Jokes Thread

[Saga Lout]

One for the grandma pendants:

• An Oxford comma walks into a bar, where it spends the evening watching the television, getting drunk, and smoking cigars.
• A dangling participle walks into a bar. Enjoying a cocktail and chatting with the bartender, the evening passes pleasantly.
• A bar was walked into by the passive voice.
• An oxymoron walked into a bar, and the silence was deafening.
• Two quotation marks walk into a “bar.”
• A malapropism walks into a bar, looking for all intensive purposes like a wolf in cheap clothing, muttering epitaphs and casting dispersions on his magnificent other, who takes him for granite.
• Hyperbole totally rips into this insane bar and absolutely destroys everything.
• A question mark walks into a bar?
• A non sequitur walks into a bar. In a strong wind, even turkeys can fly.
• Papyrus and Comic Sans walk into a bar. The bartender says, “Get out — we don’t serve your type.”
• A mixed metaphor walks into a bar, seeing the handwriting on the wall but hoping to nip it in the bud.
• A comma splice walks into a bar, it has a drink and then leaves.
• Three intransitive verbs walk into a bar. They sit. They converse. They depart.
• A synonym strolls into a tavern.
• At the end of the day, a cliché walks into a bar — fresh as a daisy, cute as a button, and sharp as a tack.
• A run-on sentence walks into a bar it starts flirting. With a cute little sentence fragment.
• Falling slowly, softly falling, the chiasmus collapses to the bar floor.
• A figure of speech literally walks into a bar and ends up getting figuratively hammered.
• An allusion walks into a bar, despite the fact that alcohol is its Achilles heel.
• The subjunctive would have walked into a bar, had it only known.
• A misplaced modifier walks into a bar owned by a man with a glass eye named Ralph.
• The past, present, and future walked into a bar. It was tense.
• A dyslexic walks into a bra.
• A verb walks into a bar, sees a beautiful noun, and suggests they conjugate. The noun declines.
• A simile walks into a bar, as parched as a desert.
• A gerund and an infinitive walk into a bar, drinking to forget.
• A hyphenated word and a non-hyphenated word walk into a bar and the bartender nearly chokes on the irony.

[slowsider]

Nice. But who'd want to hang a grandma?

[Potter]

• A malapropism walks into a bar, looking for all intensive purposes like a wolf in cheap clothing, muttering epitaphs and casting dispersions on his magnificent other, who takes him for granite.

I pacifically liked this one.

[Saga Lout]

Three homonyms walked into a bar looking sad. The barman said "There, their, they're".

[Mr. Dazzle]

They're/their/there homophones, not homonyms?

Or have eye got that wrong?

Edit: Nope one is a subset of the other.

[Saga Lout]

They're/their/there homophones, not homonyms?

Or have eye got that wrong?

Edit: Nope one is a subset of the other.

Homophone is a subset of homonym. I.e. a homophone is a homonym, a homonym is not necessarily a homophone.

"There", "their" and "they're" are homophones so there, sorry they're also homonyms. (Actually, "there" and "their" are homophones, "they're" isn't, but people still seem to get confused.)

[The Martian]

They're/their/there homophones, not homonyms?

Or have eye got that wrong?

Edit: Nope one is a subset of the other.

Homophone is a subset of homonym. I.e. a homophone is a homonym, a homonym is not necessarily a homophone.

"There", "their" and "they're" are homophones so there, sorry they're also homonyms. (Actually, "there" and "their" are homophones, "they're" isn't, but people still seem to get confused.)

Sounds a bit.. gay.

[JackyJoll]

A million exaggerations walked into a bar.

[JackyJoll]

[Saga Lout]

Two aberrant apostrophe's walked into a green'grocers.

[Wreckless Rat]

They're/their/there homophones, not homonyms?

Or have eye got that wrong?

Edit: Nope one is a subset of the other.

Homophone is a subset of homonym. I.e. a homophone is a homonym, a homonym is not necessarily a homophone.

"There", "their" and "they're" are homophones so there, sorry they're also homonyms. (Actually, "there" and "their" are homophones, "they're" isn't, but people still seem to get confused.)

Sounds a bit.. gay.

Also sounds a bit “who really gives a fuxk”

[JackyJoll]

A tautology walked into a bar that sold drink.

[JackyJoll]

Have we already had the hanging preposition and the bar it walked into?

[JackyJoll]

Had only the subjunctive walked into a bar!

[JackyJoll]

Two Americanisms have somehow gotten into a bar.

[JackyJoll]

Two pidgin belong glug glug.

[JackyJoll]

[neilf]

A wife told her husband that if he ever came home drunk again, she would leave him. So one night he went out, got drunk, and threw up all over himself. He told his friend, "I can't go home like this or my wife will leave me."

The friend said, "I have an idea. Tell her that someone else threw up all over you, and put £20 in your pocket, and say that he gave you £20 for the dry cleaning." He thought that was a good idea, so he went home and told his wife that someone else threw up all over him and gave him £20 for the dry cleaning.

The wife said, "Why do you have two £20 notes?"

He said, "The other one is from the guy who shit in my pants."

[Taipan]

[Taipan]