Jokes Thread

[Mr. Dazzle]

An arsehole will always try more than once

[KungFooBob]

Just for @Yorick

[Yorick]

Just for @Yorick

Ace

[Taipan]

https://www.ebay.co.uk/itm/262914784372 ... jWEALw_wcB

[Count Steer]

Posession, possession shows a lack of proof reading if you arkst me.

[Taipan]

[slowsider]

Greengrocer's greed result's in shortage of apostrophe's.

[Taipan]

[JackyJoll]

[Taipan]

[Demannu]

Just a little update on the situation with my son, because some of you have been pretty concerned. He’s took going to jail pretty hard, he’s refusing all food, he’s spitting and screaming at everyone and is threatening violence at anyone who comes near him. He’s smeared the walls with faeces and is refusing to wear clothes. As a family, we're pretty united in our decision not to play Monopoly with him anymore!!

[Taipan]

[Horse]

Life imitating art ....

www.newburytoday.co.uk/news/amp/watersh ... n-9162671/

IN a curious case of life imitating art, Sandleford Warren - the fictional target for redevelopment in Richard Adams' classic novel Watership Down - is subject to plans for 2000 homes on Sandleford Park.

Now local author Mr Adams (pictured), born in Wash Common, has warned West Berkshire Council he will do all he can to oppose the development and said he was appalled that the land at the south of Monks Lane had been offered up at all.

A part of literary history, the West Berkshire site features in the opening chapter of Mr Adams' book and is descibed as a serene and tranquil plot: “But a blackbird, singing undisturbed on the outskirts of the wood, showed that there was nothing alarming there, and in the other direction, along the brook, all was plain to be seen, empty and quiet. The warren was at peace.”

[The Martian]

I've just tried some of that new Adam Ant I've cream, don't know what the fuss is about, it's just standard vanilla.

[JackyJoll]

I've just tried some of that new Adam Ant I've cream, don't know what the fuss is about, it's just standard vanilla.

I’ve cream yeah brilliant.

[The Martian]

I've just tried some of that new Adam Ant I've cream, don't know what the fuss is about, it's just standard vanilla.

I’ve cream yeah brilliant.

Good old auto incorrect

[slowsider]

I went to the pet shop and the owner said he had a talking centipede for sale.
I said ‘no way, centipedes don’t talk.’ The owner promised me it was a talking centipede so I purchased it and took it home with me. A little later in that evening I went up to its tank and said ‘alright mate, I’m just popping down the pub if you fancy a few pints?’ The centipede said nothing, I scoffed and went to the pub. The next evening I thought I’d give it another try so I went to its tank again and said ‘alright mate, I’m just popping down the pub if you fancy a few pints?’ Still absolutely no response from the centipede, so I went on my way, cursing the pet shop owner. The following evening I thought I would give it one more try, so I went over to its tank and asked ‘alright mate, I’m just popping down the pub if you fancy a few pints?’ The centipede replied ‘I heard you the first time I’m just putting my fucking shoes on’

[Taipan]

[DW.]

....

[DW.]

Must be sexist joke day I reckon