at all.”

“What do you mean nothing?” she asks. “I insist on paying you.”

He smiles and says, “Well, another gentleman of your husband’s size was brought in shortly after you left… and he happened to be wearing a very nice blue suit.”

“I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice.”

“So, at that point, it was really just a matter of switching the heads.”

[Taipan]

My wife said if you’re bored why don’t you make a bird table. Now she’s fuming as I put her in 5th place!

[Taipan]

[ZRX61]

A man got home and found his wife in tears.

“What’s wrong?” he asked gently.

Sniffling, she replied,
“The pharmacist was so rude to me on the phone this morning! I had to call over and over before he finally picked up.”

Furious, the husband headed straight to the pharmacy, ready to demand an apology.

Before he could say much, the pharmacist raised a hand and said,
“Just a second, hear me out first.”

“This morning, my alarm didn’t go off. I woke up late, skipped breakfast, and rushed out… only to realize I’d locked my keys inside the house and car.”

“I had to break a window to get them. Then I sped off and got a ticket. A few streets from here, I got a flat tire.”

“When I finally opened the shop, customers were already waiting. I started helping them, but the phone kept ringing nonstop.”

“I grabbed a bag of coins for change and dropped them everywhere. I’m on the floor picking them up while the phone keeps ringing.”

“I stand up, bang my head on the register, stumble back into a shelf of perfume, and smash half of it.”

“And still, that phone is ringing. So I finally answer it.”

“It was your wife.”

“She wanted to know how to use a rectal thermometer.”

“And honestly, mate… I swear… all I did was tell her how to use it.”

[ZRX61]

A bloke goes into a pub on a hot summer’s day and the barmaid asks what he wants...

"I want to bury my face in your cleavage and lick the sweat from between your tits" he says.

"You dirty pig!" shouts the barmaid, "get out before I get my husband."

The bloke apologizes and promises not to repeat his gaffe.

The barmaid accepts this and asks him again what he wants. "I want to pull your pants down, spread your arse cheeks and lick all that sweat."

She says, "You dirty filthy pervert! You're banned. Get out!!"

Again, the bloke apologizes and swears never ever to do it again. "One more chance," says the barmaid, "Now - what do you want?

"I want to turn you upside-down, tear your knickers off and fill your pussy with Guinness, and then drink every last drop from your hairy cup."

The barmaid is furious at this personal intrusion, and runs upstairs to fetch her husband, who's sitting quietly watching the telly.

"What's up love?" he asks.

"There's a bloke in the bar who wants to put his head between my tits and lick the sweat off", she says.

"I'll kill him. Where is he?" storms the Husband.

"Then he said he wanted to spread my arse cheeks and lick the sweat off" she screams.

"Right. He's dead!" says the husband, reaching for his cricket bat.

"Then he said he wanted to turn me upside-down, fill my pussy with Guinness and then drink it all" she cries

The husband puts down his bat and returns to his armchair, and switches the telly back on.

"Aren't you going to do something about it?" she cries hysterically.

"Look love, I'm not messing with any bloke who has the strength to flip you upside-down and can drink that much Guinness..."

[ZRX61]

A doctor and a lawyer are chatting at a party, just trying to relax...
But every five minutes, someone interrupts the doctor:
“Can you look at this rash?”
“My back’s been killing me...”
“Does this mole look weird?”
After an hour of free check-ups, the doctor sighs and asks the lawyer:
“How do you deal with people asking for free legal advice outside of work?”
The lawyer smirks:
“Simple. I give them advice… then I mail them a bill.”
The doctor blinks.
“You’re joking.”
“Not even a little.”
Inspired (and mildly vengeful), the doctor decides to try it.
The next day, he writes up bills for everyone who bugged him at the party.
As he heads to the mailbox to send them off…
He finds something already waiting for him.
A bill.
From the lawyer.

[Taipan]

[Taipan]

[ZRX61]

A man came home from work one evening and instantly knew something was very wrong.

All five kids were outside —
still in their pajamas, playing in the mud, with empty food boxes and wrappers scattered across the yard.

The front door was wide open.
His wife’s car door was open, too. No sign of the dog. Inside the house, the chaos continued.

The living room looked like a tornado hit it — a lamp knocked over, rug shoved against the wall,
toys and clothes everywhere, TV blasting cartoons.

In the kitchen…the sink was overflowing with dishes,
food spilled on the counters,
fridge door hanging open, dog food all over the floor, a broken glass under the table, and sand tracked in by the back door.

He rushed upstairs, stepping over toys and laundry, calling for his wife. Then he saw water seeping out from under the bathroom door.

Inside the bathroom, he saw —wet towels, toys everywhere,
toilet paper shredded across the floor, toothpaste smeared on the mirror and walls.

Panicking now, he ran to the bedroom. There he found his wife. Still in her pajamas. Curled up in bed. Calmly reading a novel.

She looked up, smiled, and asked, “How was your day?”

Stunned, he asked, “What on earth happened here today?”

She smiled again and answered, "You know how every day when you come home from work, you ask me what in the world do I do all day?"

"Yes," was his incredulous reply.

She answered, "Well, today I didn't do it."

[ZRX61]

Roger, 85, married Jenny, a lovely 25 year old...

Since her new husband is so old, Jenny decides that after their wedding she and Roger should have separate bedrooms, because she is concerned that her new but aged husband may over-exert himself if they spend the
entire night together.

After the wedding festivities Jenny prepares herself for bed and the expected knock on the door.

Sure enough the knock comes, the door opens and there is Roger, her 85 year old groom, ready for action.

They unite as one.

All goes well, Roger takes leave of his bride, and she prepares to go to sleep.

After a few minutes, Jenny hears another knock on her bedroom door, and it's Roger,

Again he is ready for more 'action'. Somewhat surprised, Jenny consents for more coupling.

When the newlyweds are done, Roger kisses his bride, bids her a fond good night and leaves.

She is set to go to sleep again, but, aha, you guessed it - Roger is back again, rapping on the door and is as fresh as a 25-year-old, ready for more 'action'.

And, once more they enjoy each other.

But as Roger gets set to leave again, his young bride says to him, 'I am thoroughly impressed that at your age you can perform so well and so often. I have been with guys less than a third of your age who were only
good once. You are truly a great lover, Roger.'

Roger, somewhat embarrassed, turns to Jenny and says: 'You mean I was here already?'

[Taipan]

Bit of scandal in my village.
Local hairdresser has gone down for 9 years for drug dealing.
Gobsmacked, been going to her for years,
had absolutely no idea she was a hairdresser!

[Taipan]