Jokes Thread

[Taipan]

Attention all dog owners . Today is the last day of May and certain breeds of black & white dogs must be kept indoors as it’s a ban collie day

[Horse]

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[Taipan]

[Horse]

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[Taipan]

[Taipan]

[Taipan]

[Horse]

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[Trinity765]

[KungFooBob]

[Horse]

Finger tight? You'll need these.

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[slowsider]

That's unnerving

[Noggin]

 YOU MAY HAVE SEEN THIS BEFORE...BUT STILL GOOD FOR A LAUGH...



The ‘Middle Wife' by an Anonymous 2nd Grade Teacher


I've been teaching now for about fifteen years. I have two kids myself, but the best birth story I know is the one I saw in my own second grade
classroom a few years back.


When I was a kid, I loved show-and-tell.. So I always have a few sessions with my students. It helps them get over shyness and usually, show-and-tell is pretty tame. 


Kids bring in pet turtles, model airplanes, pictures of fish they catch, stuff like that. And I never, ever place any boundaries or
limitations on them. If they want to lug it in to school and talk about it,
they're welcome.


Well, one day this little girl, Erica, a very bright, very outgoing kid,
takes her turn and waddles up to the front of the class with a pillow
stuffed under her sweater.


She holds up a snapshot of an infant. 'This is Luke, my baby brother, and. I'm going to tell you about his birthday.'


'First, Mom and Dad made him as a symbol of their love, and then Dad put a seed in my Mom's stomach, and Luke grew in there. He ate for nine months through an umbrella cord.'


She's standing there with her hands on the pillow, and I'm trying not to
laugh and wishing I had my camcorder with me. The kids are watching her in amazement.


'Then, about two Saturdays ago, my Mom starts going, 'Oh, Oh, Oh, Oh!'
Erica puts a hand behind her back and groans. 'She walked around the house for, like an hour, 'Oh, oh, oh!' (Now this kid is doing a hysterical duck walk and groaning.)


'My Dad called the middle wife. She delivers babies, but she doesn't have sign on the car like the Domino's man. They got my Mom to lie down in bed like this.' (Then Erica lies down with her back against the wall.)


'And then, pop! My Mom had this bag of water she kept in there in case he got thirsty, and it just blew up and spilled all over the bed, like
psshhheew!' (This kid has her legs spread with her little hands miming
water flowing away. It was too much!)


'Then the middle wife starts saying 'push, push,' and 'breathe, breathe.
They started counting, but never even got past ten. Then, all of a sudden, out comes my brother. He was covered in yucky stuff that they all said it was from Mom's play-center, so there must be a lot of toys inside there.


When he got out, the middle wife spanked him for crawling up in there in the first place.'


Then Erica stood up, took a big theatrical bow and returned to her seat.


I'm sure I applauded the loudest. 


Ever since then, when it's Show-and-tell day, I bring my camcorder, just in case another 'Middle Wife' comes along.

[Horse]

Friday night down the town.

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PS after having a close look, and if you're bored, translate the Latin.

[Taipan]

[KungFooBob]

[Trinity765]

[Taipan]

Rock star childhood pics...

[ZRX61]

A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen. 'Careful,' he said, 'CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my gosh! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my gosh! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful. CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the! Salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!' The wife stared at him. 'What in the world is wrong with you?You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?' The husband calmly replied, 'I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving.'

[Yorick]

Pass the Bumming 'at...

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