Depression

[MyLittleStudPony]

Spare bedroom here Yorick, welcome any time if you just need a few days in a different place chatting about bikes and shit.

Here too.

Also a floor which I could do with a hand restoring.

[Yorick]

Just sat on front steps taking in the late sun.
Contemplating what happened.

It's Carnival weekend where the whole town parties. Pen and guests have gone but too soon for me.

A few things had been getting to me but managed to block them. But they were bubbling under the surface.
Summat bad happened to me and sent me into overdrive. Maybe the final straw? But was a BIG straw. Dragged me right back to my childhood when my dad beat me for what this same thing was.

Pen's done some research and adults really can be affected by what happened as kids.

Now we may know and it makes it easier to understand.

But fuck, was it scary stood on that cliff edge. I remember thinking that I'd wait till dark so I couldn't see over.

Think I'll be OK now.

Had amazing support from 2 of my old racing buddies who are still close to me.

And thanks for support on here

[Yorick]

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[Couchy]

Just sat on front steps taking in the late sun.
Contemplating what happened.

It's Carnival weekend where the whole town parties. Pen and guests have gone but too soon for me.

A few things had been getting to me but managed to block them. But they were bubbling under the surface.
Summat bad happened to me and sent me into overdrive. Maybe the final straw? But was a BIG straw. Dragged me right back to my childhood when my dad beat me for what this same thing was.

Pen's done some research and adults really can be affected by what happened as kids.

Now we may know and it makes it easier to understand.

But fuck, was it scary stood on that cliff edge. I remember thinking that I'd wait till dark so I couldn't see over.

Think I'll be OK now.

Had amazing support from 2 of my old racing buddies who are still close to me.

And thanks for support on here

Guess I may as well open up a bit here, because of my childhood and the following loss of Gribmany years later and again many more years on I’m sat with my marriage all but over. My home my family it’s all going to change. This is all from childhood. Im going through psychotherapy to try and change me and how I react but it’s not going to stop my loss. Twice in the past few weeks I’ve done what you have and stood where I shouldn’t be before calling someone and asking for help. Problem is blokes our age were bought up by people who didn’t know any better, then for years it’s bit been right to talk and it takes us time and bravery to open up. I want to help but all I can do at the moment is say I know what you’re going through. Damn I wanna Jump on a plane and come see you mate. Message me if you want, I’m little use but I have to offer as people have been so kind to me. I’ve no idea where I’m going or what’s gonna happen but I can reply to a message.

[Skub]

You're a good lad Couchy,We all are rooting for you to pull through and start a new chapter.

[the_priest]

@Yorick @Couchy Deep peace to you both in these dark times, may illumination come from unexpected places that restore your worth and dignity, your sense of hope and being rooted back into the place you are meant to be. May your hearts find peace and your loved ones the understanding to bear with your difficulties. If either of you need to PM me, please do feel free, I am not a counsellor, but I do listen and pray.

My darling daughter has been back to university this whole week, shattered by the experience, but looking at going again this week. We have decided to get a private ASD assessment done, bollocks to waiting 39 months for the NHS to even begin the process. It will be expensive, but it is after all, just money and we have it to hand, so no point being daft and waiting.

[MyLittleStudPony]

I'm really sorry to hear that Couchy. Take care and be kind to yourself.

[Buckaroo]

Just sat on front steps taking in the late sun.
Contemplating what happened.

It's Carnival weekend where the whole town parties. Pen and guests have gone but too soon for me.

A few things had been getting to me but managed to block them. But they were bubbling under the surface.
Summat bad happened to me and sent me into overdrive. Maybe the final straw? But was a BIG straw. Dragged me right back to my childhood when my dad beat me for what this same thing was.

Pen's done some research and adults really can be affected by what happened as kids.

Now we may know and it makes it easier to understand.

But fuck, was it scary stood on that cliff edge. I remember thinking that I'd wait till dark so I couldn't see over.

