Stallone; Guys im making a movie about composers. I'll be Beethoven.
Van Damme; Okay, I'll be Mozart!
Schwarzenegger; Fuck off guys, I'm not saying it...
Jokes Thread
-
Taipan
- Posts: 19285
- Joined: Sat Mar 14, 2020 1:48 pm
- Location: Essex Riviera!
- Has thanked: 20811 times
- Been thanked: 13615 times
-
v8-powered
- Posts: 3048
- Joined: Mon Mar 16, 2020 7:37 pm
- Location: Colchester
- Has thanked: 2841 times
- Been thanked: 1599 times
-
Demannu
- Posts: 1882
- Joined: Sat May 08, 2021 5:14 pm
- Location: Another day without using algebra
- Has thanked: 65 times
- Been thanked: 1234 times
-
Taipan
- Posts: 19285
- Joined: Sat Mar 14, 2020 1:48 pm
- Location: Essex Riviera!
- Has thanked: 20811 times
- Been thanked: 13615 times
Re: Jokes Thread
Doctor: How long have you been obsessed with The Who??
Patient: Ever since I was a young boy..
Patient: Ever since I was a young boy..
NC750X mpg 
-
Noggin
- Posts: 10085
- Joined: Thu Mar 19, 2020 1:46 pm
- Location: Ski Resort
- Has thanked: 19493 times
- Been thanked: 4942 times
Re: Jokes Thread
Life is for living. Buy the shoes. Eat the cake. Ride the bikes. Just, ride the bikes!! 
-
Demannu
- Posts: 1882
- Joined: Sat May 08, 2021 5:14 pm
- Location: Another day without using algebra
- Has thanked: 65 times
- Been thanked: 1234 times
-
Noggin
- Posts: 10085
- Joined: Thu Mar 19, 2020 1:46 pm
- Location: Ski Resort
- Has thanked: 19493 times
- Been thanked: 4942 times
Re: Jokes Thread
Not meant as a joke but I’m giggling 
Life is for living. Buy the shoes. Eat the cake. Ride the bikes. Just, ride the bikes!!
-
JackyJoll
- Posts: 4439
- Joined: Sun May 03, 2020 10:11 pm
- Has thanked: 245 times
- Been thanked: 1227 times
- Contact:
Re: Jokes Thread
Custody Sgt "Your client is just through here."
Solicitor "I'm not saying anything without my solicitor present."
Custody Sgt "Eh? You are a solicitor!"
Solicitor "Exactly! Where's my present?"
Solicitor "I'm not saying anything without my solicitor present."
Custody Sgt "Eh? You are a solicitor!"
Solicitor "Exactly! Where's my present?"
-
Demannu
- Posts: 1882
- Joined: Sat May 08, 2021 5:14 pm
- Location: Another day without using algebra
- Has thanked: 65 times
- Been thanked: 1234 times
-
JackyJoll
- Posts: 4439
- Joined: Sun May 03, 2020 10:11 pm
- Has thanked: 245 times
- Been thanked: 1227 times
- Contact:
-
Mr. Dazzle
- Posts: 16347
- Joined: Mon Mar 16, 2020 7:57 pm
- Location: Milton Keynes
- Has thanked: 2417 times
- Been thanked: 6369 times
Re: Jokes Thread
I overheard something similar on my local library too.Potter wrote: Mon Dec 04, 2023 12:44 pm I was in the library earlier and I overheard a conversation between a bloke and the librarian, he was asking for a book about micro-penises, but he couldn't remember the title.
She said "I don't think it's in yet" and he said "Yes, that's the one".
Guy asked if the new book about Tortoises was in yet.
"Hard back?" asked the librarian.
"Yeah that's them" he says.
-
The Martian
- Posts: 681
- Joined: Sat Mar 14, 2020 6:44 pm
- Has thanked: 841 times
- Been thanked: 564 times
-
Demannu
- Posts: 1882
- Joined: Sat May 08, 2021 5:14 pm
- Location: Another day without using algebra
- Has thanked: 65 times
- Been thanked: 1234 times
-
Noggin
- Posts: 10085
- Joined: Thu Mar 19, 2020 1:46 pm
- Location: Ski Resort
- Has thanked: 19493 times
- Been thanked: 4942 times
Re: Jokes Thread
Please don't be holding anything that might spill or break when reading this!!! -
Dear Arm & Hammer,
As your customer I would greatly appreciate in the future if you could affix warnings or perhaps bold letters depicting the words "MENTHOL" on the bottle of your "EXTRA STRENGTH PLUS" sinus rinse.
As a long time customer of your saline washes, I was left to assume that "EXTRA STRENGTH PLUS" referred to the sodium level in the saline spray. I stand corrected in my assumption. It actually means SPICY ACID BATH OF NOSTRIL LAVA.
This product set off an unexpected chain of events which led me to quite literally; shit my pants.
