What do you do to get out of the darkness ?

[Yorick]

Grib passing away was the trigger and I won’t ever recover properly but I’ve accepted that, you wouldn’t believe the anxiety I get heading out on a motorbike or how I have to force myself to do it. What you see on line is normal me who I wish I could be every day but it’s not to be and I kind of live with it and occasionally fall over, only sharing here as I can see some may be struggling and it may help them knowing they aren’t alone

That's just filled the last hole in my jigsaw. When Joanne died in 1999, I went through hell, but didn't see a change in me.

I was always OK, but in 2002 I was on silly money contracting, but I couldn't open any mail from anybody. I didn't care as I could afford any bills. At the time I was seeing the lovely Fazerdaze. She saw I was uncomfortable with mail, so I 'employed' her to open a wheelbarrow full of letters and bank statements. It took her and Emy a whole afternoon to work out how much I had and how much I owed.

I muddled along for years, hiding my head in the sands as I had no financial problems. But something seemed strange in my head.

Then in 2013 my boss, James Vignoles, pushed me too far and I broke down at work. He was a twat. I was off work 2 years with anxiety.

Then I realised what was wrong in my head. It's still there, I just swerve round the problems now.


You saw me in 2002 and you understood. Unfortunately you had to go through the same thing. But thanks for giving me the last piece of my jigsaw.

[Scotsrich]

Grib passing away was the trigger and I won’t ever recover properly but I’ve accepted that, you wouldn’t believe the anxiety I get heading out on a motorbike or how I have to force myself to do it. What you see on line is normal me who I wish I could be every day but it’s not to be and I kind of live with it and occasionally fall over, only sharing here as I can see some may be struggling and it may help them knowing they aren’t alone

I was always OK, but in 2002 I was on silly money contracting, but I couldn't open any mail from anybody. I didn't care as I could afford any bills. At the time I was seeing the lovely Fazerdaze. She saw I was uncomfortable with mail, so I 'employed' her to open a wheelbarrow full of letters and bank statements. It took her and Emy a whole afternoon to work out how much I had and how much I owed.

I muddled along for years, hiding my head in the sands as I had no financial problems. But something seemed strange in my head.

I can relate to that.

I went through a painful breakup and for the next few years it was just go to work, sleep and look after the kids when I had them.

The result of that was a phone call one Sunday morning from the Inland Revenue telling me I had a week to submit 3 years self assessment or they were taking me to court. The longer I had ignored the book work the more overwhelming it looked so the more I ignored it. A vicious cycle.

It’s just so easy to let yourself go.

Fortunately that morning the current Mrs S was there and fielded the call. She helped me set up spreadsheets to simplify the books and generally encouraged me to get it sorted. She even lent me the money for 3 years tax (and fines)

I think more people than you realise have dark times. If I feel like I can’t be arsed to do anything when there’s any amount of stuff needing done then I can recognise that one of those periods is approaching.

[Horse]

Grib passing away was the trigger and I won’t ever recover properly but I’ve accepted that, you wouldn’t believe the anxiety I get heading out on a motorbike or how I have to force myself to do it.

That's just filled the last hole in my jigsaw. When Joanne died in 1999, I went through hell, but didn't see a change in me.

I was always OK, but in 2002 I was on silly money contracting, but I couldn't open any mail from anybody. I didn't care as I could afford any bills. At the time I was seeing the lovely Fazerdaze. She saw I was uncomfortable with mail, so I 'employed' her to open a wheelbarrow full of letters and bank statements. It took her and Emy a whole afternoon to work out how much I had and how much I owed.

I muddled along for years, hiding my head in the sands as I had no financial problems. But something seemed strange in my head.

Reading both of those posts gave me the 4am thinkies. My experiences in no way compares to what you have both been through, but means I can empathise.

In 1993, I separated from my partner of 12 years. Took over the mortgage, borrowed money to buy her out. Then spent 4 months in financial denial. Then, first Saturday in November, I sat down to work out how deep the hole was. I then went around the house, emptying pockets, piggy banks, looking down the back of the sofa, etc., to collect all the cash I had.

