Jokes Thread

[Yorick]

On a flight to Japan, a plane passes through a severe storm. The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse when one wing is struck by lightning. One woman in particular loses it.
Screaming, she stands up in the front of the plane. "I'm too young to die!" she wails. Then she yells, "Well, if I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on Earth to be memorable! I've had plenty of relationships in my life, but no one has ever made me really feel like a woman! Well I've had it! Is there ANYONE on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN?"

For a moment there is silence. Everyone has forgotten their own peril and they all stare riveted, at the desperate woman in the front of the plane.

Then, a business man stands up in the rear of the plane. "I can make you feel like a woman," he says. He's gorgeous. Well-dressed, tall, built, with flowing black hair and jet black eyes, he starts to walk slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt one button at a time. No one moves. The woman is breathing heavily in anticipation as the strange man approaches.

He removes his shirt. Muscles ripple across his chest as he reaches her and extends the arm holding his shirt to the trembling woman, and whispers: "Iron this."

[WelshDragon]

You’re definitely living up or should that be down to the reputation that precedes you........

[Tricky]

Doubtless at least some of you have seen this, but for anyone who hasn't...

Latest purchase limits placed on shops, in light of the Coronavirus due to panic buying;

ASDA: 2 hand sanitisers and a 4 pack of toilet rolls.

TESCO: 1 hand sanitiser, 500g of rice and 4 pack of toilet rolls.

WAITROSE: 1 lobster, 6 quails eggs and 100g of Foie Gras.

ALDI: a MIG welder, a pink sports bra, 2 trumpets and 1 wetsuit.

[GuzziPaul]

On a flight to Japan, a plane passes through a severe storm. The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse when one wing is struck by lightning. ...............

And thats why I thought the joke thread should have beenj left in TRC

[Yorick]

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[Yorick]

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[Bobble]

Yorick's been at the 'Bernard Manning's' joke book again......

[Yorick]

Bohemian Coronavirus Rhapsody:

Is this a sore throat?
Is this just allergies?
Caught in a lockdown
No escape from reality.

Don’t touch your eyes
Just hand sanitize quicklyyyyy
I’m just a poor boy, no job security
Because of easy spread, even though
washed your hands, laying low
I look out the window, the curve doesn’t look flatter to me, to me

mama, just killed a man
i didn’t stay inside in bed
I walked by him, now he’s dead
mama, life was so much fun
but now I’ve caught this unforgiving plague

mama, oooooh
didn’t mean to make them die
if I’m not back to work this time tomorrow
carry on, carry on as if people didn’t matter

Too late, my time has come
sends shivers down my spine
body’s aching all the time
goodbye everybody, I’ve got the flu
gotta leave you all behind and face the truth

mama, oooooh
I don’t wanna die
I sometimes wish I never went out at all

I see a little silhouette of a man
what a douche, what a douche
did he even wash his hands though
security is tightening
very very frightening me
Gotta lay low (gotta lay low)
Gotta lay low (gotta lay low)
Gotta lay low masturbate
Masturbate O O O O

I’m just a poor boy, facing mortality
HE’S JUST A POOR BOY FACING MORTALITY
spare him his life from this monstrosity

Touch your face, wash your hands, will you wash your hands?
BISMILLAH NO WE WILL NOT WASH OUR HANDS! (WASH YOUR HANDS!)
BISMILLAH NO WE WILL NOT WASH OUR HANDS! (WASH YOUR HANDS)

BISMILLAH WE WILL NOT WASH YOUR HANDS! (WASH YOUR HANDS!)
WASH YOUR HANDS! (never, never, never wash your hands oh oh oh oh oh oh oh)
No no no no no
Oh mama mia, mia (mama mia wash your hands!)
COVID-19 has a sickness put aside for me, for me

So you think you can stop me and just shake my hand?
So you think we can hang out and not break our plans?
Oh baby, can’t do this with me, baby,
Just gotta stay home, just gotta stay home with my fever

oooooh
Curving can get flatter
Anyone can see
Curving can get flatter
Curving can get flatter, you’ll see

Just look out your windows….

[WheeliePig]

The wage gap is a myth.

After much research it has been discovered men just tend to go for higher paid job, like doctor, engineer, and CEO. Whereas women tend to go for jobs that are much lower paid, like female doctor, female engineer and female CEO.

[Buckaroo]

The wage gap is a myth.

After much research it has been discovered men just tend to go for higher paid job, like doctor, engineer, and CEO. Whereas women tend to go for jobs that are much lower paid, like female doctor, female engineer and female CEO.

That's a kamikaze joke.

If I told it to my wife or daughter they would kill me.

[Buckaroo]

Silly joke

First Russian death through Covid19 has been announced.

Mr Ivor Chesticov was discovered............

Well it made me smile but then most things do.

[Yorick]

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[Yorick]

⚠ Warning⚠

There is a link going around that says it is to a live gig from Bono of U2 in his front room.

DO NOT click on the link!

It will take you to a live gig from Bono in his front room.

[Yorick]

I bought a world map, gave Penny a dart and said "Throw this and wherever it lands I'm taking you on holiday once this pandemic is over"

Looks like we're spending two weeks behind the fridge

[Yorick]

A suspected Covid-19 male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose. A young student female nurse appears and gives him a partial sponge bath.

"Nurse,"' he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?"

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet."

He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, please check for me. Are my testicles black?"

Concerned that he might elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worrying about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and
pulls back the covers.

She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles gently in the other.

She looks very closely, moving them around to check all angles and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir. They look fine."

The man slowly pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her, and says very slowly,

"Thank you very much. That was wonderful. Now listen very,
very, closely:

"Are - my - test - results - back?"

[636mick]

I went shopping in Tesco, they said it was ok to wear a mask and gloves. Bloody liars, everyone else had clothes on!!!
Sorry.

[Yorick]

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[Yorick]

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[rodbargee]

[DW.]

You bastards are in trouble now that I've found this thread......

A young family moved into a house next door to an empty block.
A few weeks later, a few tradies turned up to start building on the empty block.
The young family's 4-year-old daughter took an interest in all the activity going on and started talking with the workers.
She hung around them a lot and eventually the tradies, all with hearts of gold, more or less adopted the little girl as one of the workers.
They gas bagged with her, let her sit with them while they had tea and lunch breaks, and gave her odd jobs to do here and there to make her feel important.
They even gave her a hard hat, safety specs and gloves, which she was very excited about.
At the end of the first week, the tradies presented her with a pay envelope - containing $10 in $1 coins.
The little girl took the envelope next door to her mum who suggested that they take it to the bank the next day and open a savings account.
At the bank, the cashier was tickled pink listening to the little girl telling her about her 'work' on the building site and the fact she had a 'pay packet'.
'You must have worked very hard to earn this', said the cashier.
The little girl proudly replied, 'Yes, I worked every day with Bob, Pete and Mike. We're building a big house.'
'My goodness gracious,' said the cashier, 'And will you be working on the house again next week?'
The child thought for a moment. Then she said in a serious voice:
'I think so. Provided those bloody wankers at Bunnings deliver the f-cking bricks on time.'