Jokes Thread

[Horse]

British Hotels are getting weirder by the day.

I'm checking in at my hotel in London, but the receptionists are swamped.

Go to the Lobby (Which is huge btw) to wait out the mad rush, and it turns out there's an International Chess Tournament taking place in their Business Suites.

I get chatting to a few of the players in the Lobby, but all they can talk about is how good they are and their chances of winning this bloody tournament.

That's all I need...Chess nuts boasting in an open Foyer.

[Taipan]

This Christmas please spare a thought for thousands of dwarfs struggling to put food on the table...

[Saga Lout]

My Grandfather was an ear piercer.

Not professionally, he was just a rotten darts player.

[Taipan]

[Trinity765]

This Epstein redaction thing is becoming a joke!

[Taipan]

Does anyone know how long it takes to service hearing aids?
Sent them off to be done a week ago and haven't heard anything since...

[Skub]

Xmas breakfasts rock.

Xmas breakfast.jpg (108.8 KiB) Viewed 1626 times

[636mick]

IMG_5267.jpeg (193.06 KiB) Viewed 1601 times

[Trinity765]

[Trinity765]

Only 364 days until Christmas.

[Trinity765]

.

[ZRX61]

My wife was at this bougie hairdresser getting her hair done before a trip to Florida with me.
“Florida?” scoffed the hairdresser. “Why would anyone want to go there? It’s over crowded and dirty.
How are you getting there?”
“American airlines, we got a great deal!”
“American airlines? Terrible airline,” the hairdresser said, “Old planes, ugly flight attendants, always late.
And where are you staying?”
“A little place called ‘The Breakers’ in Palm Beach.”
“Oh, I know it,” said the hairdresser. “People think it’s exclusive, but it’s a dump.”
“Well, we’re hoping to see President Trump.”
“That’s rich,” laughed the hairdresser. “You and a million others. You’ll need luck on that trip!”
A couple months later my wife went back for a trim.
“So, how was Florida?”
“Wonderful,” she said. “We flew on a brand-new American airline plane, got bumped to first class, had amazing food and wine, and a handsome young man waited on us hand and foot.”
“The hotel had just had a 5 million dollar remodel. They were overbooked and gave us the owner’s suite for free!”
“Yeah, yeah,” muttered the hairdresser. “But you didn’t see President Trump.”
“Actually,” my wife said, “A secret service agent tapped me on the shoulder and asked if I’d like to meet him privately.”
“Five minutes later, President Trump walked in, shook my hand, and spoke to me.”
“Oh really?” sneered the hairdresser. “What did he say?” My wife smiled and replied,
“Who the hell did your hair, that looks like sh*t, what a loser!”

[Horse]

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[Felix]

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[ZRX61]

The Madam opened the Brothel Door to see a frail, elderly gentleman.
"Can I help you"..?? the Madam asked.
"I want Natalie," the Old Man replied.
"Sir, Natalie is one of our most Expensive Ladies, perhaps someone else"..???
"NO, I must see Natalie." the old guy exclaims.
Just then Natalie appeared and announced to the Old Man, that she Charges $1,000 per visit.
Without blinking, the Old Man reached into his Pocket and handed her Ten $100 Bills.
The two went up to a room for an hour, whereupon the man calmly left.
The next night he appeared again demanding to see Natalie..?!?!?
Natalie explained that no one had ever come back Two Nights in a Row and that there were NO Discounts. It was still $1,000 a visit.
Again the Old Man took out the Money, the Two went up to the room and an hour later, he left.
When he showed up the THIRD Consecutive night, no one could believe it.
Again he handed Natalie the money and up to the room they went.
At the end of the hour Natalie questioned the Old Man:- "No one has ever used my Services Three Nights in a Row. Where are you from Sir"..???
The Old Man replied, "I'm from Philadelphia."
"Really"..?? replied Natalie.
"I have Family who Lives there." she replies.
"Yes, I Know," said the old man.

"Your Father Died recently, and I'm your Sister's Attorney".
*
"And she asked me to give this $3,000, when I saw you"..

[Horse]

Screenshot_20260103-083444.png (751.61 KiB) Viewed 1212 times

[Dodgy69]

[Skub]

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[Skub]

joke 1.jpg (72.55 KiB) Viewed 1073 times

[Taipan]