In todays light hearted look at the (non-political) news

[Wossname]

Murca leads the way. *F, feet/inches, gallons/quarts. Who needs those nasty metric things - and they’re smaller, anyway.

[Count Steer]

What's that in a proper temperature scale?

'Not so chilly today'.

[gremlin]

You'd have thought this heatwave we're having in the UK would have made the mainstream news, but hardly a mention of it. Really low-key. Nothing at all, really.

[Count Steer]

One of the chaps on the local newsfeed thingy (which is mainly semi-tech-literate senile people telling each other about the latest scam) has been taking the piss out of the incessant 'look out everyone, it's a tad warm' official warnings and the Viz style advice for dealing with it from the regulars on there.

'I have no idea if there is still anybody out there. The TV is on but that may be prerecorded to stop survivors from panicking.

According to the BBC yesterday, 35degrees C is “unsurvivable” so it seems probable that if you are reading this, you are one of the few Homo sapiens still alive.

I tried to warn everybody yesterday. I offered advice. But so many seemed to treat my post as a joke. Some were even in cars at that yellow boxed roundabout in Guildford. How they weren’t burnt onto their steering wheels like that poor Iraqi soldier in the Gulf War is beyond me.

But what can we do now? Heed my advice from yesterday. Ensure your phones are on in case the government sends out that high pitched warning thing. Try tapping out morse code on the party walls if you live in a semi detached or terrace house. Do the same on the floor or ceiling if you live in a flat. (on the floor if you live upstairs, on the ceiling if on the ground floor and on both in a middle flat). Keep hydrated but use water sparingly - supply may end at any point.

I should have told you to stock up with tinned food and toilet rolls but hopefully you still have your supplies from the first 2 weeks of Covid.

Beyond that, all we can do is hope and trust to God. But this may be his judgement, of course. It can’t be coincidence that in an unsurvivable heat wave, He has given us a new Prime Minister called BURNham. It’s a sign!

This may be my last ever post. Stay safe if you can. Stay out of the Sun! Stay out of the Sun! Stay out…'

His previous post was excellent too - I expect he'll be banned shortly.

[ZRX61]

[ZRX61]

According to the BBC yesterday, 35degrees C is “unsurvivable” so it seems probable that if you are reading this, you are one of the few Homo sapiens still alive.

98deg?? LMFAO!!!

[Count Steer]

According to the BBC yesterday, 35degrees C is “unsurvivable” so it seems probable that if you are reading this, you are one of the few Homo sapiens still alive.

98deg?? LMFAO!!!

I'm not totally sure the BBC actually said that.

I'll see if I can find his post from yesterday too. It's funnier if you could see the incredible number of heat warnings that pop up on there though. That's what tipped him over the edge I expect.

Ah..

'I just wanted to warn everybody that it is going to be very hot out there. So please neighbours, heed the warnings.

Do not go out in heavy coats, close curtains to keep out the sun, stock up on water in case there is a mains issue (but don't panic buy as we need to ensure water is available in supermarkets), don't swim in case you drown, think about reducing the temperature on your showers (but reduce the time in the shower in case we run short of water), keep all pets indoors 24/7, leave water out for birds, don't run a marathon unless you are super fit and fully hydrated (but don't drink more than your fair share in case we run out of water), wear sun screen (but don't panic buy as we need to ensure some is available in the supermarkets), turn on fans or air conditioning units if you have them and providing there is not a power cut, don't sit in a car with all the windows closed, carry water with you on all journeys (but not more than your fair share), stay hydrated if you have to work to keep the British economy bumping along, try not to alarm others by saying, "It's very hot isn't it?" or "It's too hot" or "This hot weather is killing me", carry extra water with you in case you find somebody dying of thirst in the street (but not too much as we want to ensure there is still water available in the supermarkets), remember that hot weather makes people irritable so try not to cut up anybody on the road or if you see them walking an American Bully on a lead, ride a camel rather than drive a car, do not under any circumstances exercise common sense because in this heat all exercise should be avoided, don't organise a charity car wash in case we run short of water, don't wash your own car for the same reason, it might be an idea to turn down your central heating and turn off any electric fires, don't take a sauna, use anti perspirant and plenty of soap when you shower, don’t shower alone but share your shower water with a family member or neighbour, don’t move if you are old as any movement could prove fatal, remember hand held fans make you hotter as you burn energy as you wave them back and forth, and most important of all, try to avoid hyperbole and giving advice that is either obvious or totally impractical!

Hopefully we will get through this. Hopefully we will still have a planet this time next week. Hopefully the mortuaries will cope.

But just in case, do get a will written, it is terribly unfair on loved ones to die intestate!'

[Count Steer]

Today's edition from Trevor Kingston - a variation on 'When I grow old I shall wear purple' I believe.

Red Warning About Heat

Now I am so very hot I shall go naked
With a red hat which is too small, and doesn’t suit me.
And I shall spend my pension on air con and hand held fans
And a penile bow, and say I’ve no money for butter.
I shall sit down naked on the floor of Lidl when I am tired
And guzzle down beer and ignore all alarm bells
About climate change in the Guardian newspaper.
And to make up for the sobriety of my youth,
I shall drive a gas guzzling Bugatti Chiron in the hot sun
And pump CO2 down other people’s streets
Just for the hell of it.

I will not change my diet but grow more fat
By eating three tubs of ice cream in one go
Or only ice lollies for the rest of the week.
And air condition my home even when I go away on holiday.

But next week we will need clothes that keep us dry
And umbrellas, whilst we moan on Next Door
About the so called British summer
As we shiver and read about the glorious sun of 76 in the papers.

So maybe we should make the best of it now?
Before people who now complain about the sun and the heat
Start moaning instead about the cost of their central heating.

(With thanks to Jenny Joseph)

[Druid]

According to the BBC yesterday, 35degrees C is “unsurvivable” so it seems probable that if you are reading this, you are one of the few Homo sapiens still alive.

I've seen the 35C figure mentioned. but it refers to the "wet bulb temperature" which factors in humidity - something our desert dwelling associate need not concern himself with

84% humidity here today, but only 27C

[Horse]

Birdie Eagle Boa

https://www.theguardian.com/uk-news/202 ... try-durham

For most golfers, the biggest hindrance they are likely to come across during a round is a strong gust of wind or getting their ball caught in a bunker. For golfers in County Durham, however, the obstacles players encountered were 2 metres long and covered in scales.

Two boa constrictors have been found on Blackwell Grange golf club in Darlington one week apart, with the first being found on 13 June during a children’s golf lesson when a 12-year-old girl’s shot landed directly on the snake.