Insignificant/ Significant things that BYP or just wind you up a little

[Skub]

DHL.

Mrs J ordered me a new amp for Christmas, seems its stuck in England and will be delivered the next working day, so probably early next year. I'm not disappointed as I know DHL are useless cunts but she's not happy.

I suppose they all have their moments,but I've always had good results with DHL. Now that EVRI lot,there's a proper shower of useless shit.

[Bigjawa]

DHL.

Mrs J ordered me a new amp for Christmas, seems its stuck in England and will be delivered the next working day, so probably early next year. I'm not disappointed as I know DHL are useless cunts but she's not happy.

I suppose they all have their moments,but I've always had good results with DHL. Now that EVRI lot,there's a proper shower of useless shit.

Evei are Hermes by another name, their stuff all goes through Bondelivery at Nutts Corner. I wouldn't send anything less sturdy than a tank with them.

[Yorick]

Losing stuff. Got a big garage and painted floor so can usually find stuff if dropped.
In last few months , working on brakes, I've lost a handlebar clamp and 2 banjo bolts.
The spares bin has seen me right. And cadging bits off Pen's bike.

Yesterday I was trying to restore Pen's brakes and noticed the top banjo bolt had tiny holes. Maybe this is why it wouldn't bleed.
So took off the caliper bolt to compare.
Yup. Bigger holes. So decided to use that on M/C to force more fluid.

2 minutes later the banjo fairy came and stole them both. Searched for half hour and gave up.
Looked for half hour today. Nada.

When I put pics of the garage on here a few days ago, I noticed it was full of clutter.
An hour later I'd filled a bin bag and all shelves and spaces cleared
Looks great but no banjo bolts.

Had to order new ones and wait.

[ZRX61]

I was at a store a few days ago & didn't have my hearing aid. Apparently some *elf* with a collection bucket had said something to me on the way into the store that I didn't hear. She was off to one side so I hadn't walked past her on the way in or the way out.
She decided to give me a ration of shit about it on the way out. I had no idea WTF she was babbling about, explained that I didn't have my hearing aid etc.
Then she decided to give me a ration of shit about leaving home without the hearing aid as well.

As that tirade ended a family was walking out of the store & got to hear me tell a Christmas elf to go fuck herself

[Jody]

Our new chef

ohh, where to start??

I drove 2 hours to Annecy to pick her up, just to find out she'd given me her departure time from Paris, not her arrival time in Annecy. But that didn't overly matter as she missed her train. She managed to get an alternative to Lyon. So I drove 2 hours to Lyon and then 2.5 Hours home. The next day, she's really tired because if all the travelling...... really YOU'RE tired, aww bless

She's allergic to EVERYTHING, She doesn't like windy mountain roads, she constantly says things are "weird";

Why would you put gravy on perfectly good chicken
why do you eat peas
are just 2 classics

She has complained about everything, her room's too small, her bed's too small, her rooms too hot, it's also too dry.

Apparently for the last 7 years, we've been buying the wrong ingredients from the wrong shops and cooking the wrong dishes. She "hates" all of our serving dishes "They're not for serving, they're for baking".

A couple days ago I was preparing the charcuterie board ( technically her job, but she was behind again ).
" Why are you cutting the cheese into little cubes like that?".
'Because that's how they like it done'.
The very next day, while I was stood next to her she asked Mum of the family
" Do you really want the cheese cut into little cubes.... or do you want it done properly?"

There's been 4 easy dinners so far. despite her spending ALL DAY in the kitchen, and me doing more than I've ever had to with any of the other chefs, she has failed to get one meal out on time.

She insists on making things from scratch, but they seem too often not work.

Our induction hob beeps when it's not happy, she appears to have made ZERO progress in learning, what specific things make it beep and how to avoid them. Instead she prefers to constantly criticise the hob and keep saying it hates her or she hates it.

Yesterday morning she was clearly told by 'Mum'. "We don't want a dessert on Christmas day"

A few hours later she says to 'mum'
" I know you said not to, but I'm going to do sticky toffee pudding for Christmas day ".

Last night, once dinner and dessert had been served, she disappeared into her room, leaving me with all the clearing up and setting up for breakfast. When she finally reappeared she states
" I need to go out for a walk, do you mind? "
I somehow managed not to say
" yes, it's probably better if you do fuck off ".

And then this morning, I go in for 8AM as usual to set up breakfast for 8:30. She's nowhere to be seen, she finally appears at 8:30 and then says to 'mum' Is it alright if you guys just have cereal today ???

