Jokes Thread

[Wreckless Rat]

The first draft of Boris' speech have been leaked...

[Yambo]

One day a man decided to retire...
He booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life, that is, until the ship sank.
He soon found himself on an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing, only bananas and coconuts.
After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to the shore.
In disbelief, he asks, "Where did you come from? How did you get here?"
She replies, "I rowed over from the other side of the island where I landed when my fishing boat sank." "Amazing," he notes. "You were really lucky to have a row boat wash up with you."
"Oh, this ole thing?" explains the woman. " I made the boat out of some raw material I found on the island. The oars were whittled from gum tree branches. I wove the bottom from palm tree branches, and the sides and stern came from an Eucalyptus tree."
"But, where did you get the tools?"
"Oh, that was no problem," replied the woman. " On the south side of the island, a very unusual stratum of alluvial rock is exposed. I found that if I fired it to a certain temperature in a volcanic vent I found just down island, it melted into ductile iron and I used that to make tools and used the tools to make the hardware."
The guy is stunned.
"Let's row over to my place," she says "and I'll give you a tour." So, after a short time of rowing, she soon docks the boat at a small hand built wharf. As the man looks to shore, he nearly falls off the boat. Before him is a long stone walk leading to a cabin and tree house.
While the woman ties up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the man can only stare ahead, dumb struck. As they walk into the house, she says casually, "It's not much, but I call it home.
Please sit down. Would you like a drink?"
"No! No thank you," the man blurts out, still dazed. "I can't take another drop of coconut juice."
"Oh, it's not coconut juice," winks the woman. "I have a still. How would you like a Jack Daniels neat?" Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepts, and they sit down on her couch to talk. After they exchange their individual survival stories, the woman announces, "I'm going to slip into something more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave? There's a razor in the bathroom cabinet upstairs."
No longer questioning anything, the man goes upstairs into the bathroom. There, in the cabinet is a razor made from a piece of tortoise bone. Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge are fastened on to its end inside a swivel mechanism.
"This woman is amazing," he muses. "What's next?"
When he returns, she greets him wearing nothing but a bandana around her blonde locks and some small flowers on tiny vines, each strategically positioned. She smelled faintly of coconut oil. She then beckons for him to sit down next to her.
"Tell me," she begins suggestively, slithering closer to him, "We've both been out here for many months. You must have been lonely. When was the last time you had a really good ride?"
She stares into his eyes.
He can't believe what he's hearing.
"You mean..." he swallows excitedly as tears start to form in his eyes,
"You've built a Panigale?”.

[Yorick]

balls.JPG (35.19 KiB) Viewed 1218 times

[The Martian]

A priest, an Iman, a rabbit and a vicar walk into a blood bank..

The rabbit says "I think I'm a type O"

[Taipan]

Did you know that soul singer Bill Withers had a brother called 'Bear' who wrote telephone hold music?

[David]

Ouch

[Yorick]

Did you know that soul singer Bill Withers had a brother called 'Bear' who wrote telephone hold music?

Stop !!!

[Trinity765]

[David]

I get that its biden...what am i missing? ( apart from wondering whete the other horn went)?

[Pirahna]

Did you know that soul singer Bill Withers had a brother called 'Bear' who wrote telephone hold music?

Wifey does a quiz with a few of her mates on a Sunday evening, 5 questions each. I've just given her that as a true or false question to ask, it should confuse most of them.

[Trinity765]

I get that its biden...what am i missing? ( apart from wondering whete the other horn went)?

He has a reputation for being a bit too touchy feely. He invades a lot of space. If you Google "Jo Biden touching", "Jo Biden creepy" or "Jo Biden girl" you will find lots of images of him doing this. Not that one though

[Wreckless Rat]

Clearly a fake photo, Jake Angeli has quite clearly gone through puberty.

[Yorick]

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[Trinity765]

Snigger

[Taipan]

See yourself in there anyone!

[cheb]

I'm waiting for the inevitable day when I try and drink tea through mine.

[irie]

[Taipan]

[Taipan]

Even better than my Fakerapovic!

[Yorick]

It makes me laugh that there are idiots out there who really believe this and sharing it on FB

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