Think I'll be OK now.

Had amazing support from 2 of my old racing buddies who are still close to me.

And thanks for support on here

Guess I may as well open up a bit here, because of my childhood and the following loss of Gribmany years later and again many more years on I’m sat with my marriage all but over. My home my family it’s all going to change. This is all from childhood. Im going through psychotherapy to try and change me and how I react but it’s not going to stop my loss. Twice in the past few weeks I’ve done what you have and stood where I shouldn’t be before calling someone and asking for help. Problem is blokes our age were bought up by people who didn’t know any better, then for years it’s bit been right to talk and it takes us time and bravery to open up. I want to help but all I can do at the moment is say I know what you’re going through. Damn I wanna Jump on a plane and come see you mate. Message me if you want, I’m little use but I have to offer as people have been so kind to me. I’ve no idea where I’m going or what’s gonna happen but I can reply to a message.

Life's such a bastard at times. It never dishes up trouble in a way we can manage. Always giving it to you by the bucket load. I'm a sworn atheist but have to tell you that I found solice in the good book. Not the religious part, but the humanity and the perspective it puts on things. Just as with Yorick, I don't 'know' you but I am rooting for you and wish you well Couchy.

[Tricky]

Just sat on front steps taking in the late sun.
Contemplating what happened.

It's Carnival weekend where the whole town parties. Pen and guests have gone but too soon for me.

A few things had been getting to me but managed to block them. But they were bubbling under the surface.
Summat bad happened to me and sent me into overdrive. Maybe the final straw? But was a BIG straw. Dragged me right back to my childhood when my dad beat me for what this same thing was.

Pen's done some research and adults really can be affected by what happened as kids.

Now we may know and it makes it easier to understand.

But fuck, was it scary stood on that cliff edge. I remember thinking that I'd wait till dark so I couldn't see over.

Think I'll be OK now.

Had amazing support from 2 of my old racing buddies who are still close to me.

And thanks for support on here

Guess I may as well open up a bit here, because of my childhood and the following loss of Gribmany years later and again many more years on I’m sat with my marriage all but over. My home my family it’s all going to change. This is all from childhood. Im going through psychotherapy to try and change me and how I react but it’s not going to stop my loss. Twice in the past few weeks I’ve done what you have and stood where I shouldn’t be before calling someone and asking for help. Problem is blokes our age were bought up by people who didn’t know any better, then for years it’s bit been right to talk and it takes us time and bravery to open up. I want to help but all I can do at the moment is say I know what you’re going through. Damn I wanna Jump on a plane and come see you mate. Message me if you want, I’m little use but I have to offer as people have been so kind to me. I’ve no idea where I’m going or what’s gonna happen but I can reply to a message.

Aww no. I've just dipped into this thread again for the first time in a while, and reading that has made me sad for both of you, and your families.
Anyone who knows me IRL will know that I'm quite a private person and fall into the category of blokes our age who don't share stuff, and not sure I can be much help but just wanted you both to know that am routing for you both.
I consider myself very fortunate that when I found myself at the edge getting on for 20 years ago I had three young boys who depended on me for pretty much everything, and that kept me just about on the right side. I had a really tough few years with it but I made it through to be happier now than I've ever been or imagined I could be again, and it's my belief that it was them that got me to the other side - stick with it guys !

[Yorick]

I suffer from anxiety rather than depression. Doctors explained that I can feel symptoms of depression as they do overlap, but thankfully I don't suffer from it as well. Often feel in a black hole and can't get out. But only lasts a few hours.
I have coping measures to cope with other symptoms of anxiety.
When I'm down I think "I'd rather be a bit poorly here, rather than a bit poorly in Bradford ". Or just go sit in my mancave. Or just take the dog for a walk.
Try to concentrate on the positives.

When I see/hear folk saying "you need to do..." I think they're idiots. Nobody knows what's in your head.
Only way I help is by listening, sharing experiences and talking about coping mechanisms. Don't tell them they are doing it wrong.

