Jokes Thread

[DW.]

Stole this one off me mate on the other forum..

A suspected Covid-19 patient is lying in bed in the hospital wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose. A young student female nurse appears and gives him a partial sponge bath. "Nurse,"' he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?"
Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet." He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, please check for me. Are my testicles black?"
Concerned that he might elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worrying about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back the covers. Student nurse raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles gently in the other. She looks very closely and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir They look fine."

The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her. "Thank you very much, that was wonderful. Now listen closely, I will say this again slowly: "Are - my - test - results - back?"

[WelshDragon]

Sex After Surgery
A recent article in the Daily Post reported that a man, Mr Harper, had sued St John’s Hospital saying that after surgery there his wife had lost all interest in having sex with him.

A St John’s Hospital spokesman replied:

“Mrs Harper was admitted for cataract surgery. All we did was correct her eyesight......”

[WelshDragon]

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[WelshDragon]

Thought this might be apt for a few on here.

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[Yorick]

Telling jokes in the pub one night, I did the 'what do you do if you see an epileptic in the bath, chuck your washing in joke, and this guy came over and said"i take offence to this joke. I had an epileptic brother who died in the bath'
I said "sorry mate, did he drown?"
He said " no, he choked on a sock"

[Yorick]

"The Sex Therapist"

A professor was delivering the key note speech at a sex therapists annual convention.

His thesis was fairly simple, the more sex you have, the happier you are.

After delivering his key messages and to illustrate his point the professor asked everyone in the audience to raise their hands if they were getting sex every night.

Around half of the audience raised their hands and the professor noted pleasingly that they were all smiling happily.

He thanked them, asked them to put their hands down and then asked that all those people in the audience getting sex just once a week would now raise their hands.

Around a quarter of the audience pushed up their hands with some degree of satisfaction etched on their faces and the professor nodded his appreciation, asked them to lower their hands and then asked for those people only getting sex about once a month to raise their hands.

A small number of people in the audience raised their hands in the air but the movement lacked any form of enthusiasm and the faces looking back him were not smiling. This pleased the professor.

Finally the professor asked if there was anyone in the audience getting sex just once a year to now raise their hands.

This one guy jumped up and shouted “Yes, me” with a big beaming smile lighting up his face as he bounced on his toes, waving his arms in the air.

Devastated that his thesis had been completely shattered, the professor looked at the man and asked “But why are you so happy?”

The bouncing, beaming man shouted back “Because it's tonight!!”

[David]

Have you been looking in my " ancient jokes that made the dinosaurs laugh" book?

[Yorick]

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[Yorick]

[Taipan]

[Dodgy69]

My little neighbour's pet mouse Elvis died today...







He was caught in a trap.

[derek badger]

[derek badger]

[Horse]

President Trump is giving a speech about Covid19.

"But the trouble is, we do too many tests! If we did less tests ... "
Mike Pence whispers in his ear "Fewer"
Trump continues on " .. Then we'd have less cases of ... "
Pence whispers, more loudly "Fewer!"

Trump turns to him and says "I told you to stop calling me that in public!"

[Taipan]

[Taipan]

laurenceschool com

[gremlin]

A sports car raced past me the other day, driven by a sheep in a swimsuit.

I think it was a lamb bikini

[Yorick]

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[Taipan]

[Yorick]

Wife has just told me she has broken the satnav and wants £150 for a new one.

She can get lost....