- Screenshot 2021-05-16 at 19.43.23.png (643.04 KiB) Viewed 1098 times
Jokes Thread
- Taipan
- Posts: 13255
- Joined: Sat Mar 14, 2020 1:48 pm
- Location: Essex Riviera!
- Has thanked: 15604 times
- Been thanked: 9848 times
-
- Posts: 3664
- Joined: Sun May 03, 2020 10:11 pm
- Has thanked: 264 times
- Been thanked: 1242 times
- MingtheMerciless
- Posts: 3461
- Joined: Wed Mar 18, 2020 7:42 am
- Location: Scarfolk on Sea
- Has thanked: 2914 times
- Been thanked: 1846 times
Re: Jokes Thread
"Of all the stories you told me, which ones were true and which ones weren't?"
"My dear Doctor, they're all true."
"Even the lies?"
"Especially the lies."
"My dear Doctor, they're all true."
"Even the lies?"
"Especially the lies."
- Horse
- Posts: 11211
- Joined: Sun Mar 15, 2020 11:30 am
- Location: Always sunny southern England
- Has thanked: 5944 times
- Been thanked: 4926 times
- Trinity765
- Posts: 2281
- Joined: Fri Nov 06, 2020 2:27 pm
- Location: Brighton
- Has thanked: 2420 times
- Been thanked: 2318 times
Re: Jokes Thread
These are some real names that I have come across: Paul Dechaney, Fanny Chew, Mari Time, Ramon Mycock, Baby Yoda.
Lockdown refugee
- Taipan
- Posts: 13255
- Joined: Sat Mar 14, 2020 1:48 pm
- Location: Essex Riviera!
- Has thanked: 15604 times
- Been thanked: 9848 times
Re: Jokes Thread
We used to have a customer called Richard Soles. I'll let you work out his signature!
-
- Posts: 3189
- Joined: Mon Mar 16, 2020 3:45 pm
- Location: RoI
- Has thanked: 1304 times
- Been thanked: 1188 times
- Taipan
- Posts: 13255
- Joined: Sat Mar 14, 2020 1:48 pm
- Location: Essex Riviera!
- Has thanked: 15604 times
- Been thanked: 9848 times
Re: Jokes Thread
The cause of the Dartford Crossing closure last Tuesday, and the reason the speed limit has now been reduced to 20mph:-
The Highways Agency found over 200 dead crows on the Crossing approach recently, and there was concern that they may have died from Avian Flu. A Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and, to everyone's relief, confirmed the problem was NOT Avian Flu. The cause of death appeared to be from vehicular impacts. However, during analysis it was noted that varying colours of paints appeared on the bird's beaks and claws. By analysing these paint residues it was found that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with lorrys, whilst only 2% were killed by cars.
The Agency then hired an Ornithological Behaviourist to determine if there was a cause for the disproportionate percentages of truck kills versus car kills. The Ornithological Behaviourist quickly concluded that when crows eat road kill, they always have a look-out crow to warn of danger. They discovered that while all the lookout crows could shout "Cah", not a single one could shout "Lorry"....
The Highways Agency found over 200 dead crows on the Crossing approach recently, and there was concern that they may have died from Avian Flu. A Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and, to everyone's relief, confirmed the problem was NOT Avian Flu. The cause of death appeared to be from vehicular impacts. However, during analysis it was noted that varying colours of paints appeared on the bird's beaks and claws. By analysing these paint residues it was found that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with lorrys, whilst only 2% were killed by cars.
The Agency then hired an Ornithological Behaviourist to determine if there was a cause for the disproportionate percentages of truck kills versus car kills. The Ornithological Behaviourist quickly concluded that when crows eat road kill, they always have a look-out crow to warn of danger. They discovered that while all the lookout crows could shout "Cah", not a single one could shout "Lorry"....
- Taipan
- Posts: 13255
- Joined: Sat Mar 14, 2020 1:48 pm
- Location: Essex Riviera!
- Has thanked: 15604 times
- Been thanked: 9848 times
- ZRX61
- Posts: 4848
- Joined: Tue Mar 17, 2020 4:05 pm
- Location: Solar Blight Valley
- Has thanked: 1446 times
- Been thanked: 1331 times
Re: Jokes Thread
A very successful attorney parked his brand new Porsche 911 Turbo in front of his office, ready to show it off to his colleagues.
As he was getting out, a truck came barreling down the road, drifted left and completely tore off the driver's door. Fortunately, a cop was close enough to see the accident and pulled up behind the now door-less Porsche with his lights flashing.