Most mornings I walk along the seafront. It always lifts me up.
Today's walk was first for a few days

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[Docca]

Impulsive thoughts about ‘what if’ - edge of a cliff/jumping out of a moving car etc… in psycho babble are referred to as ‘intrusive thoughts’.

Can be once in a blue moon, can be daily. It’s symptomatic of anxiety disorders and there is correlation between severity of anxiety and levels of intrusive thinking.

You’d have seen the stereotypical OCD; if I don’t turn the kettle on 20 times, I’ll come to harm and so on.

The less obvious is often mistakenly associated with depression. You typically won’t act out on these thoughts, but that doesn’t make them any less comfortable. Plus, sometimes people jump.


Don’t jump though. That would suck. Get help and work on the root cause of the anxiety. Easier said than done, but making a start will help.

I wouldn’t recommend the NHS for anything but urgent MH care atm though-so if you can, go private or be prepared for a very long wait.

All the best

( really saddened to read your update, Couch)

[Screwdriver]

Does anyone have any direct experience of the latest antidepressants?

I think I am on a path leading nowhere and I strongly suspect this is the only course of action for me now.

I have resisted multiple offers from my GP, they really have no idea who I am. It is no longer a personal service either from the GP or the NHS.

Think it's time I gave these another try so I am genuinely looking for some empirical knowledge.

[Taipan]

I suffer from anxiety rather than depression. Doctors explained that I can feel symptoms of depression as they do overlap, but thankfully I don't suffer from it as well. Often feel in a black hole and can't get out. But only lasts a few hours.
I have coping measures to cope with other symptoms of anxiety.
When I'm down I think "I'd rather be a bit poorly here, rather than a bit poorly in Bradford ". Or just go sit in my mancave. Or just take the dog for a walk.
Try to concentrate on the positives.

When I see/hear folk saying "you need to do..." I think they're idiots. Nobody knows what's in your head.
Only way I help is by listening, sharing experiences and talking about coping mechanisms. Don't tell them they are doing it wrong.

Most mornings I walk along the seafront. It always lifts me up.
Today's walk was first for a few days

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Don't be too harsh mate. People are often well intentioned, but if they have no experience of your emotions, or mental health issues in general, they can only offer support in the way they think will help. As many have mentioned, a lot of grew up in an era where mental health care consisted off "pull yourself together" and "cheer up it may never happen"!

Both my kids suffer from anxiety and both have been medicated for it. My daughter has been able to deal with it better than my Son, as life has gone on, and is carving out a career for herself. But she works for senior people and often the pressure is on and she really battles her anxiety at times. If she is here working from home I can see the shakes gripping her at times.

My Son is the same but tends to get really moody when he is at his worse. He'll (verbally) lash out at us and we just have to suck it up and let him vent. DOesn't cure anything, but its just the way he goes with his anxiety. He was an outgoing, joking type of kid, life and soul of the party etc. Seeing him so withdrawn and drinking heavily on his own at weekends is not good.

I cant fix it for either of them. As a parent that makes me feel useless, a feeling I hate. Trying to talk to them can often bring about the wrong reaction, but if you don't acknowledge the situation, you feel like you're ignoring them and worry they feel like that. Its very difficult to gauge. This side of the coin isn't a good place to be either, but of course the lesser of the two evils.

[Potter]

Does anyone have any direct experience of the latest antidepressants?

Something was released last year on some sort of break through process (I was only casually reading about it in a journal) and the bit that caught my attention was a researcher saying that 2/3rds of traditional depression medication seems to have no (or little) effect and of those that do respond it takes many weeks - and by then they're not sure if it's the drug or something else that has changed - I also think the gist of the "We're not sure" was because often it's new patients, so saying what actually worked and what didn't is hard unless they've been part of proper clinical trials with loads of history.

