Jokes Thread

[Trinity765]

Due to the petrol crisis Chris Rea has started walking.

[Taipan]

[Taipan]

[Yorick]

Eh?

[JackyJoll]

[Yorick]

This isn't meant to be funny. But I howled when I think these stupid folk walk among us.

Just saw it on FB

Screenshot_20211008-201356_Facebook.jpg (248.29 KiB) Viewed 676 times

[JackyJoll]

Last I knew, UK cancer rates had been dropping for ten years.

[Skub]

[DW.]

I woke up this morning, got dressed and went in the kitchen where my wife was already fixing breakfast.
I looked to see what she was cooking, and I see one of my socks in the frying pan.
"What are you doing?" I asked her.
She said, "I'm doing what you asked me to do last night when you came to bed very drunk," she replied.
Completely puzzled, I walked away thinking to myself,
"I don't remember asking her to cook my sock..."

[DW.]

I gather you'll delete them if I go a bit too far off the rails Weeksy?
I'm gonna polute this thread like there's no tomorrow.

[Yorick]

Screenshot_20211009-152341_WhatsApp.jpg (215.33 KiB) Viewed 609 times

[weeksy]

I gather you'll delete them if I go a bit too far off the rails Weeksy?
I'm gonna polute this thread like there's no tomorrow.

I'll only step in if people report posts, it's very rare I moderate stuff.

However, it's not impossible

[JackyJoll]

Screenshot_20211009-152341_WhatsApp.jpg

[Trinity765]

That's cheap

[DW.]

About time...

[Taipan]

A man walked out to the street and caught a taxi just going by. He got into the taxi, and the cabbie said, "Perfect timing. You're just like Brian!"
Passenger: "Who?"
Cabbie: "Brian Sullivan. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happen like that to Brian Sullivan, every single time."
Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."
Cabbie: "Not Brian Sullivan. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy."
Passenger: "Sounds like he was something really special."
Cabbie: "There's more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Brian Sullivan, he could do everything right."
Passenger: "Wow. Some guy then."
Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Brian, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too. He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Brian Sullivan."
Passenger: "An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?"
Cabbie: "Well, I never actually met Brian. He died. I'm married to his fucking widow"!

[Taipan]

[KungFooBob]

[gremlin]

Just wrong. So wrong.

But brilliant.

[DW.]

Well, not banned yet. Working on it