Jokes Thread

[Skub]

You know when you're sitting on the shitter and you realise there's no bogroll left,then you have to do that daft trousers down waddling shuffle to get a new roll?

Well,I'm I'm almost at Tesco.

[Yorick]

You know when you're sitting on the shitter and you realise there's no bogroll left,then you have to do that daft trousers down waddling shuffle to get a new roll?

Well,I'm I'm almost at Tesco.

[Sadlonelygit]

Team GB Paralympic fencing failure

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[Horse]

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[MrLongbeard]

[Pirahna]

I love it when you're sitting outside and some dirty fucker on the next table starts smoking. I absolutely agree with banning it. If you want to smoke do it in your house, preferably with the windows closed.

[Taipan]

This makes me laugh more than it should do...

[Docca]

I love it when you're sitting outside and some dirty fucker on the next table starts smoking. I absolutely agree with banning it. If you want to smoke do it in your house, preferably with the windows closed.

Yep. My personal favourite: stand just outside the doorway to the pub and smoke. You then have to walk through the smoke to move about.

Selfish beyond words.

Imagine the sales pitch for smoking now: we will make it legal to sell the public something that only causes them harm …and possibly death. Not a single upside.

Smoke all you want to. In your house or garden. Don’t both vaping either because then folk think you’re just a fanny that can’t commit to smoking.

[MrLongbeard]

Weather guessers, throwing more darts at the board in the blind hope one might hit and be accurate

[Horse]

Weather forecasts = 'horoscopes with numbers'

[Taipan]

The forecasts maybe accurate but then the bastards start geoenginering with cloud seeding and solar radiation!

[Saga Lout]

I love it when you're sitting outside and some dirty fucker on the next table starts smoking. I absolutely agree with banning it. If you want to smoke do it in your house, preferably with the windows closed.

The only people I want to ban are those people who want to ban things.

I used to smoke, I don't like cigarette smoke now and wish people wouldn't smoke near me, but just stop it with the constant stream of "Ban this", "Ban that", "They're enjoying themselves, make them stop". It's ridiculous and childish.

[Saga Lout]

I think this belongs in here :

[Felix]

I love it when you're sitting outside and some dirty fucker on the next table starts smoking. I absolutely agree with banning it. If you want to smoke do it in your house, preferably with the windows closed.

The only people I want to ban are those people who want to ban things.

I used to smoke, I don't like cigarette smoke now and wish people wouldn't smoke near me, but just stop it with the constant stream of "Ban this", "Ban that", "They're enjoying themselves, make them stop". It's ridiculous and childish.

Totally agree. Also an Ex smoker for some 13 years. Wife still smokes but i wont try and tell her not to as the fucker will batter me to a pulp.

[Taipan]

My wife just accused me of neglecting her, saying I never take any notice of her or buy her flowers. She has a point as I never even knew she sold flowers!

[Noggin]

I love it when you're sitting outside and some dirty fucker on the next table starts smoking. I absolutely agree with banning it. If you want to smoke do it in your house, preferably with the windows closed.

The only people I want to ban are those people who want to ban things.

I used to smoke, I don't like cigarette smoke now and wish people wouldn't smoke near me, but just stop it with the constant stream of "Ban this", "Ban that", "They're enjoying themselves, make them stop". It's ridiculous and childish.

I've never been a smoker - I did try in my 20's but it was disgusting and despite everyone telling me I'd get used to it, it was something else I failed to have the determination to continue with (along with drinking beer/lager/alcohol in general)!!

I also worked in pubs part time and full time from '86 until well past the smoking ban, so I was basically a smoker through second hand smoke I suppose!


BUT, I have no issue with people smoking outside. I prefer that to most vape smells!! And over here, in general, people stand away/go downwind if smoking outside and people are eating - some even just if people aren't smoking they'll move.

Weirdly I do love the smell of a single cigarette, but a fug of smoke isn't particularly pleasant (although was useful to hide all the other smells in a pub back then!! )

Each to them's own, generally!!

[Taipan]

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.
After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away."

The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?" "Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied the vet..

"How can you be so sure?" she protested. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."

The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.

The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room. A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.

The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."

The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman..

The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$1500!" she cried, "$1500 just to tell me my duck is dead!"

The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been $50, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now $1500."

[Taipan]

[Taipan]

Watching the Paralympics today and I couldn't help think if these guys can run faster than me, lift heavier weights than me, swim better than me, then wtf do they need to park closer to ASDA than me?

[Taipan]

I recently joined an online dating site. They asked what kind of women I wanted to meet so I said 'Girls from Page 3'...After a few days I had no replies, then I realised that the 'P' on my keyboard was broken and now my computer and I are in Police custody...