Depression

[Yorick]

About 3 years ago on the big bike trip, my head fucked up big time and I messed the holiday up. My fault.
And fell out with my best friend on the island.

It's affected lots of things since as I joined a big circle of friends and I was often left out of stuff since.

But this morning on dog walk, he was having a coffee in a cafe and called me over as I walked past. Great to chat again.
Small steps, but things may be thawing.

I've had a few bad days recently but this has lifted me up.

[darthpunk]

Taking a day off work tomorrow, been needing one for a long time and just want a day to do stuff that I want to do rather then having to negotiate the time at the weekend.

So hopefully go for a cycle in the morning then take a leisurely mooch around the local bike and guitar shops.

Also got some vitamins and magnesium coming at some point. Going to try some supplements in preparation for coming off my tablets I currently take. The side effects are getting a bit wacky , heart palpitations, restless feeling in my legs, dreaming like it's going out of fashion, shortness of breath.....all notes side effects. Been taking SSRI's for a long time, all different types and strengths, but it looks like it's more likely to be ADHD than depression, defo not depressed in classic terms, and quite frankly, these tablets just make me feel worse. The worst side effect is that my weight has stalled completely, doesn't matter how many calories I eat in a day, down to about 1400-1500 a day and my weight goes nowhere. Dieted off 70 pounds a few years back and most came back, now I can't shift them for love nor money.

Anyhoo, rambling now, but determined that I will stick to tomorrows plans and not just vegetate on the couch watching shitty YouTube videos

[Noggin]

I'm having a proper meltdown - tears n all. Been on the verge for weeks but I keep thinking I'm getting on top of it all.

Trouble is that life is on the edge of being sorted and really good. It's kind of not bad now, just stressful with unemployment until December, training course from August - November but no one exactly being helpful about how I pay to get and stay there!!

Also the fact that riding hurts more than driving and probably always will - that's a total fukker and probably even more difficult to deal with than having to accept my disability. I don't know when I have to give the bike back and it's my only transport for now!

Have to go and have an EMG (nerve test, not sure if EMG is correct in english) to see if the nerves in my arm are the same or worse - cos I've been getting nerve pains that are new. I'm aware that the arm will never get better than it is now, but I did think I had a few more years before it got worse!! I mean, pain management is interesting anyway because nothing 'really' works, nerve pain would be a total bastard

Just too many things in the air at the mo. Am supposed to go and see a friend but need to get over the tears first so I don't turn up with red eyes!

And having to continually do all this solo - my french is good, but for conversation; all the other stuff gets quite complicated!

A few other things on the 'causing stress and upset' list on top of a generally depressed state. Bloody good job I promised myself I'd never cause the grief of dealing with a suicide (having had some friends do this over the years, it's a feeling I never want to inflict on others) but right now that could be an option to end all this. But I know it's not a GOOD option.

So, battle on I will, but fucking hell I'm bored of all this, really bored!!

[Wossname]

I’ve read this several times today, Nogs, and each time I’ve not been able to think of anything useful to say - lots of meaningless platitudes which wouldn’t help. So I haven’t said anything, which doesn’t help either! Is there anyone you can actually talk to about it - ideally in English - just to be a listener, even if no more than that? All we can do here is read, and empathise, but I think you could do with more than that. Big hugs anyway…. We’re here, and on your side.

[Noggin]

I’ve read this several times today, Nogs, and each time I’ve not been able to think of anything useful to say - lots of meaningless platitudes which wouldn’t help. So I haven’t said anything, which doesn’t help either! Is there anyone you can actually talk to about it - ideally in English - just to be a listener, even if no more than that? All we can do here is read, and empathise, but I think you could do with more than that. Big hugs anyway…. We’re here, and on your side.

Thank you. And yes, sometimes silence is worse from this side

I spoke to a mate over here yesterday by phone - better really as I've learnt over the years that there are very few if any people around here that deal with emotions very well. And given that I still get the waterworks a lot (thought it was better today, then I came here and cried again!), I'm wary about talking to anyone face to face. No one was particularly kind/understanding about my living in pain for the first 5 years of my shoulder issues, so I don't expect anything from anyone on the emotional support score.

