Jokes Thread
-
Taipan
- Posts: 13799
- Joined: Sat Mar 14, 2020 1:48 pm
- Location: Essex Riviera!
- Has thanked: 15815 times
- Been thanked: 10176 times
-
Mr. Dazzle
- Posts: 13870
- Joined: Mon Mar 16, 2020 7:57 pm
- Location: Milton Keynes
- Has thanked: 2545 times
- Been thanked: 6202 times
-
KungFooBob
- Posts: 14084
- Joined: Sat Mar 14, 2020 1:04 pm
- Location: The content of this post is not AI generated.
- Has thanked: 537 times
- Been thanked: 7475 times
-
Horse
- Posts: 11477
- Joined: Sun Mar 15, 2020 11:30 am
- Location: Always sunny southern England
- Has thanked: 6127 times
- Been thanked: 5038 times
-
derek badger
- Posts: 898
- Joined: Sat Mar 14, 2020 1:12 pm
- Location: Surrey Hills
- Has thanked: 769 times
- Been thanked: 1135 times
-
cheb
- Posts: 4881
- Joined: Tue Mar 17, 2020 6:51 am
- Been thanked: 2602 times
-
Wreckless Rat
- Posts: 1253
- Joined: Thu Jul 30, 2020 11:25 am
- Has thanked: 666 times
- Been thanked: 704 times
-
cheb
- Posts: 4881
- Joined: Tue Mar 17, 2020 6:51 am
- Been thanked: 2602 times
Re: Jokes Thread
That'd be a 12.598425197/32" socket.
It's a cheap way of getting that authentic Ducati tickover sound.
It's a cheap way of getting that authentic Ducati tickover sound.
-
derek badger
- Posts: 898
- Joined: Sat Mar 14, 2020 1:12 pm
- Location: Surrey Hills
- Has thanked: 769 times
- Been thanked: 1135 times
-
Yambo
- Posts: 2464
- Joined: Mon Mar 16, 2020 8:08 pm
- Location: Self Isolating
- Has thanked: 598 times
- Been thanked: 1646 times
Re: Jokes Thread
If I remember correctly . . .
Three military police officers are killed in an accident. They're all scheduled to head upstairs and are met at the pearly gates by St Peter.
"Now lads" he states. "I know you're all joining us but before you come in I just need to write down what your occupation was. Who wants to start?".
First guy pipes up "Well, I was in the Royal Military Police when I met my end".
"Really?" Replies St Peter. "Timing couldn't be better. Just inside, first right and there's a bar. Some of your ex colleagues are having a bit of a fight. Couldn't do me a favour and nip in and sort them out could you?" And off the first guy goes.
"How about you?" He says to the second guy.
"Royal Naval Police" he replies.
"Brilliant" from St Peter. "It's your marines that the army lot are having a shit-fight with. Go help out would you?". Quick as a flash, second guy is gone.
He turns to the third guy. "That only leaves you mate. What about you?".
"Royal Air Force Police" he proudly replies.
"What? I can't believe my luck!" Comes the reply.
"Why? Are the rock apes involved?" Asks the copper.
"Nah. I'm busting for a piss, be a good lad and mind this gate would you?"
Three military police officers are killed in an accident. They're all scheduled to head upstairs and are met at the pearly gates by St Peter.
"Now lads" he states. "I know you're all joining us but before you come in I just need to write down what your occupation was. Who wants to start?".
First guy pipes up "Well, I was in the Royal Military Police when I met my end".
"Really?" Replies St Peter. "Timing couldn't be better. Just inside, first right and there's a bar. Some of your ex colleagues are having a bit of a fight. Couldn't do me a favour and nip in and sort them out could you?" And off the first guy goes.
"How about you?" He says to the second guy.
"Royal Naval Police" he replies.
"Brilliant" from St Peter. "It's your marines that the army lot are having a shit-fight with. Go help out would you?". Quick as a flash, second guy is gone.
He turns to the third guy. "That only leaves you mate. What about you?".
"Royal Air Force Police" he proudly replies.
"What? I can't believe my luck!" Comes the reply.
"Why? Are the rock apes involved?" Asks the copper.
"Nah. I'm busting for a piss, be a good lad and mind this gate would you?"
-
Horse
- Posts: 11477
- Joined: Sun Mar 15, 2020 11:30 am
- Location: Always sunny southern England
- Has thanked: 6127 times
- Been thanked: 5038 times
Re: Jokes Thread
Little girl goes into a pet shop, walks up to the counter and, timidly, asks:
"Do you have any little fluffy bunnies?"
The pet shop owner crouches down and says:
"Yes, we do. Little white ones and little black ones. Which colour would you like?"
