Jokes Thread

[ZRX61]

A math professor, Dave, has a problem with his sink, so he calls a plumber...

The plumber comes over and quickly fixes the sink.

The professor is happy until he gets the bill. He tells the plumber, "How can you charge this much? This is half of my paycheck." But he pays it anyway.

The plumber tells him, "Hey, we are looking for more plumbers. You could become a plumber and triple your salary. Just make sure you say you only made it to 6th grade; they don't like educated people."

The professor takes him up on the offer and becomes a plumber. His salary triples, and he doesn't have to work nearly as hard. But the company makes an announcement that all of their plumbers must get a 7th-grade education. So they all go to night school.

On the first day of night school, they all attend math class. The teacher wants to gauge the class, so he asks Dave, "What is the formula for the area of a circle?"

Dave walks up to the board and is about to write the formula when he realises he has forgotten it.

So he begins to attempt to derive the formula, filling the board with complicated mathematics.

He ends up figuring out it is negative pi times radius squared. He thinks the minus doesn't belong, so he starts over, but again he comes up with the same equation.

After staring at the board for a minute, he looks out at the other plumbers and sees that they are all whispering,

"Switch the limits on the integral!"

[Taipan]

[Taipan]

[KungFooBob]

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[Yorick]

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[Horse]

Sadly, this was probably incompetence rather than a joke.

.

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[Taipan]

[ZRX61]

A man with a completely bald head and only one leg is invited to a Fancy Dress Party.
He doesn't know what to wear to hide his head and his wooden leg, so he writes to a fancy dress company to explain his problem.
A few days later he receives a parcel with a note:
Dear Sir
Please find enclosed a Pirate's outfit. The spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head and with your wooden leg you will look just right as a Pirate.

The man is offended that the outfit emphasizes his disability, so he writes a letter of complaint.
A week passes and he receives another parcel and note.

Dear Sir
Sorry about the previous parcel. Please find enclosed a Monk's habit. The long robe will cover your wooden leg and with your bald head you will really look the part.

The man is really incandescent with rage now, because the company has gone from emphasising his wooden leg to drawing attention to his bald head.

So he writes a really strong letter of complaint. A few days later he gets a very small parcel from the company with an accompanying letter:

Dear Sir

Please find enclosed a tin of Golden Syrup. We suggest you pour the tin of Golden syrup over your bald head, let it harden! then stick your wooden leg up your arse and go as a toffee apple.

[Taipan]

My mate says he threw a stick 10 miles, and the dog still brought it back. I thought.. "That's a bit far- fetched."

[Taipan]

Ba dom tsh!

[Horse]

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[Taipan]

[Taipan]

Let my dog Jack out to do a poo before bed last night, but it was so dark I couldn't see Jack shit!

[Yorick]

Let my dog Jack out to do a poo before bed last night, but it was so dark I couldn't see Jack shit!

Stop !!!!

[Yorick]

My missus asked for peace and quiet while she cooked the dinner....

so I took the battery out of the smoke alarm!!!

[Yorick]

I was abducted by aliens. They made me wash my hands, clean my room, and eat my vegetables.​~

Turns out I was on the Mothership.

[Yorick]

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[Taipan]