Very few people understand what's been going on and so I've not shared much about how whats happening now is making me feel - when I try to explain all I get is "you're so strong, you're amazing to deal with all this, it's great that you have got through everything on your own" etc etc etc. I don't feel strong or amazing and it's not great that I've done this on my own, I haven't had any flipping choice in the matter

I'm still 'leaky' today but at least I'm less down in the hole. TBF, having this place really has kept me hanging on and I really appreciate everything you've said - reading and empathising, and cyberhugs are great, thank you

[weeksy]

Wouldn't moving back to the UK to a country with English, the NHS and other benefits for a couple of years help ? It'd make employment easier, conversation easier and deffo would make certain aspects of treatment easier (potentially), you'd also be closer to people you know and know you. Sure you'd be away from the mountains, but you'd be less alone than you are now.
You'd also have the benefit that riding in the UK is a shit load easier than the mountain passes and if you choose your location well, you wouldn't really have to anyway.

Where you've chosen as your base makes things ultimately a lot harder ?

[Felix]

Probably be able to do the same job in the likes of Aviemore. Bit less of the white stuff and need to suffer jocks. Its not the sleepy little town i worked in back in 85.

[Noggin]

Wouldn't moving back to the UK to a country with English, the NHS and other benefits for a couple of years help ? It'd make employment easier, conversation easier and deffo would make certain aspects of treatment easier (potentially), you'd also be closer to people you know and know you. Sure you'd be away from the mountains, but you'd be less alone than you are now.
You'd also have the benefit that riding in the UK is a shit load easier than the mountain passes and if you choose your location well, you wouldn't really have to anyway.

Where you've chosen as your base makes things ultimately a lot harder ?

TBF, with the NHS I would be completely disabled on the arm- I was told at the time of the first op that with the prosthesis I have now I wouldn't be able to use my arm, only lessen the pain. The rehab here is amazing and has kept me physically going - 2 - 3 physio sessions a week covered by the health care and my insurance. I would be far worse off physically had I stayed.

Also, sadly, I don't seem to have the same contacts as I used to in the uk, my family is not communicative and the friends I used to see have all moved on (downside of being the only single person in a group, was always a challenge anyway, but 7 years later I doubt I'd find a way back in)

The biggest thing is that the UK no longer feels like home to me when I visit - ok, language is less of an issue, but I'm not convinced anything else would be better.

In December I'll be on a decent permanent contract that I'll have until I can't drive/work in an office - I basically have to deal with the shit for another 3-4 months and all will be fine. And actually, here does feel like home. I've just never been good at making close friends (social skills aren't great) and with the lack of a bike for a few years, I lost my 'easy' way to meet people and make friends. And TBF, I really only saw proper friends in the UK at trackdays/bike meets - I won't be doing track days for another year at best, but would also need to earn a decent amount which I won't in the uk, along with the housing being cheaper here.

The friend I spoke to yesterday had an interesting point because I said this is so weird as I was always fine alone, liked it, my best friends were always my internet weirdo friends in my computer; but suddenly it seems like a real issue and I'm struggling to live in a way I always liked just fine. She reckons that with covid, the 'option' to be alone was taken away. Those of use that lived alone were totally alone and it was no longer a choice. She thinks that has had an effect - weird as for the most part I either enjoyed the quiet or was in a rehab centre!!


I do think that this spiral has just been because since March I have been dealing with serious stuff badly. Mostly because I'm on my own but partly because I get so stressed that I physically can't deal with life admin. Facing up to it is good but also stressful. So things are just feeling worse and scarier. But I know there is a light at the end of the tunnel - selling my place and getting the permanent contract are the big things. Just tough to deal with alone

I'll get over it I'm sure, just having a hard time at the moment xx

[Skub]

I’ve read this several times today, Nogs, and each time I’ve not been able to think of anything useful to say - lots of meaningless platitudes which wouldn’t help. So I haven’t said anything, which doesn’t help either! Is there anyone you can actually talk to about it - ideally in English - just to be a listener, even if no more than that? All we can do here is read, and empathise, but I think you could do with more than that. Big hugs anyway…. We’re here, and on your side.

This sums it up perfectly from my perspective too. I'd never give advice on things like this,as I'm not qualified,but the lack of comment doesn't mean I don't care. There's no one in this community likes to see a member suffering,we all wish the best for you Nogs.

[Noggin]

Just to clarify, moving back would be so far from easy. I have no property there, no one to go and live with, no vehicle, not even a bank account. Even my driving licence is now French. So so much hassle and stress involved, definitely not a simple solution.
Sorting life here will be simpler, just hard to do it alone

And I don’t think I’ll ever move countries alone again. Not to any country!!

