Jokes Thread

[Pirahna]

[Felix]

I joined the Tesco dating app. Now i have a bag for life

[Trinity765]

I want to set up a business in Torquay doing walking tours where people talk to each other using portable radios, but I can't think of a good name.

[David]

Torquay talky.

Your welcome, just 15% of the take. I thank you.

[KungFooBob]

Torquay talky.

Your welcome, just 15% of the take. I thank you.

Not Walky Torquay?

[Yorick]

A flat-chested young lady goes to Dr. Smith for advice about enlarging her
breasts. He tells her, "Every day when you get out of the shower, rub the
tip of your breasts and say, "Scooby dooby doobies. I want bigger boobies."

She did this every day faithfully and after several months, it worked!
She grew great boobs!

One morning she was running late and she was on the bus when she realized
she had forgotten her morning ritual. At this point she loved her new
boobs and didn't want to lose them, so right in the middle of the
bus--"Scooby dooby doobies. I want bigger boobies."

A guy sitting nearby asked her, "Do you go to Dr. Smith by any chance?"

"Why, yes, I do. How did you know?"

He said "Hickory dickory dock."

[Docca]

Don’t scream if you’re being raped by a traveller- it will only make them go faster

[Docca]

Outside the local

[Felix]

Me and my flat chested wife visited a marriage guidance counsellor recently. The counsellor asked us "What seems to be the problem" "Well, Dolly Parton here thinks I'm too sarcastic."

[Taipan]

[Taipan]

[Taipan]

Nobody wants to listen to Whitesnake with me.
So here I go again on my own...

[Count Steer]

bears.jpg (1.48 MiB) Viewed 422 times

Well, it made me laugh.

(From the current Private Eye - the cover of which is spot on re presidential visits..so buy a copy. ).

[Docca]

I used to think I had a Japanese friend, but it was just my imagine asian

[Saga Lout]

I walked into the pub. The woman sitting at the bar looked at me. I said "Did you give me a funny look?"
She said "You've got a funny look, but I didn't give it to you."

[Taipan]

[Docca]

[Saga Lout]

Werner Heisenberg was driving one day when he was stopped by the police. "Do you know how fast you were going?" asked the cop. "No, but I know exactly where I am" he replied.

Or

The cop said "I stopped you because you were doing 50 in a 40" and Heisenberg said "Great, now we're lost!"

[Horse]

Werner Heisenberg was driving one day when he was stopped by the police. "Do you know how fast you were going?" asked the cop. "No, but I know exactly where I am" he replied.

Or

The cop said "I stopped you because you were doing 50 in a 40" and Heisenberg said "Great, now we're lost!"

Not a joke, but bike-related.

Motorcycling with Heinrich and Schrodinger

It's a little-known fact* that both Heinrich and Schrodinger were enthusiastic motorcyclists, and were very keen to pass on their skills and knowledge to newer riders, particularly for cornering.

However, they both had different views on how to manage risk (or, perhaps, 'uncertainty').

Heinrich used his well-known triangle method and was keen on counting; once he'd counted enough instances of concern, he would compile the data then evaluate what was happening, undertake a thorough review, then prepare and implement an alternative riding strategy. There was a slight flaw here, though, in that being able to undertake that evaluation and review required that he must survive the incident.

Schrodinger wasn't so sure about that method. He thought that you couldn't really know for sure what was in wait for you around the next corner - and by the time you got there it might be too late to do anything about it. Also, he knew the likely scenarios he might face and what actions he might have to take as a result and he knew that he didn't know which corner would be a clear, well-surfaced, sweeping bend - and which would have gravel, potholes, adverse camber and an oncoming vehicle cutting across the centre line. That could all be around the first bend, or not there at all. If he didn't deal with it well, his first bend might be his last . . .

So Schrodinger mentally prepared himself for the worst-case scenario on the approach to every bend. He looked for 'warning signs' - literally, as in signs installed at the roadside, also hints or clues he could spot that might suggest a problem ahead. If there was no trouble waiting for him, he rode away happy, if there was a problem then he was able to deal with it. He dealt with the uncertainty as the situations developed.

That's how risk assessment works, you look ahead, make predictions, prepare plans to cope with eventualities, to deal with uncertainty. You may be able to eliminate some risks and put mitigations in place for others - but having made a few notes on a risk assessment doesn't mean that any uncertainty will go away.

I tried to think of a punchline for "Heinrich, Schrodinger and Heisenberg walked into a pub” . . . but I wasn't certain that I could. Any ideas?

* Einstein once said: Never believe everything that you read on the internet**

** Unless it's on Facebook and to do with fluffy kittens***

*** Oddly, Schrodinger didn't get many 'likes' for his cat videos

[Saga Lout]

...

Einstein once said: Never believe everything that you read on the internet

...

Misattributed. That wasn't Einstein, it was Abraham Lincoln.

Anyway. That woman at the bar...

She was wearing really, really tight trousers. I said "How on earth do you get into those?"

She said "A double gin and tonic would be a start."