- Screenshot_20241231-150447.png (930.08 KiB) Viewed 1050 times
Jokes Thread
-
Horse
- Posts: 14232
- Joined: Sun Mar 15, 2020 11:30 am
- Location: Always sunny southern England
- Has thanked: 7621 times
- Been thanked: 5929 times
-
Sadlonelygit
- Posts: 1095
- Joined: Thu Mar 19, 2020 9:10 pm
- Has thanked: 94 times
- Been thanked: 796 times
-
Felix
- Posts: 5238
- Joined: Sat Jul 17, 2021 12:34 am
- Has thanked: 714 times
- Been thanked: 2039 times
Re: Jokes Thread
I had to google that. ThenZRX61 wrote: Thu Dec 12, 2024 12:49 am I had my leg X-rayed today.
The doctor said: 'Your patella measures 2.54cm'.
I asked: 'Inch high knees?'
He said: '你的髌骨 措施 2.54 厘米'
-
Sadlonelygit
- Posts: 1095
- Joined: Thu Mar 19, 2020 9:10 pm
- Has thanked: 94 times
- Been thanked: 796 times
Re: Jokes Thread
Regarding the Luton hacker who stole unpublished music.
Apparently she would have got a more severe sentence, but having downloaded all those Coldplay tracks, the judge reasoned that she had been punished enough already…
Apparently she would have got a more severe sentence, but having downloaded all those Coldplay tracks, the judge reasoned that she had been punished enough already…
-
Sadlonelygit
- Posts: 1095
- Joined: Thu Mar 19, 2020 9:10 pm
- Has thanked: 94 times
- Been thanked: 796 times
-
Sadlonelygit
- Posts: 1095
- Joined: Thu Mar 19, 2020 9:10 pm
- Has thanked: 94 times
- Been thanked: 796 times
Re: Jokes Thread
Arguing with a woman is like reading a software agreement.
Eventually you just give up and click agree!
Eventually you just give up and click agree!
-
Skub
- Posts: 14892
- Joined: Mon Mar 16, 2020 5:32 pm
- Location: Norn Iron
- Has thanked: 13109 times
- Been thanked: 14170 times
Re: Jokes Thread
The AA have warned that anyone travelling in the current icy conditions should carry a shovel,blankets,sleeping bag,extra clothing including hat,scarf and gloves.
Also take a 24 hour supply of food and drinks,de-icer,rocksalt,torch,spare battery,petrol can,first aid kit and jump leads.
I looked a right cunt on the bus.
Also take a 24 hour supply of food and drinks,de-icer,rocksalt,torch,spare battery,petrol can,first aid kit and jump leads.
I looked a right cunt on the bus.
"Be kind to past versions of yourself that didn't know what you know now."
Walt Whitman
https://soundcloud.com/skub1955
Walt Whitman
https://soundcloud.com/skub1955
-
Horse
- Posts: 14232
- Joined: Sun Mar 15, 2020 11:30 am
- Location: Always sunny southern England
- Has thanked: 7621 times
- Been thanked: 5929 times
Re: Jokes Thread
Bloke's walking home from the pub, late at night.
Woman's voice from the bushes: "Blow job, £20"
Bloke thinks 'Why not?' and heads into the gloom.
Couple of minutes later, copper shines a torch in, asks the stupid question ""What's happening?"
Bloke, thinking quickly, says "My wife's giving me pleasure ... "
Copper says "Ah, sorry, didn't realise it was your wife"
Bloke says "Until you shone the torch on her face, I didn't either."
Woman's voice from the bushes: "Blow job, £20"
Bloke thinks 'Why not?' and heads into the gloom.
Couple of minutes later, copper shines a torch in, asks the stupid question ""What's happening?"
Bloke, thinking quickly, says "My wife's giving me pleasure ... "
Copper says "Ah, sorry, didn't realise it was your wife"
Bloke says "Until you shone the torch on her face, I didn't either."
Even bland can be a type of character 
-
Skub
- Posts: 14892
- Joined: Mon Mar 16, 2020 5:32 pm
- Location: Norn Iron
- Has thanked: 13109 times
- Been thanked: 14170 times
Re: Jokes Thread
"Be kind to past versions of yourself that didn't know what you know now."
Walt Whitman
https://soundcloud.com/skub1955
Walt Whitman
https://soundcloud.com/skub1955
-
Skub
- Posts: 14892
- Joined: Mon Mar 16, 2020 5:32 pm
- Location: Norn Iron
- Has thanked: 13109 times
- Been thanked: 14170 times
Re: Jokes Thread
Stay strong people,we'll get through these BBC weather warnings.
"Be kind to past versions of yourself that didn't know what you know now."