Before the cop had a chance to ask any questions, the attorney started screaming hysterically about how his precious Porsche, which he had just purchased the day before, was completely ruined and no matter how any car body shop tried to make it new again, would never be the same.
After the lawyer finally wound down from his rant, the cop shook his head in disbelief.
"I can't believe how materialistic you lawyers are," he said, "You are so focused on your possessions that you neglect the most important things in life."
"How can you say such a thing?" asked the lawyer.
The cop replied, "Don't you even realize that your left arm is missing? It was severed when the truck hit you!"
"OHH, MY GOD!" screamed the lawyer. . . "My Rolex!"
As he was getting out, a truck came barreling down the road, drifted left and completely tore off the driver's door. Fortunately, a cop was close enough to see the accident and pulled up behind the now door-less Porsche with his lights flashing.
Before the cop had a chance to ask any questions, the attorney started screaming hysterically about how his precious Porsche, which he had just purchased the day before, was completely ruined and no matter how any car body shop tried to make it new again, would never be the same.
After the lawyer finally wound down from his rant, the cop shook his head in disbelief.
"I can't believe how materialistic you lawyers are," he said, "You are so focused on your possessions that you neglect the most important things in life."
"How can you say such a thing?" asked the lawyer.
The cop replied, "Don't you even realize that your left arm is missing? It was severed when the truck hit you!"
"OHH, MY GOD!" screamed the lawyer. . . "My Rolex!"
- ZRX61
- Posts: 4848
- Joined: Tue Mar 17, 2020 4:05 pm
- Location: Solar Blight Valley
- Has thanked: 1446 times
- Been thanked: 1331 times
Re: Jokes Thread
Doing What is right
A man appeared before St. Peter at the pearly gates. "Have you ever done anything of particular merit?" St. Peter asked.
Well, I can think of one thing," the man offered. " On a trip to the Black Hills out in South Dakota, I came upon a gang of high-testosterone bikers, who were threatening a young woman.
I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen. "So, I approached the largest and most heavily tattooed biker and smacked him on the head, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground." I yelled, "Now, back off!! Or you'll answer to me!"
St. Peter was impressed: "When did this happen?"
"Just a couple of minutes ago"
A man appeared before St. Peter at the pearly gates. "Have you ever done anything of particular merit?" St. Peter asked.
Well, I can think of one thing," the man offered. " On a trip to the Black Hills out in South Dakota, I came upon a gang of high-testosterone bikers, who were threatening a young woman.
I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen. "So, I approached the largest and most heavily tattooed biker and smacked him on the head, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground." I yelled, "Now, back off!! Or you'll answer to me!"
St. Peter was impressed: "When did this happen?"
"Just a couple of minutes ago"
-
- Posts: 3664
- Joined: Sun May 03, 2020 10:11 pm
- Has thanked: 264 times
- Been thanked: 1242 times
Re: Jokes Thread
That’s where my credulity reached breaking point.ZRX61 wrote:high-testosterone bikers
- Potter
- Posts: 9662
- Joined: Sat Mar 14, 2020 1:32 pm
- Has thanked: 2216 times
- Been thanked: 4610 times
- Taipan
- Posts: 13255
- Joined: Sat Mar 14, 2020 1:48 pm
- Location: Essex Riviera!
- Has thanked: 15604 times
- Been thanked: 9848 times
Re: Jokes Thread
Attention all dog owners . Today is the last day of May and certain breeds of black & white dogs must be kept indoors as it’s a ban collie day
- Horse
- Posts: 11211
- Joined: Sun Mar 15, 2020 11:30 am
- Location: Always sunny southern England
- Has thanked: 5944 times
- Been thanked: 4926 times
- Taipan
- Posts: 13255
- Joined: Sat Mar 14, 2020 1:48 pm
- Location: Essex Riviera!
- Has thanked: 15604 times
- Been thanked: 9848 times
- Horse
- Posts: 11211
- Joined: Sun Mar 15, 2020 11:30 am
- Location: Always sunny southern England
- Has thanked: 5944 times
- Been thanked: 4926 times
- Taipan
- Posts: 13255
- Joined: Sat Mar 14, 2020 1:48 pm
- Location: Essex Riviera!
- Has thanked: 15604 times
- Been thanked: 9848 times
- Taipan
- Posts: 13255
- Joined: Sat Mar 14, 2020 1:48 pm
- Location: Essex Riviera!
- Has thanked: 15604 times
- Been thanked: 9848 times