Jokes Thread

[Yorick]

????

He's the Spurs manager. They lost to Brighton yesterday.

[Felix]

My wife got stung by a bee on the forehead. She's at the ER now and her face all swollen and bruised, she almost died.

Luckily I was close enough to hit the bee with my shovel.

[David]

????

He's the Spurs manager. They lost to Brighton yesterday.

Ah...football....not my department.

[Felix]

[Taipan]

[slowsider]

That conservative is getting further and further to the right. But look at Diane Abbott's shoes

[Count Steer]

Reminds me of 'When you're young, you vote with your heart. As you get older, you vote with your head. When you're old, you vote with your wallet'.

[Dodgy69]

[Horse]

279382065_552418686247805_7344077029793569515_n.jpg (29.37 KiB) Viewed 880 times

[Taipan]

[Taipan]

[Taipan]

My wife just asked me to stop singing my favourite 60s song, I'm a Believer, by The Monkees, as it was getting on her nerves! I didn't believe her at first, but then I saw her face...

[Horse]

I occasionally suffer from SeventiesFashionItis.

Most of the time I'm OK, just that sometimes it flares up.

[Yorick]

Doctor Doctor, I keep singing "Green green grass of home"

You've got TomJonesitis.

Is that rare ?

It's not unusual

[Mr. Dazzle]

My wife asked me to stop singing Wonderwall all the time.

I said maybe.

[wull]

Wife goes shopping and forgets to put her undies on, she’s in the shoe shop and whilst bent over trying shoes on there it was, her gash in plain view! Shoe salesman says “if you fill that with ice cream I’d eat every last drop of it”…………

Well the wife is mortified, upset and distraught. She goes home and tells the husband! Clearly she’s upset but the husband, no reaction. She’s furious, “why aren’t you angry, you should be going straight down there to batter the man”………….

The husband says

“There’s 3 reasons why I’m not fussed, 1 you shouldn’t be buying shoes, you’ve got plenty of shoes, 2 you shouldn’t be leaving the house with no pants on and 3……….any man that can eat that much ice cream I’m not messing with”.

[Yorick]

A couple, both age 78, went to a sex therapist's office. The doctor asked, "What can I do for you?"
The man said, "Will you watch us have sex?"
The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed.
When the couple finished, the doctor said, "There's nothing wrong with the way you have sex," and charged them £50.
This happened several weeks in a row.
The couple would make an appointment, have sex with no problems, pay the doctor, then leave.
Finally, the doctor asked, "Just exactly what are you trying to find out?"
"We're not trying to find out anything," the husband replied.
"She's married and we can't go to her house. I'm married and we can't go to my house.
The Holiday Inn charges £90.
The Hilton charges £108. We do it here for £50.
And I get £43 back from BUPA

[Treadeager]

Remember....

[Taipan]

Not a joke per se, but I did really LOL at this!

[gremlin]

Remember, if you get chased by a bunch of taxidermists, do not play dead.