Jokes Thread

[Yorick]

One for Weeksy..

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[Whysub]

Someone has nicked my trainers and my hi-viz reflective jacket!!! You can run, but you can’t hide!

A bloke in a wheelchair stole my camouflage jacket from the pub at lunchtime. I though "You can hide, but you can't run".

[JackyJoll]

[Taipan]

[Yambo]

I guess the one world military is to protect the Illuminati from the 'one world' because if it is just 'one world' wtf is an army for?

Oh, hold on, it's meant to be a joke. My bad.

[Taipan]

[Taipan]

[Wossname]

Rupert from Surrey was on hoiday in Scotland. A bit of a rash driver, he went through a stop sign in the middle of Glasgow. He was picked up by a Glasgow copper. Rupert, who is not impressed, thinks: "I'm not going to let this ignorant peasant of a Scottish cop get one over on me".

"Good ofternune, officer."

Cop: " Licence and registration papers please, surrr".

Rupert: "What for?"

Cop: "Ye didnae come tae a complete stop at the sign. Licence and registration papers, please."

R: "I slowed down, there was nobody coming."

Cop: "Ye still didnae come tae a complete stop. Licence and registration papers, please. "

R: "What's the difference?"

Cop: "Diference is, ye huv tae come tae a complete stop and that's the law. Licence and registration papers, please."

R: (getting cocky now): "Tell you what, if you can show me the LEGAL difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my licence and registration papers, and you can give me a ticket. If not, you let me go - no ticket."

Cop thinks - sounds fair. "Exit your vehicle please, surrr."

Rupert exits his vehicle. Cop takes out his truncheon and starts beating the living daylights out of Rupert with it.

"Now surrr, dae ye want me tae stop, or just slow down?"

[derek badger]

So I went to the doctors and told him my arse hurt.

"Can you describe whereabouts the pain is located?" he asked.

So I drew a little circle with my finger and said "It's right around the entrance."

The doctor looked at me and replied "My advice to you is that if you continue to refer to it as the entrance it's going to hurt..."

[Saga Lout]

[Taipan]

[Pirahna]

[Yorick]

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[derek badger]

[David]

Definitely not le.......more like a steam powered traction engine.

[Taipan]

When I was a kid my Mum used to bathe me in Australian lager. It wasn't until i was a teenager that I realised i'd been Fostered....

[KungFooBob]

The D in Dunstable is in fact load bearing.
Take it away and then see what happens.

[Yorick]

This made me giggle

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[Trinity765]

[JackyJoll]

I’ll carve.