Jokes Thread

[Horse]

[Taipan]

[Wreckless Rat]

That is the sad truth...

[JackyJoll]

[Taipan]

[Taipan]

[Taipan]

[Taipan]

[KungFooBob]

Not knowing enough about Greek mythology is my Achilles knee.

[Taipan]

Need advice, accidentally taken the cat's medication. Don't ask me how...

[Taipan]

I went to a pub yesterday evening and ordered a pint. As the landlord put my drink down, I asked him for the wifi code.
"Oh no" he said, "No wifi in here, people used to sit talking in pubs, about their day, their families, work, politics, music, LOCAL CRIME, the lot. Now people just stare at their phones and it breaks my heart to see. Therefore, no wifi in this pub."
"You know what?" I replied, "You're right" and I put my phone away.
"Thank you", the landlord said "In this pub I want you to act as you would twenty years ago".
So I lit a cigarette, gave him 50p for the pint and said "Two can play at that game mate."

[Wreckless Rat]

Bloody autocorrect..

I just texted my friend and asked if she wants to go for a wank down by the river.... How embarrassing








I meant seafront!

[wheelnut]

None of the Seven Dwarfs could water their garden ,

It was because of the high hose.

[Wreckless Rat]

The doctor said, 'Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration.
You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles.'
Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He had no choice but to go under the knife. When he left the hospital, he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life.
He saw a men's clothing store and thought, 'That's what I need... A new suit...'

He entered the shop and told the salesman, 'I'd like a new suit.'
The elderly tailor eye d him briefly and said, 'Let's see... Size 44 long.'
Joe laughed, 'That's right, how did you know?'
'Been in the business 60 years!' the tailor said.
Joe tried on the suit it fit perfectly.
As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, 'How about a new shirt?'
Joe thought for a moment and then said, 'Sure.'
The salesman eyed Joe and said, 'Let's see, 34 sleeves and 16-1/2 neck.'
Joe was surprised, 'That's right, how did you know?'
'Been in the business 60 years.'
Joe tried on the shirt and it fit perfectly.
Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, 'How about some new underwear?'
Joe thought for a moment and said, 'Sure.'
The salesman said, 'Let's see... Size 36.
Joe laughed, 'Ah ha! I got you! I've worn a size 34 since I was 18 years old.'
The salesman shook his head, 'You can't wear a size 34. A size 34 would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache.'

[Wreckless Rat]

I laid her on the grassy bank,
my hands were all a quiver,
Undid her suspender belt,
and her leg fell in the river.


Paul McCartney

[JackyJoll]

Not a joke, but...

[Wreckless Rat]

We wanted a new bathroom, and I really CBA with tiling and plumbing... so I went to the local bathroom place...

What’s the joke you cry!

They wanted...... £15-20k.. and if that wasn’t funny enough, 50% deposit NOW to book work in Feb, and then two weeks before they start, they want another 40%...

Best joke I have heard in months.

[IOU0]

RNLI turned up at Downing St.
They'd heard that people were out of their depth in the cabinet.

[Wreckless Rat]

A fire-fighter was working on the engine outside the Station when he noticed a little girl nearby in a little red wagon with, little ladders hung off the sides and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle. The girl was wearing a firefighter's helmet and the wagon was being pulled by her dog and her cat.

The firefighter walked over to take a closer look.

"That sure is a nice fire truck" the firefighter said with admiration.

"Thanks" the girl replied.

The firefighter looked a little closer.

The girl had tied the wagon to her dog's collar and to the cat's testicles, "I don't want to tell you how to run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope, around the cat's collar, I think you could go faster" the firefighter said

The little girl replied thoughtfully "You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a siren".

[The Martian]

Doctor has just told me the reason I'm ill is a magnesium deficiency.

0mg!