@Skub thank you xx

[the_priest]

Been away from this for a while. My daughter has been through the mill, bounced from therapist to clinic to A&E to nearly being sectioned and now back to the clinic, and this time the right one. She is anorexic, autistic and depressive. But she was referred to the food disorder clinic, so I've been driving her out to appointments etc. Today she cuddled into my arms and cried, telling me she wanted to live, to enjoy life and to eat food again. We have been out shopping for what she needs for her refeeding programme (she has lost too much weight and her body is not used to food) so she can start eating again. This is the first bit of light we have had in a long time, my wife and I were struggling with what to do next, sectioning was a possibility for our baby girl, but now she is trying to turn a corner. I'm not sure how things will play out now, but there is a plan we are trying to stick to and will support her through it to the end. She looks so terribly wan and thin, it is horrifying and scares me utterly stupid. Yet as a father I have to let her know that things will work out, as a priest I call on my Lord for help. One day at a time, always find someone to talk to.

I am available on PM for people, if you are in Kent, I may be able to to do face to face. Take care, breathe deep, seek the light and remember to look up for a glimpse of beauty. You are loved.

[gremlin]

Been away from this for a while...

Wishing you, your daughter and the family well. The Gremlinette has had her issues in the past and as a parent (for me anyway) the feeling of not being able to heal your kid's problems and take the pain away is the worst part of it.

Better days are ahead.

[gremlin]

Capturing ever widening mental health issues, the Gremlinette has had a bit of a setback.
I mentioned that she had gone to Milan to see a concert with her boyfriend. I was pleased to hear she'd booked it, as travelling triggers her anxiety: the whole not being able to get off if needs be, etc. Sod's Law dictates she has a tummy bug on the flight out, meaning she's in and out of the aircraft's loo, much to her deep embarrassment. Cue constant stressing about coming home.
On the return leg I knew she would be bad, and her boyfriend was messaging saying she was crying the night before, saying she couldn't get on the plane, etc. To his credit, he handled it really well, letting airport and cabin crew know the situation, and they both said the staff were excellent.
Anyhow, they both got home, we didn't have fly to Milan (shame, never been!) to collect her but she's now saying she'll never fly again.
My fear is that she doesn't confront these fears and her world shrinks ever smaller.
We've booked sessions of CBT and hypnotherapy, having persuaded her to give it another go. She's had counselling previously, which she claims was useless, but I think it's a trait of Gen Z that they expect an instant positive result with no effort required. Trying to gently explain that it will only yield results if she puts into action the exercises discussed.

Baby steps forward.

[Yorick]

Capturing ever widening mental health issues, the Gremlinette has had a bit of a setback.
I mentioned that she had gone to Milan to see a concert with her boyfriend. I was pleased to hear she'd booked it, as travelling triggers her anxiety: the whole not being able to get off if needs be, etc. Sod's Law dictates she has a tummy bug on the flight out, meaning she's in and out of the aircraft's loo, much to her deep embarrassment. Cue constant stressing about coming home.
On the return leg I knew she would be bad, and her boyfriend was messaging saying she was crying the night before, saying she couldn't get on the plane, etc. To his credit, he handled it really well, letting airport and cabin crew know the situation, and they both said the staff were excellent.
Anyhow, they both got home, we didn't have fly to Milan (shame, never been!) to collect her but she's now saying she'll never fly again.
My fear is that she doesn't confront these fears and her world shrinks ever smaller.
We've booked sessions of CBT and hypnotherapy, having persuaded her to give it another go. She's had counselling previously, which she claims was useless, but I think it's a trait of Gen Z that they expect an instant positive result with no effort required. Trying to gently explain that it will only yield results if she puts into action the exercises discussed.

Baby steps forward.

Last time I flew from uk was 3 years ago. As soon as I walked into Gatwick airport I saw all the people and queues and burst into tears.
Penny was with me, but was staying in UK for a bit longer.
She knew I wouldn't be able to cope alone, so she'd booked me the assisted help boarding thingy. The lady saw what a mess I was in and they took me to a nice quiet area of the airport.
Most folk in there were physically disabled, some very badly so.
I looked OK from the outside but a mess inside. They treated me well.

But when a few of us were taken to the boarding gate in a buggy, I could sense some folk looking at me as though I was a fraud.

But without that assistance, I couldn't have made it to the plane.


Maybe book it for young Gremmers?