She replies:
"I don't think my snake really cares."
"Do you have any little fluffy bunnies?"
The pet shop owner crouches down and says:
"Yes, we do. Little white ones and little black ones. Which colour would you like?"
She replies:
"I don't think my snake really cares."
Even bland can be a type of character 
-
Buckaroo
- Posts: 918
- Joined: Sun Mar 15, 2020 7:00 pm
- Location: East of West
- Has thanked: 723 times
- Been thanked: 696 times
Re: Jokes Thread
So did I....... biscuit lives............. best not as one is humour the other not.
-
Taipan
- Posts: 13799
- Joined: Sat Mar 14, 2020 1:48 pm
- Location: Essex Riviera!
- Has thanked: 15815 times
- Been thanked: 10176 times
Re: Jokes Thread
Chris Eubank has written a book about ethics. If its a success his next one will be about Kent...
-
Yorick
- Posts: 16667
- Joined: Sat Mar 14, 2020 8:20 pm
- Location: Paradise
- Has thanked: 10211 times
- Been thanked: 6860 times
-
Taipan
- Posts: 13799
- Joined: Sat Mar 14, 2020 1:48 pm
- Location: Essex Riviera!
- Has thanked: 15815 times
- Been thanked: 10176 times
-
KungFooBob
- Posts: 14084
- Joined: Sat Mar 14, 2020 1:04 pm
- Location: The content of this post is not AI generated.
- Has thanked: 537 times
- Been thanked: 7475 times
Re: Jokes Thread
I wanted to buy a Christmas present for my new girlfriend. We hadn't been seeing each other for very long and she lived in Doncaster and I live in Retford. I consulted with my sister and decided, after careful consideration, that a pair of good quality gloves would strike the right note... not too romantic and not too personal. Off I went with my sister to Marks and Spencer’s and we selected a dainty pair of fur lined quality leather gloves. My sister bought a pair of sexy knickers for herself at the same time. Marks and Spencer’s had a free gift wrap offer but the assistant mixed up the two items, my sister got the gloves and i unknowingly got the knickers. Good old me sent off my gift wrapped present in a parcel with the following letter.
Dear Maggie
I chose these because I've noticed that you are not wearing any when we go out in the evenings. If it had not been for my sister I would have chosen the long ones with buttons, but she wears shorter ones (which are easier to remove). These are a very delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me the pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks and I hardly noticed any marks. I had her try yours on for me and she looked really smart in them even though they were a little bit tight on her. She also said that they rub against her ring which helps keep it clean. In fact she hasn't needed to wash it since she began wearing them.
I wish I was there to put them on for you the first time, as no doubt many other hands will touch them before I have a chance to see you again.
When you take them off remember to blow into them a little bit because they will be naturally a little damp from wearing.
Just imagine how many times my lips will kiss them during the coming year.
I hope you will wear them for me on our next date.
All my love,
Lee
P.S. My mum tells me that the latest style is to wear them folded down with a little bit of fur showing.
Dear Maggie
I chose these because I've noticed that you are not wearing any when we go out in the evenings. If it had not been for my sister I would have chosen the long ones with buttons, but she wears shorter ones (which are easier to remove). These are a very delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me the pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks and I hardly noticed any marks. I had her try yours on for me and she looked really smart in them even though they were a little bit tight on her. She also said that they rub against her ring which helps keep it clean. In fact she hasn't needed to wash it since she began wearing them.
I wish I was there to put them on for you the first time, as no doubt many other hands will touch them before I have a chance to see you again.
When you take them off remember to blow into them a little bit because they will be naturally a little damp from wearing.
Just imagine how many times my lips will kiss them during the coming year.
I hope you will wear them for me on our next date.
All my love,
Lee
P.S. My mum tells me that the latest style is to wear them folded down with a little bit of fur showing.
-
Trinity765
- Posts: 2318
- Joined: Fri Nov 06, 2020 2:27 pm
- Location: Brighton
- Has thanked: 2434 times
- Been thanked: 2395 times
Re: Jokes Thread
Margaret Keenan who was the first person in the UK to receive the Pfizer vaccine has woken this morning feeling great. She said "I have no idea why I can't get my Shoei NXR on today but I am looking forward to a safe Christmas with my family".
- Attachments
-
- FB_IMG_1607498381029.jpg (60.25 KiB) Viewed 1378 times
-
derek badger
- Posts: 898
- Joined: Sat Mar 14, 2020 1:12 pm
- Location: Surrey Hills
- Has thanked: 769 times
- Been thanked: 1135 times
-
JackyJoll
- Posts: 3716
- Joined: Sun May 03, 2020 10:11 pm
- Has thanked: 260 times
- Been thanked: 1255 times