Depression

[Yorick]

Every morning I do 3.5 mile dog walk. Including a mile on beach front.
Lovely scenery and sunny.

About half hour after I get home is when I drop. If I've summat important to do, then I'll do it.
Otherwise I'll wait till the cloud lifts mid afternoon then get on with things.

Seems the sun doesn't do me much good.

[Noggin]

Vitamin D makes a massive difference. If the light is one that helps create VitD (create might be the wrong word) then that will be part of the improvement for sure x

[MyLittleStudPony]

If I feel down I listen to some speed garage in front of a mirror with my shirt off.

If that doesn't work I try some gabba techno

[Noggin]

I came up with a new (to me) phrase last night whilst talking to a mate about some life issues -

I'm a functioning depressive

Kinda like a functioning alcoholic - most people have no idea I suffer with depression and if I say it they are shocked. I've spent all my life pretending to be ok, and it seems I do a damned fine job of it!!

Another mate this morning said that he needs to learn to be more functioning! But at least I've got him talking to me about it, little steps make it easier to deal with. Never easy for some but easier sometimes

[MyLittleStudPony]

I remember when I was at my worst, rapid cycling between depressed, anxious and manic states, fighting repeated urges to kill myself and others. It felt like I would never be ok again. At that time I promised the stars and any heavenly beings and deities if they could get me out of this I would clean up my act and dedicate the rest of my life to god and helping others.

I'm a long time me better now and fuck that promise, helping others and god. And if I could get some drugs I'd happily take them. Lovely, lovely drugs.

[MyLittleStudPony]

I remember when I was at my worst, rapid cycling between depressed, anxious and manic states, fighting repeated urges to kill myself and others. It felt like I would never be ok again. At that time I promised the stars and any heavenly beings and deities if they could get me out of this I would clean up my act and dedicate the rest of my life to god and helping others.

I'm a long time me better now and fuck that promise, helping others and god. And if I could get some drugs I'd happily take them. Lovely, lovely drugs.

That said, it looks like I've got gallstones or kidney stones now. I don't think they'll kill me but there's probably a lot of pain ahead. I know what I said before but if the stars and any heavenly beings and deities out there are listening and get me out of this, I will clean up my act and dedicate the rest of my life to god and helping others. Helping the poor if necessary. The northern poor even! Just get me out of this stones business!

[Buckaroo]

Kidney stones: I do hope that you don't.

Had them for forty years, often twice per year. Agony ensues.....bastard things.

Get yourself checked out pronto.

[MyLittleStudPony]

Kidney stones: I do hope that you don't.

Had them for forty years, often twice per year. Agony ensues.....bastard things.

Get yourself checked out pronto.

Thank you. I did have one many years ago.

Whatever it is now, it hurts when it happens. I've been to A&E twice, had blood tests twice, GP once and have a scan booked.

[Buckaroo]

Good luck with the outcome. Either are unpleasant, so I hope you have neither

[Cousin Jack]

Gallstones can be easily fixed with a keyhole op. Mrs had it done a couple of years ago. Not sure about kidney stones.

[Buckaroo]

Gallstones can be easily fixed with a keyhole op. Mrs had it done a couple of years ago. Not sure about kidney stones.

Lithotripter, laser, physical extraction via the urethra or percutaneous extraction.....or pass them. I've been through all bar percutaneous.

[Yorick]

Gallstones can be easily fixed with a keyhole op. Mrs had it done a couple of years ago. Not sure about kidney stones.

Lithotripter, laser, physical extraction via the urethra or percutaneous extraction.....or pass them. I've been through all bar percutaneous.

After a few cheeky Spanish beers, that came out as gibberish.
No offence meant

[Buckaroo]

Gallstones can be easily fixed with a keyhole op. Mrs had it done a couple of years ago. Not sure about kidney stones.

Lithotripter, laser, physical extraction via the urethra or percutaneous extraction.....or pass them. I've been through all bar percutaneous.

After a few cheeky Spanish beers, that came out as gibberish.
No offence meant

To think I wrote this after a couple of beers and a glass or two of wine. Surprised I managed to get some of it right

[Noggin]

I've had to make some big decisions, deal with some stuff and now sort out my apartment ready for sale in the last few months. (Still got a big thing to deal with, but have a plan to go get help with that).

I always always know when I'm slipping down the slope into depression because my place looks like shit! I don't tidy or put away, wash up when I have to not when I should! So I end up with little space that isn't covered with piles of stuff Luckily I still shower and wash my clothes, so, since no one really sees my place, no one gets a hint - cos I'm damned good at pretending to be fine!

But the last week or so I've been sorting stuff. Taking bags of things to the garage I use in the summer to be sorted into storage/bin/giveaway piles.

I've made a list of things to do which does help - I never used to do lists, but since my brain meltdown I don't remember things like I think I should, so, lists it is!! And the friend that told me to write them years ago was right - crossing out the things I've done does make me feel better

I am hoping that once the sale is done, and I can clear my life up financially (and I sort that last thing), then the stress will go away, mostly, I'm sure there is always an element of that around and that will help -

I'm living somewhere I love that does make me happy just being here.
I have a decent job for 2/3 of the year which pays well (In the months I work full time I actually earn more than I've ever earned before, sux that life is still so bad financially! That's what almost 6 years of injury and of work does for you).
I've accepted (I think) that the arm problems are here to stay, won't get better and will get worse as I get older (hopefully a long time away!)
I've even found a helpful social worker type that deals with actual paperwork type stuff that has been defeating me for the last 7 years!!