[Taipan]

Sad the "Not every disability is visual" campaign didn't get wider recognition. I used to deal with basic disability issues years ago, things like providing coloured paper for dyslexics, toilet passes for crohn's (and other illnesses) sufferers, checking the (back then) DDA compliance issues. I was amazed at how quick people would get pretty nasty if someone was using a resource, facility or seeking assistance and they wasn't wheelchair bound.

[gremlin]

Maybe book it for young Gremmers?

Certainly something we look into. Ta.

I'd much rather we sorted her issues at source, though. There's clearly something that's triggered it, as she used to be super confident. Now we're seeing avoidance tactics used to dodge discussions or us trying to help. Her first session with the hypnotherapy guy is tomorrow and we wanted to talk about it, reiterate the need to engage, etc. So last night, she stays around a friend, just to avoid talking about it. Frustrating, but trying to keep it low-key otherwise that becomes a trigger for anxiety. Ad infinitum....

[Taipan]

Not wishing to cast aspersions, but how well do you know her boyfriend? Confidence loss can be a sign of an abusive partner in some cases...

[Yorick]

Maybe book it for young Gremmers?

Certainly something we look into. Ta.

I'd much rather we sorted her issues at source, though. There's clearly something that's triggered it, as she used to be super confident. Now we're seeing avoidance tactics used to dodge discussions or us trying to help. Her first session with the hypnotherapy guy is tomorrow and we wanted to talk about it, reiterate the need to engage, etc. So last night, she stays around a friend, just to avoid talking about it. Frustrating, but trying to keep it low-key otherwise that becomes a trigger for anxiety. Ad infinitum....

I'd assumed that I'd never be cured so have lots of coping mechanisms and avoidance strategies.
My enduro pals are very supportive when we encounter difficult terrain that I can't ride across.

But only this morning Pen suggested hypnotherapy, and gonna look into that.

[gremlin]

Maybe book it for young Gremmers?

Certainly something we look into. Ta.

I'd much rather we sorted her issues at source, though. There's clearly something that's triggered it, as she used to be super confident. Now we're seeing avoidance tactics used to dodge discussions or us trying to help. Her first session with the hypnotherapy guy is tomorrow and we wanted to talk about it, reiterate the need to engage, etc. So last night, she stays around a friend, just to avoid talking about it. Frustrating, but trying to keep it low-key otherwise that becomes a trigger for anxiety. Ad infinitum....

I'd assumed that I'd never be cured so have lots of coping mechanisms and avoidance strategies.
My enduro pals are very supportive when we encounter difficult terrain that I can't ride across.

But only this morning Pen suggested hypnotherapy, and gonna look into that.

I'll let you know how it goes for Gremlinette. It worked for Mrs. G many years ago*, who suffered the same anxiety issues that the Gremlinette has now. Hard to believe that a woman who runs a very successful business now, wouldn't get on a 'plane and used to wake up in a panic, convinced she's left the delivery doors at her employers unit unlocked. We had to drive there at 3am, and of course they were locked. She wouldn't queue in a supermarket if somebody was behind her, as she felt 'trapped'. Motorways were a no-no too.
Of course, she's now having the guilt trip that somehow she's passed it down in her genes, which is complete bollocks, but kids do have a habit of messing parents up, big time.

*That, and being married to a super guy, such as me.

[Noggin]

Maybe book it for young Gremmers?

Certainly something we look into. Ta.

I'd much rather we sorted her issues at source, though. There's clearly something that's triggered it, as she used to be super confident. Now we're seeing avoidance tactics used to dodge discussions or us trying to help. Her first session with the hypnotherapy guy is tomorrow and we wanted to talk about it, reiterate the need to engage, etc. So last night, she stays around a friend, just to avoid talking about it. Frustrating, but trying to keep it low-key otherwise that becomes a trigger for anxiety. Ad infinitum....

I don't think it can always be sorted 'at source' until coping mechanisms are in place. Everyone is different though. But having coping mechanisms in place would be my first step and then work out the source (if there is one)


I have always been terrified of flying - can get myself on a plane and off, but the taking off and landing (and any turbulence in between) can reduce me to floods of tears in seconds. Once I'm off the bloody thing, I'm fine. It's very very weird. I've had so very many people explain to me how and why the bastard machines are safe (from flying info, accident stats and the physics of how they stay up there), but I have to gear myself up every single time. Doesn't help that I pretty much always fly alone, so no one to hold my hand