A single one pound coin.

Well, it was fireworks display night just down the road, a quid to get in, or I could go to The Plough, buy a half, and watch the fireworks for free across the Green. So, in classic 'things could be worse', someone reversed their car into the wall that I was sat on.

The other was after my 2001 crash. All but a couple of snapshot memories, I had lost the 12 seconds leading up to impact, so I didn't know whether I had missed something, whether I had effectively contributed to it happening. A couple of weeks later, a friend died when a car turned across. The combination of the two events shook me, I don't think that I ever quite enjoyed riding as much afterwards. And, as well as 18 months of short term memory issues, I was diagnosed with PTSD and had NHS help.

[Yambo]

I was diagnosed with depression in 2000 and chatting with my doctor he suggested that I'd possibly had depression since my mother died back in 1967 when I was 16. I'd had a fairly busy life though and that may have kept it hidden. I dunno, it was just a suggestion. It could have turned out differently but for my wife who was a tower of strength.

In 2006 I had a heart attack and the docs told me that without intervention I'd be dead in 3 or 4 years but I didn't let it get me down and got sorted with a triple by-pass in 2007. Again, my missus was there for me. At the end of 2009 she (my wife Pat) was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer, terminal. She died in Feb 2011, the day before her 55th birthday. I was broken and it would have been the simplest thing to let it all go and throw myself into a hole and ignore life. I made a conscious decision that that wasn't going to happen. I try to stay positive about the future and I keep busy.

I had the odd bad days, fewer now but it's why I have lots of hobbies and keep busy. Making boats was therapy I have a couple of good friends that know what I'm like and if I'm not visible for a couple of days I get told to mtfu or they ask me to do a couple of jobs for them. I'm fairly comfortable with living alone but I need people and company at times. For a long time I wouldn't have beer in the house so I couldn't turn to it - if I needed it that bad it was probably an indication that I needed some company so I'd go out and have a couple. I do have beer in the house on occasions nowadays but it sits in the fridge for ages as I still prefer to go out. Us old folks are under curfew at the moment so I can't go out but I still haven't got any beer in the fridge. I did stop work yesterday to have lunch up on the boat with M - tuna and jalapeno pepper sandwiches and a couple of beers. It'll keep me going for a few days.

[Noggin]

The initial post was more regarding the day to day hi/low points, rather than clinical depression. We all have good and bad days, we all have days where we need a release, so was more along those lines of how do you get your release from it, rather than the medical depression context.

My way of dealing with it day to day has been riding a motorbike. Pre buying my first bike I had no way of dealing with it and when I started riding it was a revelation!!!

When I started doing seasons, I replaced bikes in the winter with skiing - instant smiles and happies

Dancing was another thing that I could do and randomly feel better!

Going on TRC and now here is another way!

For almost 3.5 years, biking (when I've tried it) has been painful. Enjoyable but the pain meant I couldn't relax and enjoy as I remember. Skiing was also tough Couldn't dance cos, well, damn, that really did hurt - and in an Aprés situation there was always the risk of being bumped into

Been tough to lose 3/4 things you use daily/weekly to make you feel better!!

Many work places are getting more enlightened about mental health and recommend various things, my employer has been running courses on things like mindfulness.

Sadly, I haven't found medical people here to be particularly enlightened when it comes to depression. Will keep looking!!

With depression it's not the ups and downs of everyday life, it's your ability to cope with the ups and downs of everyday life. Some people can't, some people think they can but they can't - they're the ones that break hardest, some people need a 'crutch', be it drugs and/or therapy. Some just need to MTFU.

Unfortunately, I seem to have been one that thinks they can but can't!!

I was depressed to the point of thinking suicide almost everyday for the 25 years before I escaped to the mountains for my first season.

From my mid teens (if not before) I used to want it all to end, I'd watch the front of big trucks and buses from the pavement and contemplate - but I couldn't do that to the person driving; also had friends in all three services locally, so someone I knew would have to deal with the clear up.