Anyway, basically no one has a clue, but it might be better than the last stuff they handed out.
Wasn't it Churchill who said something like "This is our worst option, apart from all the stuff we've tried before..."

This won't be a popular view, but for temporary and occasional anxiety (the type where you're ready to burn the whole world down) then I think taking yourself off to the pub, having just the one (I do mean just one), then walking back slowly to reconsider, is the most effective thing ever.

[Couchy]

Does anyone have any direct experience of the latest antidepressants?

This won't be a popular view, but for temporary and occasional anxiety (the type where you're ready to burn the whole world down) then I think taking yourself off to the pub, having just the one (I do mean just one), then walking back slowly to reconsider, is the most effective thing ever.

Whilst I can totally agree with the taking yourself off to the pub or something along those lines in the moment the anxiety is taking over it's not that part of the brain that can make that decision that is in control. it's changing this behaviour that is the solution for me and even knowing that it's gonna take a lot of falls and getting up to get there

[Screwdriver]

I am not going to hijack this thread with a list of my own personal issues but I do not think it is "anxiety" in my case. It is much more likely to be a clinical depression with some sort of issue relating to a chemical imbalance or faulty mechanism.

When you look at the top five stress risers: employment, financial security, housing, relationship and health, I seem to score a zero on everything. If we were playing depression poker, I'd have a full house and TBH, I don't know how I go this far.

With me it is simply a complete lack of motivation. Nothing gives me any pleasure. I merely exist and my reward for battling through this interminable malaise is I get to go through it all over again tomorrow.

I had hoped that the extraordinary response to Methylprednisolone would lead to some sort of positive treatment but I am told, that drug is not a "treatment" per se. It was merely an intervention to try and stop further brain loss. The side effect of it was magical as I detail in some other post. I was happy, joyful, full of energy and the day simply wasn't long enough. Now I am back to square one being offered a lifetime on some MS drug administered by drip and all that can try and do is stop things getting worse.

So the upshot is this is as good as it gets and yet clearly it is not enough. I hope it is a chemical imbalance, lack of serotonin or dopamine (or both!) and that some antidepressant or other can make up for any deficiency without turning me into a fluffy bunny happy hippy. That's what happened last time I was on Prozac. It even felt "wrong" but I must admit, it was a "happy" time even if it made me dangerously carefree.

[weeksy]

I am not going to hijack this thread with a list of my own personal issues but I do not think it is "anxiety" in my case.

To a great extent that's why it's here fella.

I've not got involved in 99% of this as i like to let it run it's course, but i like to think i'm massively influential in Couchy still being with us, we spend a lot of time together and talk a lot on the phone too. Some of our discussions have opened my mind a fair bit into this stuff and i hope i'm a little bit more open minded than i previously have been about 'issues'.


So feel free to post your own stuff, right or wrong, better or worse, this is the place for you to say "I'm not OK..." and go from there.

We as a predominantly blokey forum, rarely talk about problems, issues and things that sometimes need to be talked about.. So if you want to, then go for it.

[Docca]

Does anyone have any direct experience of the latest antidepressants?

I think I am on a path leading nowhere and I strongly suspect this is the only course of action for me now.

I have resisted multiple offers from my GP, they really have no idea who I am. It is no longer a personal service either from the GP or the NHS.

Think it's time I gave these another try so I am genuinely looking for some empirical knowledge.

I think when I first starting posting on Visordown about antidepressant use, I was waving the 'they might only provide some benefit to 30% of the people, 20% of the time'.

Working through your 'path to nowhere' is the key bit. That's a process involving something called 'formulation' and it's more talking and discovering, then adapting- than it is papering over the cracks.


That said, if an antidepressant can help you- then it has the benefit of enabling that clarity of thinking and motivation to think more clearly (if that makes sense).

It's almost impossible to have a 1:1 personal relationship for MH in the NHS because we just don't have the staff, which starts at the front door (the GP). It's been a long time since I considered which antidepressant worked where, but from memory your GP will almost always reach for Citalopram first and advise IAPT services.

