Jokes Thread

[KungFooBob]

An American on vacation was inside a church in Oldham, Lancashire, taking photos when he noticed a golden telephone mounted on the wall with a sign that read '£10,000 per call'.

The American, asked the priest what the telephone was used for. The priest replied that it was a direct line to heaven and that for £10,000 you could talk to God.

Next stop was in Manchester... There, at a very large cathedral, he saw the same golden telephone with the same sign under it. He wondered if this was the same kind of telephone he saw in Oldham and he asked a nearby nun. She told him that it was a direct line to heaven and that for £10,000 he could talk to God.

'O.K., thank you,' said the American.
He then travelled to Wigan, Bolton, Blackburn, Burnley & Rochdale. In every church he saw the same golden telephone with the same '£10,000 per call' sign under it.

The American, decided to travel to Yorkshire to see if Yorkshiremen had the same phone.
He arrived in Barnsley, and again, in the first church he entered, there was the same golden telephone, but this time the sign under it read '50 pence per call.'

The American was surprised so he asked the priest about the sign. 'Father, I've travelled all over Lancashire and I've seen this same golden telephone in many churches. I'm told that it is a direct line to heaven, but in Lancashire the price was £10,000 per call. Why is it so cheap here?'
The priest smiled and answered, 'tha' in Yorkshire now, lad. It's only a local call.

[westers151]

100 years ago everyone owned a horse and only the rich had cars. Today everyone has cars and only the rich own horses.

My how the stables have turned.

[Taipan]

Due to the awful weather conditions, I’ve just visited my 80 year old neighbour to ask if she needed anything from the shops...
Turns out she did, so I’ve given her my list too.. No point in both of us walking out on the icy pavements....

[Taipan]

Can anyone recommend a better way of clearing a windscreen?
I used my discount card but could only get 20% off.

[KungFooBob]

I recently managed to get along to Frank Sinatra's Bird Sanctuary. A lot of my favourite birds were absent. No flamingos, no storks, no toucans nor emus!

Egrets?

He had a few.

[Ant]

Democrat politicians are spending the holidays at home because their customary vacation island was closed when the owner died in prison a few years ago.

[weeksy]

Democrat politicians are spending the holidays at home because their customary vacation island was closed when the owner died in prison a few years ago.

You know it's only funny if people get it ?

[Taipan]

[Felix]

[westers151]

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[westers151]

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[636mick]

Prosthetic leg for sale on Facebook, makes a great stocking filler.

I dated a one legged girl who works in a brewery, she looks after hops.

Saw a one legged man at the ATM today.. he was checking his balance.

These are from my bro in law who only has one leg!!

Have a great night, santas on his way

Mick

[MrLongbeard]

[demographic]

Worth a watch and shows just what a standup guy Joseph must have been...

[Yorick]

Worth a watch and shows just wbat a standup guy Joseph must have been...

I watched that last night on YouTube

[westers151]

[Taipan]

[ZRX61]

Probably posted before...

One day a man decided to retire...
He booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and
proceeded to have the time of his life, that is, until the ship sank.
He soon found himself on an island with no other
people, no supplies, nothing, only bananas and coconuts.
After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to the shore.
In disbelief, he asks, "Where did you come from? How did you get here?"
She replies, "I rowed over from the other side of the island where I landed when my fishing boat sank." "Amazing," he notes. "You were really lucky to have a row boat wash up with you."
"Oh, this ole thing?" explains the woman. " I made the boat out of some raw material I found on the island. The oars were whittled from gum tree branches. I wove the bottom from palm tree branches, and the sides and stern came from an Eucalyptus tree."
"But, where did you get the tools?"
"Oh, that was no problem," replied the
woman. " On the south side of the island, a very
unusual stratum of alluvial rock is exposed. I found that if I fired it to a certain temperature in a volcanic vent I found just down island, it melted into ductile iron and I used that to make tools and used the tools to make the hardware."
The guy is stunned.
"Let's row over to my place," she says "and I'll give you a tour." So, after a short time of rowing, she soon docks the boat at a small hand built wharf. As the man looks to shore, he nearly falls off the boat. Before him is a long stone walk leading to a cabin and tree house.
While the woman ties up the rowboat with an
expertly woven hemp rope, the man can only stare ahead, dumb struck. As they walk into the house, she says casually, It's not much, but I call it home.
Please sit down." "Would you like a drink?"
"No! No thank you," the man blurts out, still dazed. "I can't take another drop of coconut juice."
"Oh, it's not coconut juice," winks the woman. "I have a still. How would you like a Jack Daniels neat?" Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepts, and they sit down on her couch to talk. After they exchange their individual survival stories, the woman announces, "I'm going to slip into something more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave? There's a razor in the bathroom cabinet upstairs."
No longer questioning anything, the man goes
upstairs into the bathroom. There, in the cabinet is a razor made from a piece of tortoise bone. Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge are fastened on to its end inside a swivel mechanism.
"This woman is amazing," he muses. "What's next?"
When he returns, she greets him wearing nothing but a bandana around her blonde locks and some small flowers on tiny vines, each strategically positioned. She smelled faintly of coconut oil. She then beckons for him to sit down next to her.
"Tell me," she begins suggestively, slithering
closer to him, "We've both been out here for many
months. You must have been lonely. When was the last time you had a really good ride?"
She stares into his eyes.
He can't believe what he's hearing.
"You mean..." he swallows excitedly as tears start to form in his eyes,
"You've built a Motorcycle?”

[Taipan]

[westers151]

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