Jokes Thread

[Taipan]

My Son went out for a meal with his mates. So you have my Son who is white, with his girlfriend who is Indian, his mate is black and his mates girlfriend is Thai. They put a photo up of the four of them and one their mates said, You look like toaster settings!

[Taipan]

[Taipan]

I think that men who shorten their name to Pat are missing a trick...

[ZRX61]

Two builders go into the pub after a hard day's work. They're sat drinking for a while when a very smartly dressed man walks in and orders a drink. The two began to speculate about what the man did for a living.
"I'll bet he's an accountant." said the first builder.
"Looks more like a stockbroker to me." argued the second. They continued to debate the subject for a good while until eventually the first builder needed to use the toilet. On walking in, he saw the smartly dressed man standing at a urinal.
"Excuse me mate, but me and my friend have been arguing over what a smartly dressed fella like you does for a living?" the builder said to the man.
Smiling the man replied, "I'm a logical scientist."
"A what?" asked the builder.
"Let me explain" the man continued, "Do you have a goldfish at home?"
A bit puzzled, but intrigued the builder decided to play along, "Yes, I do as it happens."
"Well then it's logical to assume that you either keep it in a bowl or a pond. Which is it?"
"A pond" the builder replied.
"Well then it's logical to assume that you have a large garden." The builder nodded his agreement. So the man continued, "which means it's logical to assume you have a large house."
"I have a 6 bedroom house that I built myself." the builder said proudly.
"Given that you have such a large house, it's logical to assume that you are married..."
The builder nodded again, "Yes, I'm married and we have three children."
"Then it's logical to assume that you have a healthy sex life."
"Five nights a week!" the builder boasted.
The man smiled a little, "Therefore it's logical to assume you don't masturbate often."
"Never!" the builder exclaimed.
"Well there you have it" the man explained, "That's logical science at work. From finding out that you have a goldfish, I've discovered the size of your garden, all about your house, your family and your sex life!"
The builder left, very impressed by the man's talents. On returning to the bar the other builder asked, "I see that smart bloke was in there, did you find out what he does?"
"Yeah," replied the first, "He's a logical scientist."
"A what?" the puzzled second builder asked.
"Let me explain" the first builder continued, "Do you have a goldfish at home?"
"No" replied his mate.
"Well, you're a wanker then!"

[Skub]

Agony uncle.jpg (51.51 KiB) Viewed 1157 times

[Taipan]

[Taipan]

[Saga Lout]

I have a pen that can write underwater.

It can also write other words.



I'll get me coat.

[Taipan]

Getting my kite stuck in the tree isn't the worst thing that happened to me today.
But it's definitely up there...

[Taipan]

[The Martian]

I've got a job making thousands of little Dracula dolls in time for Halloween and there are only two of us doing it...
So I have to make every second count!

[Taipan]

[derek badger]

Well, things have changed since I last tuned in to The Archers...

[The Martian]

When the kids in costumes knock on the door later, open it and exclaim loudly "trick or yeet" and the first one to say "yeet?" pick up and throw as far as you can

[Taipan]

[Ian]

In a chilli growing group someone asked what to do with a bumper harvest of ghost chillies. Some wag suggested dipping them in chocolate and handing them out to trick or treaters

[KungFooBob]

In a chilli growing group someone asked what to do with a bumper harvest of ghost chillies. Some wag suggested dipping them in chocolate and handing them out to trick or treaters

Next time the Ambassador invites you over for Ferrero Rocher, keep the wrappers. You can use them to wrap chocolate covered sprouts for Halloween.

[Yorick]

In a chilli growing group someone asked what to do with a bumper harvest of ghost chillies. Some wag suggested dipping them in chocolate and handing them out to trick or treaters

Next time the Ambassador invites you over for Ferrero Rocher, keep the wrappers. You can use them to wrap chocolate covered sprouts for Halloween.

Is that from Taipan's joke book

[ZRX61]

A young girl started work in the village pharmacy.
She was very shy about having to sell condoms to the public.
The owner was going on holiday for a couple of days and asked if she would be willing to run the shop on her own.
She had to confide in him her worries about selling the contraceptives.
"Look," he said. "My regular customers don't ask for condoms, they'll ask for a 310 [small] a 320[medium] or a 330[large]. The word condom wont even be used.
The first day was fine but on the second day a black guy came in to the shop, put out his hand and said "350". The girl panicked.
She phoned the owner on his mobile and told him of her predicament.
"Go back in and check if he has a yellow bucket hanging between his legs" her boss told her.
She peeped through the door and saw the yellow bucket hanging between his legs.
"Yes "!! she said "He's got one hanging there"....!
The boss said "Go back in and give him THREE POUNDS FIFTY He's the Window cleaner".

[KungFooBob]

In a chilli growing group someone asked what to do with a bumper harvest of ghost chillies. Some wag suggested dipping them in chocolate and handing them out to trick or treaters

571376841_849926164235688_8863952214416831215_n.jpg (213.03 KiB) Viewed 731 times