My take on that is a bit similar to my experience on having a car recovered from the roadside that quite clearly can't be fixed by the first chap that turns up in the van, instead needs the flatbed. You know that, they know that- but they have to go through process on the off chance. Citalopram is the noddy van, Mirtazepine (for example) would be the flat bed.


If anyone is feeling down/at their lowest ebb/feeling that they might do themselves harm, then there is a free SMS service: Give us a shout. Text: 85258 and someone (a real human) will keep checking in on you to see if you're ok.



For most of what i've read on this thread, I'd personally recommend psychology and not medicine as an investment to make. That will almost certainly mean going private if you want to be seen this side of your lifetime.

[Couchy]

I am not going to hijack this thread with a list of my own personal issues but I do not think it is "anxiety" in my case. It is much more likely to be a clinical depression with some sort of issue relating to a chemical imbalance or faulty mechanism.

When you look at the top five stress risers: employment, financial security, housing, relationship and health, I seem to score a zero on everything. If we were playing depression poker, I'd have a full house and TBH, I don't know how I go this far.

With me it is simply a complete lack of motivation. Nothing gives me any pleasure. I merely exist and my reward for battling through this interminable malaise is I get to go through it all over again tomorrow.

I had hoped that the extraordinary response to Methylprednisolone would lead to some sort of positive treatment but I am told, that drug is not a "treatment" per se. It was merely an intervention to try and stop further brain loss. The side effect of it was magical as I detail in some other post. I was happy, joyful, full of energy and the day simply wasn't long enough. Now I am back to square one being offered a lifetime on some MS drug administered by drip and all that can try and do is stop things getting worse.

So the upshot is this is as good as it gets and yet clearly it is not enough. I hope it is a chemical imbalance, lack of serotonin or dopamine (or both!) and that some antidepressant or other can make up for any deficiency without turning me into a fluffy bunny happy hippy. That's what happened last time I was on Prozac. It even felt "wrong" but I must admit, it was a "happy" time even if it made me dangerously carefree.

Keep posting mate, it's threads like this that help old men like us as we don't talk enough. I've had to learn to talk and still don't as much as I should but I have got help that is working for me. I know all too well someone telling you to do something doesn't always mean you'll listen but today I'm on a level so I'll keep saying it. Chase your GP a bit more, escalate it if needed as they only deal with those that shout the loudest. If needed go and camp on their doorstep and don't move till they help you. The system is fucked and it takes an extreme approach to get through.
But keep doing something, message, post, cry for help, text, call, anything.

[Potter]

Whilst I can totally agree with the taking yourself off to the pub or something along those lines in the moment the anxiety is taking over it's not that part of the brain that can make that decision that is in control. it's changing this behaviour that is the solution for me and even knowing that it's gonna take a lot of falls and getting up to get there

Yeah I know, it's like having hypothermia, you're the last person to realise it's happening to you and that's why hypothermia kills people and anxiety makes people do crazy stuff.

IME any sort of disruption or even distraction tends to work and when you're aware that you're being irrational then it's easier to pull back from it.
It's just that 9 times out of 10 you don't know it's happening until it's happened and then it's too late.

I don't have a cure and any sort of anecdote around it will just make me sound like a psychopath, fortunately I don't hit my wife and kids and I'm professional at work, but in other circumstances I've been a right handful because of it, even just being in a room full of people who are being a bit rowdy or loud is enough. Pressure at work doesn't do it, I can usually brush that off, but worry about the kids or home or anything that really means anything to me can have me on a razors edge.

Try and find something, anything, to disrupt your thought process, when I was younger I found that going to boxing three or four nights a week was enough to burn off the nervous energy, these days running really helps. Some of the treatment suggestions for PTSD can work. My missus has also got quite good at pointing out (in a more sensitive way) when she thinks I'm on the edge.