I've really no excuse to feel so bad (when I do) but hopefully once that one thing is sorted, I can actually get more balance and feel better more of the time


Either way, the big sort out is REALLY helping my brain function better. Once the sun comes out a bit more, it'll improve even more I hope

[Yorick]

About 3 years ago on the big bike trip, my head fucked up big time and I messed the holiday up. My fault.
And fell out with my best friend on the island.

It's affected lots of things since as I joined a big circle of friends and I was often left out of stuff since.

But this morning on dog walk, he was having a coffee in a cafe and called me over as I walked past. Great to chat again.
Small steps, but things may be thawing.

I've had a few bad days recently but this has lifted me up.

[darthpunk]

Taking a day off work tomorrow, been needing one for a long time and just want a day to do stuff that I want to do rather then having to negotiate the time at the weekend.

So hopefully go for a cycle in the morning then take a leisurely mooch around the local bike and guitar shops.

Also got some vitamins and magnesium coming at some point. Going to try some supplements in preparation for coming off my tablets I currently take. The side effects are getting a bit wacky , heart palpitations, restless feeling in my legs, dreaming like it's going out of fashion, shortness of breath.....all notes side effects. Been taking SSRI's for a long time, all different types and strengths, but it looks like it's more likely to be ADHD than depression, defo not depressed in classic terms, and quite frankly, these tablets just make me feel worse. The worst side effect is that my weight has stalled completely, doesn't matter how many calories I eat in a day, down to about 1400-1500 a day and my weight goes nowhere. Dieted off 70 pounds a few years back and most came back, now I can't shift them for love nor money.

Anyhoo, rambling now, but determined that I will stick to tomorrows plans and not just vegetate on the couch watching shitty YouTube videos

[Noggin]

I'm having a proper meltdown - tears n all. Been on the verge for weeks but I keep thinking I'm getting on top of it all.

Trouble is that life is on the edge of being sorted and really good. It's kind of not bad now, just stressful with unemployment until December, training course from August - November but no one exactly being helpful about how I pay to get and stay there!!

Also the fact that riding hurts more than driving and probably always will - that's a total fukker and probably even more difficult to deal with than having to accept my disability. I don't know when I have to give the bike back and it's my only transport for now!

Have to go and have an EMG (nerve test, not sure if EMG is correct in english) to see if the nerves in my arm are the same or worse - cos I've been getting nerve pains that are new. I'm aware that the arm will never get better than it is now, but I did think I had a few more years before it got worse!! I mean, pain management is interesting anyway because nothing 'really' works, nerve pain would be a total bastard

Just too many things in the air at the mo. Am supposed to go and see a friend but need to get over the tears first so I don't turn up with red eyes!

And having to continually do all this solo - my french is good, but for conversation; all the other stuff gets quite complicated!

A few other things on the 'causing stress and upset' list on top of a generally depressed state. Bloody good job I promised myself I'd never cause the grief of dealing with a suicide (having had some friends do this over the years, it's a feeling I never want to inflict on others) but right now that could be an option to end all this. But I know it's not a GOOD option.

So, battle on I will, but fucking hell I'm bored of all this, really bored!!

[Wossname]

I’ve read this several times today, Nogs, and each time I’ve not been able to think of anything useful to say - lots of meaningless platitudes which wouldn’t help. So I haven’t said anything, which doesn’t help either! Is there anyone you can actually talk to about it - ideally in English - just to be a listener, even if no more than that? All we can do here is read, and empathise, but I think you could do with more than that. Big hugs anyway…. We’re here, and on your side.

[Noggin]

I’ve read this several times today, Nogs, and each time I’ve not been able to think of anything useful to say - lots of meaningless platitudes which wouldn’t help. So I haven’t said anything, which doesn’t help either! Is there anyone you can actually talk to about it - ideally in English - just to be a listener, even if no more than that? All we can do here is read, and empathise, but I think you could do with more than that. Big hugs anyway…. We’re here, and on your side.

Thank you. And yes, sometimes silence is worse from this side

I spoke to a mate over here yesterday by phone - better really as I've learnt over the years that there are very few if any people around here that deal with emotions very well. And given that I still get the waterworks a lot (thought it was better today, then I came here and cried again!), I'm wary about talking to anyone face to face. No one was particularly kind/understanding about my living in pain for the first 5 years of my shoulder issues, so I don't expect anything from anyone on the emotional support score.

Very few people understand what's been going on and so I've not shared much about how whats happening now is making me feel - when I try to explain all I get is "you're so strong, you're amazing to deal with all this, it's great that you have got through everything on your own" etc etc etc. I don't feel strong or amazing and it's not great that I've done this on my own, I haven't had any flipping choice in the matter

I'm still 'leaky' today but at least I'm less down in the hole. TBF, having this place really has kept me hanging on and I really appreciate everything you've said - reading and empathising, and cyberhugs are great, thank you

[weeksy]

Wouldn't moving back to the UK to a country with English, the NHS and other benefits for a couple of years help ? It'd make employment easier, conversation easier and deffo would make certain aspects of treatment easier (potentially), you'd also be closer to people you know and know you. Sure you'd be away from the mountains, but you'd be less alone than you are now.
You'd also have the benefit that riding in the UK is a shit load easier than the mountain passes and if you choose your location well, you wouldn't really have to anyway.

Where you've chosen as your base makes things ultimately a lot harder ?