Jokes Thread

[Taipan]

Anyone interested in reading Chiropractor Monthly? I've got some back issues...

[Taipan]

[Taipan]

[ZRX61]

A woman was getting her hair done at the salon for a trip to Rome with her husband.

She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded:

"Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty. You're crazy to go to Rome. So how are you getting there?"

"We're taking Continental," was the reply. "We got a great rate!"

"Continental?" exclaimed the hairdresser. "That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly and they're always late. So where are you staying in Rome?"

"We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome's Tiber River called Teste."

"Don't go any further. I know that place. Everybody thinks it's gonna be something special and exclusive, but it's really a dump."

"We're going to go to see the Vatican and maybe get to see the Pope."

"That's rich," laughed the hairdresser. "You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it."

A month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo. The hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome.

"It was wonderful," explained the woman, "not only were we on time in one of Continental's brand new planes, but it was overbooked and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful and I had a handsome 28-year-old steward who waited on me hand and foot. And the Teste hotel was great! They'd just finished a $5 million remodeling and now it's a jewel, the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their owner's suite at no extra charge!"

"Well," muttered the hairdresser, "that's all well and good, but I know you didn't get to see the Pope."

"Actually, we were quite lucky because as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me.

Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me."

"Oh, really! What'd he say?"

He said: "Who fucked up your hair?"

[Soupdragon]

83577116-4182-4825-a4e7-99bad37c6b32-1_all_188.jpg (67.82 KiB) Viewed 2511 times

[Felix]

A dyslexic terrorist has stormed Edinburgh zoo and taken 4 Ostriches.

[ZRX61]

A woman hears a knock. When she opens the door, a man asks, “Do you have a vagina?”

She slams the door in disgust.

The next morning, the same man knocks and asks the same question. She slams the door again.

That night, when her husband gets home, she tells him what happened.

In a loving voice, he says, “Honey, I’m taking tomorrow off to be home in case this guy shows up again.”

The next morning they hear a knock and both run to the door. The husband whispers, “Honey, I’ll hide behind the door and listen. If it’s the same guy, answer yes. I want to see where the bastard is going with this.”

She nods and opens the door.

Sure enough, the same man is there and asks, “Do you have a vagina?”

“Yes, I do,” she says.

The man replies, “Good! Would you mind telling your husband to leave my wife’s alone and start using yours?”

[ZRX61]

Mark showed up at Mass one Sunday, and the priest almost fell down when he saw him. Mark had never been seen in church in his life.

After Mass, the priest caught up with Mark and said, “Mark, I am so glad you decided to come to Mass. What made you come?”

Mark said, “I’ve got to be honest with you, Father. A while back, I misplaced my hat, and I really, really love that hat. I know that McGlynn had a hat just like mine, and I knew that McGlynn came to church every Sunday. I also knew that McGlynn had to take off his hat during Mass and figured he would leave it in the back of the church. So, I was going to leave after Communion and steal McGlynn’s hat.”

The priest said, “Well, Mark, I notice that you didn’t steal McGlynn’s hat. What changed your mind?”

Mark said, “Well, after I heard your sermon on the Ten Commandments, I decided that I didn’t need to steal McGlynn’s hat.”

The priest gave Mark a big smile and said, “After I talked about ‘Thou Shalt Not Steal,’ you decided you would rather do without your hat than burn in Hell, right?”

Mark shook his head and said, “No, Father. After you talked about ‘Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery,’ I remembered where I left my hat.”

[Yorick]

One for @Taipan

FB_IMG_1779448492560.jpg (184.83 KiB) Viewed 1445 times

[Taipan]

The cause of the Dartford Crossing closure last Tuesday, and the reason the speed limit has now been reduced to 20mph:-
The Highways Agency found over 200 dead crows on the Crossing approach recently, and there was concern that they may have died from Avian Flu. A Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and, to everyone's relief, confirmed the problem was NOT Avian Flu. The cause of death appeared to be from vehicular impacts. However, during analysis it was noted that varying colours of paints appeared on the bird's beaks and claws. By analysing these paint residues it was found that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with lorrys, whilst only 2% were killed by cars.
The Agency then hired an Ornithological Behaviourist to determine if there was a cause for the disproportionate percentages of truck kills versus car kills. The Ornithological Behaviourist quickly concluded that when crows eat road kill, they always have a look-out crow to warn of danger. They discovered that while all the lookout crows could shout "Cah", not a single one could shout "Lorry"....

[Taipan]

One for @Taipan

There have been more than a few times where a bike has gone past, and i've thought, that sounds nice! eBay...

[Yorick]

One for @Taipan

There have been more than a few times where a bike has gone past, and i've thought, that sounds nice! eBay...

Ditto. I'm on the patio listening to the local nutters powering up the hill out of town.

[Felix]

Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95 year-old grandmother and comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning." Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble. "Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong." She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, "He'd still be alive if the ice cream van hadn't come along."

[Saga Lout]

Has anybody seen my 1955 edition of The Jumbo Book of Slightly Risqué Jokes? I seem to have mislaid it.

[Horse]

[Taipan]

[ZRX61]

There have been more than a few times where a bike has gone past, and i've thought, that sounds nice! eBay...

There was this pub on a slight rise we used to go to down Surrey way around '82-'83 that had a beer garden. You could hear bikes coming up the road, but owing to the beer garden being somewhat below the road level & a hedge along one side you couldn't see the bikes until they were passing by the fence. We used to sit there having a pint & try to ID the bikes by noise before they appeared. It was amazing how many we got right.

[Soupdragon]

FB_IMG_1780141296677.jpg (35.83 KiB) Viewed 778 times

[Jody]

Two from me today


I just heard my ex girlfriend got run over by a car

"that sounds awful"

Nah wasn't too bad actually, I had the stereo up pretty loud.

—---------

"if you don't have children, who's gonna look after you when your old? "

The busty Thai bride I'll buy with all the money I saved on school shoes.

[KungFooBob]

711766251_1794558121950528_1196633629165622146_n.jpg (100.6 KiB) Viewed 719 times