As with prior sinus rinses I inserted the nozzle into my nostril, tilted my head back, and began to spray the saline wash into my nose letting it work it's way through my sinus canals. Suddenly, with a thunderous vengeance, the menthol activated.
It felt like I had snorted pure wasabi. My whole head began to burn like a prostitute trying to enter the Vatican.
I felt burning in places I had never felt sensations before. It was so hot, my third eye began to water. I can only describe it as my "inside face" had caught on fire.
Meanwhile my teeth, armpits, and groin suddenly felt freezing cold. Parts of body began to tingle, as if my Spidey Sense was warning me that the worst was still yet to come.
This sudden combination of sensations prohibited me from leaning forward to let it drain from my nose into the sink.
Instead, it began to run down the back of my throat sending me into an uncontrollable coughing fit, ultimately leading me to lose control of my rectal retention.
Thus removing my ability to govern self control over my sphincter - which regrettably induced an episode of what I'd like to call "unexpected wet farts of despair."
I'd estimate, I coughed five times in total, whilst simultaneously farting each time. Each one sounding exactly like air escaping a balloons blow hole being pinched and spread apart.
Crying out in a high pitched whine mimicking someone whispering the word "Whhhhhhhyyyyyyyy?" in a really really sad voice.
Take note Arm & Hammer: "Half blind, on fire, and shitting your pants," were not mentioned in potential side effects. You may want to add that for legal purposes.
I implore your marketing and design department to have the word "VERY SPICY" printed on the front of the label. Along with "MAY SHIT PANTS."
Your loyal customer,
Sean
Dear Arm & Hammer,
As your customer I would greatly appreciate in the future if you could affix warnings or perhaps bold letters depicting the words "MENTHOL" on the bottle of your "EXTRA STRENGTH PLUS" sinus rinse.
As a long time customer of your saline washes, I was left to assume that "EXTRA STRENGTH PLUS" referred to the sodium level in the saline spray. I stand corrected in my assumption. It actually means SPICY ACID BATH OF NOSTRIL LAVA.
This product set off an unexpected chain of events which led me to quite literally; shit my pants.
As with prior sinus rinses I inserted the nozzle into my nostril, tilted my head back, and began to spray the saline wash into my nose letting it work it's way through my sinus canals. Suddenly, with a thunderous vengeance, the menthol activated.
It felt like I had snorted pure wasabi. My whole head began to burn like a prostitute trying to enter the Vatican.
I felt burning in places I had never felt sensations before. It was so hot, my third eye began to water. I can only describe it as my "inside face" had caught on fire.
Meanwhile my teeth, armpits, and groin suddenly felt freezing cold. Parts of body began to tingle, as if my Spidey Sense was warning me that the worst was still yet to come.
This sudden combination of sensations prohibited me from leaning forward to let it drain from my nose into the sink.
Instead, it began to run down the back of my throat sending me into an uncontrollable coughing fit, ultimately leading me to lose control of my rectal retention.
Thus removing my ability to govern self control over my sphincter - which regrettably induced an episode of what I'd like to call "unexpected wet farts of despair."
I'd estimate, I coughed five times in total, whilst simultaneously farting each time. Each one sounding exactly like air escaping a balloons blow hole being pinched and spread apart.
Crying out in a high pitched whine mimicking someone whispering the word "Whhhhhhhyyyyyyyy?" in a really really sad voice.
Take note Arm & Hammer: "Half blind, on fire, and shitting your pants," were not mentioned in potential side effects. You may want to add that for legal purposes.
I implore your marketing and design department to have the word "VERY SPICY" printed on the front of the label. Along with "MAY SHIT PANTS."
Your loyal customer,
Sean
Life is for living. Buy the shoes. Eat the cake. Ride the bikes. Just, ride the bikes!!
-
Demannu
- Posts: 1882
- Joined: Sat May 08, 2021 5:14 pm
- Location: Another day without using algebra
- Has thanked: 65 times
- Been thanked: 1234 times
-
Count Steer
- Posts: 15873
- Joined: Mon Jul 19, 2021 4:59 pm
- Has thanked: 8012 times
- Been thanked: 5666 times
Re: Jokes Thread
Happened to me all the time and I'm slimmer and more handsome than him. I never posted it on Facebook. (There wasn't space...all the blokes on sports bikes, with their tribute Arais/Shoeis, leathers with humps in, bits of carbon and knee sliders etc etc etc etc etc beat me to it
).The plural of 'anecdote' is not 'data'.
-
Mr. Dazzle
- Posts: 16347
- Joined: Mon Mar 16, 2020 7:57 pm
- Location: Milton Keynes
- Has thanked: 2417 times
- Been thanked: 6369 times
-
Mr. Dazzle
- Posts: 16347
- Joined: Mon Mar 16, 2020 7:57 pm
- Location: Milton Keynes
- Has thanked: 2417 times
- Been thanked: 6369 times
-
ChrisW
- Posts: 3492
- Joined: Thu Feb 10, 2022 8:46 pm
- Has thanked: 3714 times
- Been thanked: 3027 times