Now she can't understand why 'Mum' has given her VERY clear instructions on what to cook tomorrow, Literally saying " Cross pigs in blankets of the list, cross dessert off the list ". Then just as i'm leaving she says
" I think I'm gonna do some ginger bread men for Christmas "

I somehow managed
" We're different people who do things differently, If It was me, I would do EXACTLY what I've been asked, and do it perfectly, no more no less "

The only blessing is that the family have seen it, they are aware that I'm bending over backwards to keep her as happy as possible. We need her until 6th January, we just won't get anyone else at such short notice.

Ohh yeah, she earns more than me, and gets food included. She didn't want a ski pass, so my allowance for a ski pass has been cut by over 50%, and she keeps telling me how shit the money is. She claims to earn up to $1000 a day when working in 'The Hamptons' but also can't understand how I own a property because apparently, she'll never be able to !!

[weeksy]

Is she hot?

[Count Steer]

Is she hot?

Too hot...and too dry apparently.

(Hmmm...a large bucket of cold water might do the trick ).

[Yorick]

Bloody printers.

Bought a new Epson printer recently. Not used it much really. This morning it stopped working as low on ink.
Fark. They put fuck all in when new.

I needed something printed for tnrw, but no chance now.

[Felix]

Is she hot?

Does it matter she has obviously declined his advances

[ZRX61]

Our new chef

ohh, where to start??

You can start by dropping her off at the nearest fucking bus stop. WTF is wrong with you? MTFU.

[Count Steer]

Our new chef

ohh, where to start??

You can start by dropping her off at the nearest fucking bus stop. WTF is wrong with you? MTFU.

Surely Sir and Madam can manage on takeaways (and the wine 'cellar') until Jan 6?

[Noggin]

Our new chef

ohh, where to start??

You can start by dropping her off at the nearest fucking bus stop. WTF is wrong with you? MTFU.

Surely Sir and Madam can manage on takeaways (and the wine 'cellar') until Jan 6?

TBF, if I didn't love my job (and the fact that it could become permanent) I'd offer to go cook, sounds like I could manage better!!

[Count Steer]

You can start by dropping her off at the nearest fucking bus stop. WTF is wrong with you? MTFU.

Surely Sir and Madam can manage on takeaways (and the wine 'cellar') until Jan 6?

TBF, if I didn't love my job (and the fact that it could become permanent) I'd offer to go cook, sounds like I could manage better!!

I think a week on bread and dripping or takeaways will do them a world of good.

I wonder why last years cook didn't come back? Hey ho...some are born to rule, some are born to serve. Maybe 'mum' would get her arse into gear and find out where the kitchen is.

[ZRX61]

I think a week on bread and dripping or takeaways will do them a world of good.

I recently discovered that WallyWorld has tubs of bacon dripping

[Count Steer]

I think a week on bread and dripping or takeaways will do them a world of good.

I recently discovered that WallyWorld has tubs of bacon dripping

Not sure I approve of that. Beef dripping, on bread with a sprinkle of salt or 'fried bread', OK, but pork? Hmmm, I'll get back to you.

[ZRX61]

Not sure I approve of that. Beef dripping, on bread with a sprinkle of salt or 'fried bread', OK, but pork? Hmmm, I'll get back to you.

Might be good in baking trays for Yorkshires....

[Mr. Dazzle]

I think a week on bread and dripping or takeaways will do them a world of good.

I recently discovered that WallyWorld has tubs of bacon dripping

Sir will be wanting....

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Lardo?wprov=sfla1

[Jody]

Is she hot?

Flat NO

Our new chef

ohh, where to start??

You can start by dropping her off at the nearest fucking bus stop. WTF is wrong with you? MTFU.

It's not my decision, I don't have the authority and we don't have anyone to replace her !

Surely Sir and Madam can manage on takeaways (and the wine 'cellar') until Jan 6?

TBF, if I didn't love my job (and the fact that it could become permanent) I'd offer to go cook, sounds like I could manage better!!

I think a week on bread and dripping or takeaways will do them a world of good.

I wonder why last years cook didn't come back? Hey ho...some are born to rule, some are born to serve. Maybe 'mum' would get her arse into gear and find out where the kitchen is.

Last years chef didn't come back because she went to New York to work in a Michelin starred restaurant

[DefTrap]

Outside the supermarche yesterday, the missus and I are approached by a strongly limping young woman complete with walking stick. She has a sob story about being flooded out and hungry ( I'm not sure how the two correlate, but yes there has been local flooding). As I'm rolling my eyes my missus is scratching for change in my wallet and a few coins drops out to the tarmac. "Limpy' displays skills that would be envied by olympic gymnasts in her haste to retrieve them ...

[gremlin]

BiL - what time is Christmas Dinner?

Me - 2pm, as advised.

BiL - yeah, we'll be there about 2.30.