The same went for considering other ways - someone I knew was always going to have to clear up. And if I wouldn't put someone I knew through it, how was it fair to put someone I didn't (in a different area!) through it. So I clung on with my fingernails trying to stay relatively sane. (My mother was great the first time I tried to talk to her about it and told me not to be so silly and 'get a grip dear'!!) In my late 20's a family member was the third car to hit a 'jumper' on the M5 - what that did to her made me know 100% I couldn't, regardless of how much I wanted to, put anyone through dealing with me 'opting out'

I kept coming back because I fell in love with the place but also because it seemed to heal my mind pretty well too!!!

The last three years I've had an awful lot of 'things' happening. Around me and to me. Right up until last week I really did think I was dealing with it quite well (even when I didn't come here for a few weeks after a post about friends with the after effects of Covid turned into anti-'fat'-female responses!! I'm a fat female and so comments of fat bashing do make me feel pretty shitty - despite the dietician at rehab being massively impressed that I am roughly the same weight now as I was just before I crashed!! She found that unusual at the least!!).

However - my physio talked to me quite strongly last week about depression. I was still in denial - I'm not suicidal, I love where I live, I'm getting the use of my shoulder/arm back - WTF would I be depressed. After spending 48 hours in tears whilst I thought about it, when I saw him again I had to say that he was right. But it is a different type of depression. Insidious and quiet and I hadn't realised until Antoine made me think about it. I'd been home 3 weeks by then, quite isolated and a bit lonely (that's a first for me up here); I hadn't done any of the things I'd looked forward to, cooking, baking, sewing, walking out on the snow - I now realise that that is quite a big sign (for me!) and there were the other things that the physio had noticed


Luckily for me, now I'm aware that depression is back but different, I feel I can work on it on my own. I have no trust of medical personnel after my treatment by various professionals when I asked for help in my 20's. I do realise things have changed but I would have to find someone I trusted who also spoke enough English for us to communicate about something quite challenging. Antoine is keen for me to see someone but is letting me try and work on it for a while for myself. I know that if I can't improve alone he will gently nudge me to find help and probably help me find the right person (it's a bugger and a blessing when your physio also studied psychology!! )

For now it's still weird after the realisation, but at least I have an explanation for crying at random, not remotely sad, things on the telly!! And probably for the loneliness too - I've always been just fine alone, but it's a bit of a struggle this Winter - normally loads of people arrive at the end of November so meeting up with old friends and making new ones. And also for the staying in but actually doing much!! I fill my days but am not massively productive!!

Today is the first day I've seen people for a chat other than my physio in two weeks I've seen two couples and spent a long time chatting with both. Feels good - I'm wiped out, but happy to have chatted with good people!!

I do talk to a couple of French 'friends' - not sure they are but they are kind enough to talk French with me and 'chat' when I go get a hot chocolate or vin chaud from their restaurants!! But I'm not quite at the 'chatting' point in French. Once I am that will be much easier too!!

[weeksy]

How are we all doing then guys?

Times are tougher now as we're in lockdown 2, with winter being here this time, lack of BBQ, lack of walks in the hills and long cycles with my lad it's a slightly different proposition than the first one isn't it.

I think we all are finding it tougher thus time around, so don't be scared to discuss your thoughts, issues, problems or even your tips and tricks for getting out of the darkness.

[Noggin]

For me, last time was almost a relief due to the minibus issues - and I got to sit in the sun and talk to friends walking past

This time its extra weird. The resort should be awesome right now, quiet after Christmas but full of friendly faces and skiing and drinking/partying.

It isn't.

The lifts are closed. Restaurants and Bars are closed. Some are doing takeaway. But we can't get together in places with friends and eat drink and be merry
As the temperatures are now pretty much below freezing in the daytime, there isn't the opportunity to sit out in the sun and chat to friends gong past


But, we have had some sun after a couple of weeks of flat light and grey clouds, so that cheers everyone up


Things are still a challenge but the sunshine always helps

[weeksy]

How are we all doing now ? Things feeling a bit easier as we get closer to release ? Or feelings creeping in of Stockholm Syndrome where being locked up and secluded is now the 'normal' and you're scared of actually facing the world and what that may bring etc.

