Jokes Thread

[Dodgy69]

[Saga Lout]

But why did you cross the road?

[Taipan]

[Taipan]

[Saga Lout]

Getting dangerously close to discussing politics, Taipan.

Mind you, I agree with the sentiment, but that's not the point.

[Felix]

716530871_1573293071021567_8705970577108370188_n.jpg (122.61 KiB) Viewed 849 times

[ZRX61]

Fred had been suffering from terrible headaches for over twenty years. Finally, he went to see a specialist. After a long examination, the doctor said:

“Fred, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is… it will require castration. You have a rare condition where your testicles press against your spine, causing severe headaches. Removing them is the only way to relieve the pressure.”

Fred was stunned and devastated, but after years of pain, he agreed to the surgery.

When he left the hospital, he felt strange and incomplete — but for the first time in decades, he had no headache. As he walked down the street, he decided he needed a fresh start. A new life. Maybe even a new wardrobe.

He passed a men’s clothing store and thought, Why not?

He walked in and told the salesman, “I’d like a new suit.”

The elderly tailor looked him over and said, “You’re a size 44 long.”

Fred laughed. “That’s right. How did you know?”

“Been in the business sixty years,” the tailor said.

Fred tried on the suit — it fit perfectly.

“How about a shirt?” the tailor asked.

Fred nodded, and the tailor studied him again. “34 sleeve, 16½ neck.”

“Amazing,” Fred said. “Exactly right.”

“Been in the business sixty years,” the tailor replied.

After trying on the perfect shirt, Fred walked around the store feeling better already. Then the tailor asked, “How about some new underwear?”

“Sure,” Fred said.

The tailor looked him over and said, “Size 36.”

Fred laughed loudly. “Got you there! I’ve worn size 34 since I was eighteen.”

The tailor shook his head and said:

“You can’t wear size 34. Size 34 would press your testicles right up against the base of your spine… and give you one terrible headache.”

[Felix]

I came home pissed last night, when I opened the door, my wife was standing there with a broom in her hand looking very menacing.

I said, “Hello love, are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?”

My head is still throbbing

[Taipan]

99 in a 50! Just not on!



roll a die with one click

[ZRX61]

A couple had been married for 60 years and had no secrets except one: In her closet woman kept
a shoe box she forbade
her husband to ever open.

But when she was on her deathbed - and with her blessing - he opened the box and found a crocheted doll and $95,000 in cash. "Darling, what is this?" he exclaimed.

“My mother told me that the secret to a happy marriage was to never argue,” she explained. “She told me to keep quiet and crochet a doll whenever I got angry.”

Her husband was touched. Only one doll was in the box so she’d been angry with him only once in 60 years.

“But what about all this money?” he asked.

“Oh,” she said, “that’s the money I made from selling the dolls.”

[Taipan]

Sometimes its funny.

[ZRX61]

I came home pissed last night, when I opened the door, my wife was standing there with a broom in her hand looking very menacing.

I said, “Hello love, are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?”

My head is still throbbing

My mum kept one of those old hazel brooms by the door to the basement. Meter reader came by one day & said "I haven't seen one of those in years, do you use it much?"
Mum (in her late 70's at the time): "Not since I got the car"

Could hear him still laughing when he was at the neighbors place

[Taipan]

Oh my days!

[Taipan]

[Taipan]

[Noggin]

Oh my days!

I so expected the third one to be Geldings

[Yorick]

Oh my days!

I so expected the third one to be Geldings

Not like you to be funny

[Taipan]

[Taipan]

If I was the Prime Minister, I would replace Border Control with Doctors receptionists! Let's see who's getting in then!

[ZRX61]

Not one member of Metallica ever appeared on Sesame Street. Master of Puppets my ass.