Jokes Thread
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Taipan
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Re: Jokes Thread
I don't often offer life coaching advice, but this may help some of you. Next time you're feeling down, think about perspective. I have a friend who has sex 3-5 times a week. He exercises twice a day every day. He reads 2 books a week. Yet every day he complains about life in prison...
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Noggin
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Re: Jokes Thread
Life is for living. Buy the shoes. Eat the cake. Ride the bikes. Just, ride the bikes!! 
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Taipan
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Taipan
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Taipan
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Felix
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Mr. Dazzle
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Re: Jokes Thread
I've invented an air freshener which is activated by mind control.
People say it's a silly invention, but it makes scents when you think about it.
People say it's a silly invention, but it makes scents when you think about it.
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KungFooBob
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Re: Jokes Thread
I had a lovely Chinese takeaway last night. Cost of the chinese £28, cost of petrol to collect it £2. Getting home and finding that my order is incomplete...
Riceless
Riceless
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Potter
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Count Steer
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Re: Jokes Thread
What the blurb on book covers means:
+ 'Funny and tender*', Stephen Fry = 'Involves the hat'.
* See Patrick Gale's 'Take Nothing With You' (which is rather good aksherly).
+ 'Funny and tender*', Stephen Fry = 'Involves the hat'.
* See Patrick Gale's 'Take Nothing With You' (which is rather good aksherly).
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Taipan
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gremlin
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Re: Jokes Thread
I've just spent £80,000 on a stretch limo only to find out it doesn't come with a driver.
I can't believe I've spent all that money and have nothing to chauffeur it.
I can't believe I've spent all that money and have nothing to chauffeur it.
All aboard the Peckham Pigeon! All aboard!
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Yorick
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KungFooBob
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Re: Jokes Thread
Genuine lol at this one...
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Horse
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Sadlonelygit
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Taipan
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Horse
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KungFooBob
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Re: Jokes Thread
Well, I thought it was funny.
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Count Steer
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Re: Jokes Thread
May have been posted before (I've seen it before but can't remember where) but anyway...
A car is pulled over for speeding...
Driver: Is there a problem, Officer?
Traffic Officer: Yes ma'am, I'm afraid you were speeding.
Driver: Oh, I see.
Traffic Officer: Can I see your license please?
Driver: Well, I would give it to you but I don't have one.
Traffic Officer: Don't have one?
Driver: No, I lost it 4 years ago for drunk driving.
Traffic Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.
Driver: I can't do that.
Traffic Officer: Why not?
Driver: I stole this car.
Traffic Officer: Stole it?
Driver: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.
Traffic Officer: You what!?
Driver: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see.
The Traffic Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car, calling for back up. Within minutes, 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car.
Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please!
The lady steps out of her vehicle.
Driver: Is there a problem sir?
Officer 2: My colleague here tells me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.
Driver: Murdered the owner? Are you serious?!
Officer 2: Yes, could you open the boot of your car, please.
The lady opens the boot, revealing nothing but an empty boot.
Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?
Driver: Yes, here are the registration papers.
The traffic officer is quite stunned.
Officer 2: My colleague claims that you do not have a driving license.
The lady digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer.
The officer examines the license quizzically.
Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, but I am puzzled, as I was told by my officer here that you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner!
Driver: I Bet the lying bugger told you I was speeding, too!
A car is pulled over for speeding...
Driver: Is there a problem, Officer?
Traffic Officer: Yes ma'am, I'm afraid you were speeding.
Driver: Oh, I see.
Traffic Officer: Can I see your license please?
Driver: Well, I would give it to you but I don't have one.
Traffic Officer: Don't have one?
Driver: No, I lost it 4 years ago for drunk driving.
Traffic Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.
Driver: I can't do that.
Traffic Officer: Why not?
Driver: I stole this car.
Traffic Officer: Stole it?
Driver: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.
Traffic Officer: You what!?
Driver: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see.
The Traffic Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car, calling for back up. Within minutes, 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car.
Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please!
The lady steps out of her vehicle.
Driver: Is there a problem sir?
Officer 2: My colleague here tells me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.
Driver: Murdered the owner? Are you serious?!
Officer 2: Yes, could you open the boot of your car, please.
The lady opens the boot, revealing nothing but an empty boot.
Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?
Driver: Yes, here are the registration papers.
The traffic officer is quite stunned.
Officer 2: My colleague claims that you do not have a driving license.
The lady digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer.
The officer examines the license quizzically.
Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, but I am puzzled, as I was told by my officer here that you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner!
Driver: I Bet the lying bugger told you I was speeding, too!