The sun coming up earlier now, means i'm getting out of bed earlier as i can't sleep. But i'm ok with that as i don't need tonnes of sleep anyway, but would be nice if it were a bit warmer so i could take the MTB/motorbike out while the wife and boy sleeps.

I'm actually looking forward to things this year, whether they happen or not, there's at least a bit of hope here... So, the darkness isn't here and isn't setting in.

But you ? How are you ?

[Taipan]

The last month or so has taken its toll. I've argued more with the wife in the last month than I have in 30 years! Last week was a pinch point as the wife couldn't see her Dad on her birthday, which upset her. But I think as things brighten, we're starting to brighten too. Can't wait to get out again, like properly out, walking in places we used to go to. Also, I need pubs and restaurants to open again as I really miss them!!

[Asian Boss]

I feel slightly bad as I've had a brilliant year and for many people it's been a bit shit. We just celebrated one year since our first date and it keeps getting better and better.

I did have depression in 2017 but antidepressant tablets from my GP made it better, for what that's worth. Worth considering for anyone who does have depression.

[Scotsrich]

I’m sad that time is slipping away that I’ll never get back basically locked up.

I retired last year after working my nuts off 50 weeks a year. It was supposed to be my big year. Week in New York and a cruise home was booked and cancelled. My dream of going to Japan for the GP and MotoGP went as well.

This year is looking better but not so much for holidays abroad.

The trouble is Mrs S suffers from arthritis in her hands and it’s showing on her knees now. Postponing a year or two really will make a difference.

Not the worst problem in the world but it’s getting me down.

[OBO]

You really want to know..?
A year ago I was totally stitched up by the local police resulting in a suspended prison sentence...for defending myself against a 30yr old bastard who repeatedly threatened me with violence.
I'm struggling every day with this total injustice and there's not a fucking thing I can do about it!

I have constant nerve pain and blinding headaches 24/7 due to crushing all the discs in my cervical spine and lower spine.
I was also unconcious in the accident for a long period of time and somehow this changed my happy go lucky personality, I'm now short tempered and relying on antidepressants to keep me "balanced" and out of that bloody darkness that keeps descending.
Old age really sucks for me, I fucking hate not being able to do physical stuff any more, I even struggle to get a wheel off my motorhome...

My little buddy of 18yrs only has a few weeks left in him and right now I'm seriously considering heading for Hells Mouth in Cornwall so we can go together.
Bet you wished you never asked now...(and no I'm not looking for sympathy, I've had my good times, just feel I'm about done with this fucked up messed up world).

[weeksy]

How old are you fella?

[Asian Boss]

You really want to know..?
A year ago I was totally stitched up by the local police resulting in a suspended prison sentence...for defending myself against a 30yr old bastard who repeatedly threatened me with violence.
I'm struggling every day with this total injustice and there's not a fucking thing I can do about it!

I have constant nerve pain and blinding headaches 24/7 due to crushing all the discs in my cervical spine and lower spine.
I was also unconcious in the accident for a long period of time and somehow this changed my happy go lucky personality, I'm now short tempered and relying on antidepressants to keep me "balanced" and out of that bloody darkness that keeps descending.
Old age really sucks for me, I fucking hate not being able to do physical stuff any more, I even struggle to get a wheel off my motorhome...

My little buddy of 18yrs only has a few weeks left in him and right now I'm seriously considering heading for Hells Mouth in Cornwall so we can go together.
Bet you wished you never asked now...(and no I'm not looking for sympathy, I've had my good times, just feel I'm about done with this fucked up messed up world).

Be kind to yourself dude. I'm really sorry to hear all that bad stuff happened to you, none of it sounds fair. You're an interesting person and a clever one with a moral code. I always enjoy your contribution and I'd miss you if you were not here. Things will look up soon, I promise.

[Mussels]

You've just lived through a locked down winter in Cornwall in a van, I'm not surprised you feel down. Spring is nearly here and soon you'll start to reap the benefits of being there, lockdown may even finish and people stop thinking you're a Grockle who has gone there to spread the virus.

