Jokes Thread

[JackyJoll]

[Taipan]

[Skub]

Irish Rain.jpeg (92.64 KiB) Viewed 1357 times

[Taipan]

[ZRX61]

Last night, I finally found the courage and pulled out a nose hair to see if it really hurt…

Judging by how fast my wife woke up screaming, it seemed like it was pretty painful.

[Dodgy69]

[ZRX61]

[ZRX61]

John had just failed his law exam, but instead of sulking, he marched straight to his professor’s office with a plan.

John: “Sir, is it true you know everything about law?”

Professor: “Naturally. I’ve been teaching it for over 30 years.”

John: “Perfect. Let’s make a deal. If you can answer my question, I’ll accept my failing grade. But if you can’t… you give me an ‘A.’

The professor, amused and slightly arrogant, agreed.
Professor: “Go ahead. Ask.”

John: “What is legal but not logical, logical but not legal, and neither legal nor logical?”

The professor froze. He thought. He scribbled notes. He paced the room. Hours ticked by, but he couldn’t crack it. Finally, red-faced and defeated, he gave John an “A.”

The next day, still fuming and desperate for answers, the professor posed the riddle to his class.

Professor: “Who can tell me—what is legal but not logical, logical but not legal, and neither legal nor logical?”

To his surprise, nearly every hand shot up.

He called on one student.
Student: “Sir, you’re 65 years old and married to a 28-year-old woman. That’s legal but not logical. Your wife is having an affair with a 23-year-old man. That’s logical but not legal. And finally… you just gave your wife’s boyfriend an ‘A’ after he failed his exam. That’s neither legal nor logical”

[Taipan]

[ZRX61]

A guy driving an old station wagon pulls up at a stoplight next to a Rolls Royce

The driver of the station wagon rolls down his window and shouts to the driver of the Rolls, "Hey, buddy, that's a nice car. You got a phone in your Rolls? I've got one in my station wagon!"

The driver of Rolls looks over and says simply, "Yes I have a phone."

The driver of the station wagon says, "Cool! Hey, you got a fridge in there too? I've got a fridge in the back seat of my station wagon!"

The driver of the Rolls, looking annoyed, says, "Yes, I have a refrigerator."

The driver of the station wagon says, "That's great, man! Hey, you got a TV in there, too? You know, I got a TV in the back seat of my station wagon!"

The driver of the Rolls, looking very annoyed by now, says, "Of course I have a television. A Rolls-Royce is the finest luxury car in the world!"

The driver of the station wagon says, "Very cool car! Hey, you got a bed in there, too? I got a bed in the back of my station wagon!"

Upset that he did not have a bed, the driver of the Rolls-Royce sped away, and went straight to the dealer, where he promptly ordered that a bed be installed in the back of the Rolls. The next morning, the driver of the Rolls picked up the car. The bed looked superb, complete with silk sheets and brass trim. It was clearly a bed fit for a Rolls Royce.
So the driver of the Rolls begins searching for the station wagon, and he drove all day. Finally, late at night, he finds the station wagon parked, with all the windows fogged up from the inside.
The driver of the Rolls got out and knocked on the station wagon. When there wasn't any answer, he knocked and knocked, and eventually the owner stuck his head out, soaking wet.
"I now have a bed in the back of my Rolls-Royce," the driver of the Rolls stated arrogantly.

The driver of the station wagon looked at him and said, "You got me out of the shower for that?"

[ZRX61]

[Docca]

[Taipan]

Why do scuba divers fall backwards out of their boats?







Cos, if they fell forwards they'd still be in it!

[KungFooBob]

FB_IMG_1771582180850.jpg (59.63 KiB) Viewed 877 times

[ZRX61]

Olaf the Viking is shopping in the supermarket when he comes across an old lady in a wheelchair, almost in tears.
"What's the matter?" asks Olaf "Oh" sobs the lady "I want to have a look at the frozen puddings but, as you see, there are three steps down to the chiller cabinets" "No problem" says Olaf, lifting her on to his back "I'll take you."
Olaf strolls through the chiller cabinets with the old lady on his back. She selects several puddings and puts them in her basket. At the other end the old lady's husband is waiting for her with the wheelchair.
"I'd really like to thank you" says the old lady as Olaf sets her back down in the chair, "but I don't even know who you are." Olaf just waves and walks off.
"I was really worried about you," said her husband "What have you been doing?"

"I've been through the desserts on a Norse with no name."

[Count Steer]

Why do scuba divers fall backwards out of their boats?







Cos, if they fell forwards they'd still be in it!

Told my missus that one. She laughed herself silly.

"Best joke since 'what's brown and sticky?' that one' she claims.

[ZRX61]

My mate suddenly quit his job at BMW.

He gave absolutely no indication he was leaving.

[ZRX61]

[Taipan]

[ZRX61]

A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper of 20 years, Guido, has cheated him out of $10 million.

Guido is deaf which is why he got the job in the first place.

The Godfather assumed that since Guido could not hear anything, he could never testify in court.

When the Godfather goes to confront Guido about his missing $10 million,
he takes along his personal lawyer because he knows sign language.

The Godfather tells the lawyer, "Ask him where the money is!"
The lawyer, using sign language, asks Guido, "Where's the money?"
Guido signs back, "I don't know what you are talking about."
The lawyer tells the Godfather, "He says he doesn't know what you are talking about."

The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to Guido's head and says, "Ask him again or I'll kill him!"

The lawyer signs to Guido, "He'll kill you if you don't tell him."
Guido trembles and signs back, "OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed at my cousin Bruno's house."

The Godfather asks the lawyer, "What did he say?"

The lawyer replies, "He says you don't have the balls to pull the trigger."