Jokes Thread

[The Martian]

Made the mistake of referring to a dwarf as an elf earlier, he got really angry and asked what a dwarf and an elf actually have in common.
Apologetically I replied "very little"

[Saga Lout]

It takes me 5 minutes to walk to the pub
It takes me 35 minutes to walk home
The difference is staggering.

[derek badger]

[slowsider]

I've been making friends in the international music bizniz. I now know a Russian sound engineer, and a Czech one too. A Czech one too.

[wheelnut]

The husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you."

Yes, she says, "I remember it well."

OK, he says, "How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?"

"Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!"

A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having
sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. So he follows them.

The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in.. Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.

The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know.

After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is.

So, as the couple passes, he says to them, "Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?"

Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply,

"Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence."

[The Martian]

Just a reminder for anyone who got a book from me for Christmas, they're due back next Tuesday

[Yorick]

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[Docca]

[Taipan]

[KungFooBob]

[Taipan]

[Horse]

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[Taipan]

Essex police raided a house behind the library in my town of Basildon today and found drugs with a street value of £4 million, 12 AK47 rifles and 22 hand grenades. TBH I'm in a state of shock as I didn't even know Basildon had a library!

[Yorick]

Essex police raided a house behind the library in my town of Basildon today and found drugs with a street value of £4 million, 12 AK47 rifles and 22 hand grenades. TBH I'm in a state of shock as I didn't even know Basildon had a library!

I've heard that about 40 times. Not many times to go now:)

[Taipan]

Essex police raided a house behind the library in my town of Basildon today and found drugs with a street value of £4 million, 12 AK47 rifles and 22 hand grenades. TBH I'm in a state of shock as I didn't even know Basildon had a library!

I've heard that about 40 times. Not many times to go now:)

Give it a week, that's about how long it normally takes me to forget I've already posted it.

[Taipan]

[derek badger]

[The Martian]

What's the main difference between a Hippo and a Zippo?

One is really heavy and the other is a little lighter.

[JackyJoll]

[Taipan]