[Skub]

You really want to know..?
A year ago I was totally stitched up by the local police resulting in a suspended prison sentence...for defending myself against a 30yr old bastard who repeatedly threatened me with violence.
I'm struggling every day with this total injustice and there's not a fucking thing I can do about it!

I have constant nerve pain and blinding headaches 24/7 due to crushing all the discs in my cervical spine and lower spine.
I was also unconcious in the accident for a long period of time and somehow this changed my happy go lucky personality, I'm now short tempered and relying on antidepressants to keep me "balanced" and out of that bloody darkness that keeps descending.
Old age really sucks for me, I fucking hate not being able to do physical stuff any more, I even struggle to get a wheel off my motorhome...

My little buddy of 18yrs only has a few weeks left in him and right now I'm seriously considering heading for Hells Mouth in Cornwall so we can go together.
Bet you wished you never asked now...(and no I'm not looking for sympathy, I've had my good times, just feel I'm about done with this fucked up messed up world).

I'm not about to dish out unqualified advice,but I sincerely hope things get better forya man and you find some grace to roll with the punches.

And what the pony said.

[Asian Boss]

I always post this but I think it's worth a watch for anyone who is in a not so cheery place.



It's ok to not be ok, it's not ok to not ask for someone to back you up.

[Taipan]

You really want to know..?
A year ago I was totally stitched up by the local police resulting in a suspended prison sentence...for defending myself against a 30yr old bastard who repeatedly threatened me with violence.
I'm struggling every day with this total injustice and there's not a fucking thing I can do about it!

I have constant nerve pain and blinding headaches 24/7 due to crushing all the discs in my cervical spine and lower spine.
I was also unconcious in the accident for a long period of time and somehow this changed my happy go lucky personality, I'm now short tempered and relying on antidepressants to keep me "balanced" and out of that bloody darkness that keeps descending.
Old age really sucks for me, I fucking hate not being able to do physical stuff any more, I even struggle to get a wheel off my motorhome...

My little buddy of 18yrs only has a few weeks left in him and right now I'm seriously considering heading for Hells Mouth in Cornwall so we can go together.
Bet you wished you never asked now...(and no I'm not looking for sympathy, I've had my good times, just feel I'm about done with this fucked up messed up world).

Sad to read Amigo. I feel your pain. I actually crippled myself dragging my self-overdosed Son to a car to get him to hospital. I saved his life, but ruined mine. Think i'll sue the fooker. Mate, every day above ground is a good one, even if it doesn't feel that way at times....

[Cousin Jack]

You really want to know..?
A year ago I was totally stitched up by the local police resulting in a suspended prison sentence...for defending myself against a 30yr old bastard who repeatedly threatened me with violence.
I'm struggling every day with this total injustice and there's not a fucking thing I can do about it!

I have constant nerve pain and blinding headaches 24/7 due to crushing all the discs in my cervical spine and lower spine.
I was also unconcious in the accident for a long period of time and somehow this changed my happy go lucky personality, I'm now short tempered and relying on antidepressants to keep me "balanced" and out of that bloody darkness that keeps descending.
Old age really sucks for me, I fucking hate not being able to do physical stuff any more, I even struggle to get a wheel off my motorhome...

My little buddy of 18yrs only has a few weeks left in him and right now I'm seriously considering heading for Hells Mouth in Cornwall so we can go together.
Bet you wished you never asked now...(and no I'm not looking for sympathy, I've had my good times, just feel I'm about done with this fucked up messed up world).

Sorry to her of your troubles. IIRC you are down in the SW, so if you think it will help drop me a PM and maybe we can break lockdown and meet up.

[weeksy]

So how are people doing and coping with the instanity now ?

The world has got a little better, but unlike last year, the weather isn't allowing a free flow of BBQ and sitting in the sun enjoying the days and nights at home, is that affecting your sanity a little more ?

Are you coping OK with the possibilty of returning to normality ? Or is going out and facing people scaring you more than the CV19 issues ?

Don't think you'll be judged here, don't think we won't support you... we'll do our best.