Walt Whitman
https://soundcloud.com/skub1955
Walt Whitman
https://soundcloud.com/skub1955
-
Taipan
- Posts: 19334
- Joined: Sat Mar 14, 2020 1:48 pm
- Location: Essex Riviera!
- Has thanked: 20859 times
- Been thanked: 13676 times
Re: Jokes Thread
Skub wrote: Thu Jan 09, 2025 10:29 am Stay strong people,we'll get through these BBC weather warnings.
NC750X mpg 
-
Sadlonelygit
- Posts: 1095
- Joined: Thu Mar 19, 2020 9:10 pm
- Has thanked: 94 times
- Been thanked: 796 times
Re: Jokes Thread
Buck house have announced a change in royal protocol.
Instead of getting a letter from the monarch on turning 100, girls will get a text from Prince Andrew on their 16th birthday
Instead of getting a letter from the monarch on turning 100, girls will get a text from Prince Andrew on their 16th birthday
-
Pirahna
- Posts: 2703
- Joined: Wed Mar 25, 2020 7:31 pm
- Has thanked: 3009 times
- Been thanked: 1749 times
Re: Jokes Thread
Did you know you can get a card from the King for a 60th wedding anniversary, probably a more realistic proposition if you have any elderly relatives. It has to be applied for, but so does the 100th birthday card.Sadlonelygit wrote: Thu Jan 09, 2025 2:55 pm Buck house have announced a change in royal protocol.
Instead of getting a letter from the monarch on turning 100, girls will get a text from Prince Andrew on their 16th birthday
-
Horse
- Posts: 14232
- Joined: Sun Mar 15, 2020 11:30 am
- Location: Always sunny southern England
- Has thanked: 7621 times
- Been thanked: 5929 times
Re: Jokes Thread
Some time in the future, Trump defies the burger grease in his arteries and Democrat snipers, to be last president standing from the current bunch.
He ends up at gates of Hell.
"Well," says the Devil "This is interesting, because we're full, no spaces for anyone else!"
Trump gets his hopes up, they're soon dashed.
The Devil says "Unfortunately, because of your record, you can't escape. Instead, you can choose who leaves to make room for you. Follow me, tell me who can go."
Devil opens a door. It's Joe Biden. Immediately Trump says "No!"
Next door, Obama, in a cold dank room, deep in concentration at his laptop. Trump looks over his shoulder, he's writing a 700 page volume on ... Trump looks no longer "No!"
Devil opens the third door.
Bill Clinton sat in a chair, trousers around his ankles. Monica Lewinsky giving him a blow job.
Trump can't believe it, "YES!" he yells.
The Devil says "OK, you can go Monica"
He ends up at gates of Hell.
"Well," says the Devil "This is interesting, because we're full, no spaces for anyone else!"
Trump gets his hopes up, they're soon dashed.
The Devil says "Unfortunately, because of your record, you can't escape. Instead, you can choose who leaves to make room for you. Follow me, tell me who can go."
Devil opens a door. It's Joe Biden. Immediately Trump says "No!"
Next door, Obama, in a cold dank room, deep in concentration at his laptop. Trump looks over his shoulder, he's writing a 700 page volume on ... Trump looks no longer "No!"
Devil opens the third door.
Bill Clinton sat in a chair, trousers around his ankles. Monica Lewinsky giving him a blow job.
Trump can't believe it, "YES!" he yells.
The Devil says "OK, you can go Monica"
Even bland can be a type of character
-
Taipan
- Posts: 19334
- Joined: Sat Mar 14, 2020 1:48 pm
- Location: Essex Riviera!
- Has thanked: 20859 times
- Been thanked: 13676 times
-
Horse
- Posts: 14232
- Joined: Sun Mar 15, 2020 11:30 am
- Location: Always sunny southern England
- Has thanked: 7621 times
- Been thanked: 5929 times
Re: Jokes Thread
- IMG-20250112-WA0001~2.jpg (106.17 KiB) Viewed 1077 times
Even bland can be a type of character
-
Taipan
- Posts: 19334
- Joined: Sat Mar 14, 2020 1:48 pm
- Location: Essex Riviera!
- Has thanked: 20859 times
- Been thanked: 13676 times
Re: Jokes Thread
I bought my wife a fur coat made from a thousand Russian hamsters. I took here to Blackpool for the weekend to show it off but i couldn't get her off the big wheel...
NC750X mpg
-
Yorick
- Posts: 19929
- Joined: Sat Mar 14, 2020 8:20 pm
- Location: Paradise
- Has thanked: 12607 times
- Been thanked: 8537 times
Re: Jokes Thread
1970 just called wanting its joke back.Taipan wrote: Mon Jan 13, 2025 9:36 pm I bought my wife a fur coat made from a thousand Russian hamsters. I took here to Blackpool for the weekend to show it off but i couldn't get her off the big wheel...