Jokes Thread

[Pirahna]

We've always liked the idea of being "Snowbirds". Winter in Spain, summer in Blighty.

It gets cold and wet in Spain too. Houses often have no insulation and minimal heating, choose your winter location carefully.

[Jody]

I'm doing dry Jan

She hates it when I call her that


But that's menopausal women for you.

[Yorick]

We've always liked the idea of being "Snowbirds". Winter in Spain, summer in Blighty.

It gets cold and wet in Spain too. Houses often have no insulation and minimal heating, choose your winter location carefully.

We have neither, but the house never goes below 20c. Overnight drops as low as 14c. But 20c every day and sun keeps the house warm.

[Taipan]

We've always liked the idea of being "Snowbirds". Winter in Spain, summer in Blighty.

It gets cold and wet in Spain too. Houses often have no insulation and minimal heating, choose your winter location carefully.

We have neither, but the house never goes below 20c. Overnight drops as low as 14c. But 20c every day and sun keeps the house warm.

Anything for sale in your road Bud?

[Yorick]

It gets cold and wet in Spain too. Houses often have no insulation and minimal heating, choose your winter location carefully.

We have neither, but the house never goes below 20c. Overnight drops as low as 14c. But 20c every day and sun keeps the house warm.

Anything for sale in your road Bud?

The house opposite us sold for €900k last year. Bigger pool than us and tennis court.

[Horse]

True: the kitchens at the fire service college, Moreton in Marsh, have just been on fire.

Same place that, a few years back, had a fire in their fire station - cremating 11 fire appliances!

[Felix]

True: the kitchens at the fire service college, Moreton in Marsh, have just been on fire.

Same place that, a few years back, had a fire in their fire station - cremating 11 fire appliances!

Our fire station had a little accident also a few years back

https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-scotland- ... e-20577549

[Count Steer]

True: the kitchens at the fire service college, Moreton in Marsh, have just been on fire.

Same place that, a few years back, had a fire in their fire station - cremating 11 fire appliances!

+ (as I've posted before) I met someone that worked for London Fire Brigade that destroyed his house and everything in it in a bit of an inferno. He was heating/melting chain wax stuff on the hob - and forgot about it.

Sounds like their response time wasn't very good too!

[Mike1976]

I hate snow and if i never see it again it'll be too soon. I even stopped watching Fargo as it was too snowy and was getting me down!

Snow is awesome.

[Taipan]

[JackyJoll]

Keir Starmer decided he'd start walking to Parliament. Every day, at the same street corner, he would pass a woman soliciting to sell her body.

He learned to brace himself as he approached her for what was almost certain to follow.

“One hundred and fifty pounds!" she'd shout.

"No! Five pounds!" he said from the side of his mouth, just to shut her up.

This ritual between him and the prostitute became a daily occurrence.

She'd yell: “One hundred and fifty pounds!" He'd yell back: “Five pounds!"

One day, Angela Rayner decided to accompany her boss, and as the couple neared the usual corner, Sir Keir became even more apprehensive than usual.

Sure enough, there she stood. He tried to avoid eye contact as she watched the pair pass.

Then, the prostitute yelled: "See what you get for five pounds, you cheap bastard!"

[Skub]

greenland.jpg (101.45 KiB) Viewed 1019 times

[Skub]

Screenshot 2026-01-23 at 11.39.26.png (519.1 KiB) Viewed 936 times

[Taipan]

A new doctor is being shown around a Scottish hospital
As they enter one ward, the nearest patient turns to him and says "Fair fa' your honest sonsie face, great chieftain o' the pudden race!"
Before the doctor can react, the patient in the next bed adds "Wee sleekit cowerin' timorous beastie! O what a panic's in thy breastie!"
And not to be outdone, the third patient responds "Some ha' meat and cannae eat, and some wad eat that want it!"
The doctor murmurs to the orderly "So this is the mental health ward?"
"Och no!" replies the orderly.
"...it's the Burns Unit!"

[KungFooBob]

618637107_26104330319202787_2149599359146694374_n.jpg (153.04 KiB) Viewed 816 times

[ZRX61]

The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for answered prayers.
Suzie stood and walked to the podium.
She said, "I have a praise. Two months ago, my husband, Phil, had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him."
You could hear a muffled gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagine the pain that poor Phil must have experienced.
"Phil was unable to hold me or the children," she went on, "and every move caused him terrible pain." We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation, and it turned out they were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Phil's scrotum, and wrap wire around it to hold it in place."
Again, the men in the congregation cringed and squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Phil.
"Now," she announced in a quivering voice, "thank the Lord, Phil is out of the hospital and the doctors say that with time, his scrotum should recover completely."
All the men sighed with unified relief. The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had something to say.
A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium.
He said, "I'm Phil." The entire congregation held its breath.
"I just want to tell my wife the word is sternum."

[Skub]

mantis.jpg (31.3 KiB) Viewed 642 times

[derek badger]

[ZRX61]

A wealthy Arab Sheikh visiting Yorkshire was suddenly taken to hospital after becoming seriously ill and he needed an emergency blood transfusion
Unfortunately the sheikh had a very rare type of blood and the LGI didn't have any in stock
After some frantic calls, a Yorkshire farmer from up in the dales is located who has the same blood type and he agrees to make his way to Leeds to donate some blood.
The Sheikh receives the blood and begins to get better. He tells his assistant that he should send the farmer many lavish gifts as a show of his appreciation.
A few days later the Yorkshireman answers the door to be greeted with a brand new tractor, £250,000 in cash, a pouch full of diamonds and a life time supply of Yorkshire tea
A couple of days later, the Sheikh begins to get ill again and the hospital have to phone the Yorkshireman, who was more than happy to donate some more blood
After receiving the blood the Sheikh gets better and once again tells his assistant to send the Yorkshireman some gifts as a show of his appreciation but this time when the Yorkshireman opens his door all he receives is a Thank you card and a £10 voucher for Toby Carvery...
The Yorkshireman was shocked that the Sheikh did not reciprocate his kind gesture as he had before.
He phoned the Sheikh and asked him;
"What's this all abart? I thought tha would be generous again, a thought that tha would gimme some more money and diamonds .... but thas only given me a card and a chuffin 10 quid voucher ya tight get!"
The sheikh replied;
"Aye lad ya reyt, but av got Yorkshire blood in me veins nar!"

[Taipan]