Jokes Thread

[Taipan]

[JackyJoll]

[MingtheMerciless]

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[Horse]

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[Trinity765]

These are some real names that I have come across: Paul Dechaney, Fanny Chew, Mari Time, Ramon Mycock, Baby Yoda.

[Taipan]

We used to have a customer called Richard Soles. I'll let you work out his signature!

[slowsider]

We used to have a customer called Richard Soles. I'll let you work out his signature!

there's a pub near me owned by Mr Spain, who has the same initial as your customer

[Taipan]

The cause of the Dartford Crossing closure last Tuesday, and the reason the speed limit has now been reduced to 20mph:-
The Highways Agency found over 200 dead crows on the Crossing approach recently, and there was concern that they may have died from Avian Flu. A Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and, to everyone's relief, confirmed the problem was NOT Avian Flu. The cause of death appeared to be from vehicular impacts. However, during analysis it was noted that varying colours of paints appeared on the bird's beaks and claws. By analysing these paint residues it was found that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with lorrys, whilst only 2% were killed by cars.
The Agency then hired an Ornithological Behaviourist to determine if there was a cause for the disproportionate percentages of truck kills versus car kills. The Ornithological Behaviourist quickly concluded that when crows eat road kill, they always have a look-out crow to warn of danger. They discovered that while all the lookout crows could shout "Cah", not a single one could shout "Lorry"....

[Taipan]

[Saga Lout]

Do I nidn't
and erm... no I didn't

[ZRX61]

A very successful attorney parked his brand new Porsche 911 Turbo in front of his office, ready to show it off to his colleagues.
As he was getting out, a truck came barreling down the road, drifted left and completely tore off the driver's door. Fortunately, a cop was close enough to see the accident and pulled up behind the now door-less Porsche with his lights flashing.
Before the cop had a chance to ask any questions, the attorney started screaming hysterically about how his precious Porsche, which he had just purchased the day before, was completely ruined and no matter how any car body shop tried to make it new again, would never be the same.
After the lawyer finally wound down from his rant, the cop shook his head in disbelief.
"I can't believe how materialistic you lawyers are," he said, "You are so focused on your possessions that you neglect the most important things in life."
"How can you say such a thing?" asked the lawyer.
The cop replied, "Don't you even realize that your left arm is missing? It was severed when the truck hit you!"
"OHH, MY GOD!" screamed the lawyer. . . "My Rolex!"

[ZRX61]

Doing What is right
A man appeared before St. Peter at the pearly gates. "Have you ever done anything of particular merit?" St. Peter asked.
Well, I can think of one thing," the man offered. " On a trip to the Black Hills out in South Dakota, I came upon a gang of high-testosterone bikers, who were threatening a young woman.
I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen. "So, I approached the largest and most heavily tattooed biker and smacked him on the head, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground." I yelled, "Now, back off!! Or you'll answer to me!"
St. Peter was impressed: "When did this happen?"
"Just a couple of minutes ago"

[JackyJoll]

high-testosterone bikers

That’s where my credulity reached breaking point.

[Potter]

...

[Taipan]

Attention all dog owners . Today is the last day of May and certain breeds of black & white dogs must be kept indoors as it’s a ban collie day

[Horse]

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[Taipan]

[Horse]

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[Taipan]

[Taipan]