Jokes Thread

[Horse]

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[Taipan]

[Horse]

I recently spent 6,500 Euro on a registered Black Angus bull. I put him out with the herd but he just ate grass and wouldn't even look at a cow.

I was beginning to think I had paid more for that bull than he was worth. Anyway......I had the Vet come and take a look at him. He said,, the bull was very healthy, but possibly just a little young, so he gave me some pills to feed him once per day.

The bull started to service the cows within two days……. all my cows! He even broke through the fence and bred with all of my neighbor's cows! He's like a machine!

I don't know what was in the pills the Vet gave him ... but they kind of taste like peppermint…

[Taipan]

[Taipan]

I've just sold my collection of Dusty Springfield records. Now I just don't know what to do with my shelf...

[Taipan]

I remember the original john west advert!

[ZRX61]

A man went to confession
'Father', he confessed, 'it has been one month since my last confession... I had sex with Fanny Green twice last month.'
The priest told the sinner, 'You are forgiven. Go out and say three Hail Mary's.'
Soon thereafter, another man entered the confessional. 'Father, it has been two months since my last confession. I've had sex with Fanny Green twice a week for the past two months.'
This time, the priest questioned, 'Who is this Fanny Green?'
'A new woman in the neighborhood,' the sinner replied.
'Very well,' sighed the priest. Go and say ten Hail Mary's.;
At mass the next morning, as the priest prepared to deliver the sermon, a tall,
Voluptuous, drop-dead gorgeous redheaded woman entered the sanctuary. The eyes of every man in the church fell upon her as she slowly sashayed up the aisle and sat down right in front of the priest. Her dress was green and very short, and she wore matching, shiny emerald-green shoes.
The priest and the altar boy gasped as the woman in the green dress and matching green shoes sat with her legs spread slightly apart, but just enough to realize she wasn't wearing any underwear.
The priest turned to the altar boy and whispered, 'Is that Fanny Green?'
The bug-eyed altar boy couldn't believe his ears but managed to calmly reply, 'No Father, I think it's just a reflection from her shoes

[ZRX61]

A petrol station owner in Ireland was trying to increase his sales, so he put up a sign that read, 'Free Sex with Fill-Up.'
Paddy pulled in, filled his tank and asked for his free sex.
The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10.
If he guessed correctly, he would get his free sex.
Paddy guessed 8, and the proprietor said, 'You were close.
The number was 7. Sorry. No sex this time.'
A week later, Paddy, along with his friend Mick, pulled in for another fill-up. Again he asked for his free sex.
The proprietor again gave him the same story, and asked him to guess the correct number.
Paddy guessed 2. The proprietor said, 'Sorry, it was 3.
You were close, but no free sex this time.'
As they were driving away, Mick said to Paddy,
'I think that game is rigged and he doesn't really
give away free sex at all.'
Paddy replied, 'No it's genuine enough Mick.
My wife won twice last week.'

[cheb]

Not exactly a joke but it made me laugh:

When the banished Samians reached Sparta, they had audience of the magistrates, before whom they made a long speech, as was natural with persons greatly in want of aid. When it was over, the Spartans averred that they could no longer remember the first half of their speech, and thus could make nothing of the remainder.

According to Herodotus anyway.

[Horse]

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[KungFooBob]

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[Mike1976]

[Taipan]

[Taipan]

[Felix]

Do you think Italians ever watch, A place in the pissing rain?

[Horse]

Do you think Italians ever watch, A place in the pissing rain?

I know an Australian guy who has a lovely place in southern Spain - but doesn't go there in the summer because he doesn't like the heat.

[Felix]

Do you think Italians ever watch, A place in the pissing rain?

I know an Australian guy who has a lovely place in southern Spain - but doesn't go there in the summer because he doesn't like the heat.

I have an ex who moved down Alicante way with her husband. They spend most of there time indoors or sitting in the shade. Not my idea of fun.

[Taipan]

We've always liked the idea of being "Snowbirds". Winter in Spain, summer in Blighty.

[Felix]

We've always liked the idea of being "Snowbirds". Winter in Spain, summer in Blighty.

That is why i like south Germany. Nice summers and proper snow in winter where you could go out and enjoy it. I like seasons and if i was to leave the UK i think around the Moselle Valley would be my destination. Probably Cochem.

[Taipan]

We've always liked the idea of being "Snowbirds". Winter in Spain, summer in Blighty.

That is why i like south Germany. Nice summers and proper snow in winter where you could go out and enjoy it. I like seasons and if i was to leave the UK i think around the Moselle Valley would be my destination. Probably Cochem.

I hate snow and if i never see it again it'll be too soon. I even stopped watching Fargo as it was too snowy and was getting me down!