One liners

[Mr. Dazzle]

I was going to sail around the globe in the world’s smallest ship but I bottled it.

Which was apparently the Edinburgh Fringe funniest joke this year.

https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/articles/c8erpgy727jo

Some of the runners up are way better IMO.

2. I've been taking salsa lessons for months, but I just don't feel like I'm progressing. It's just one step forward... two steps back. - Alec Snook


4. I sailed through my driving test. That’s why I failed it. - Arthur Smith

5. I love the Olympics. My friend and I invented a new type of relay baton: well, he came up with the idea, I ran with it.- Mark Simmons

6. My dad used to say to me “Pints, gallons, litres” – which, I think, speaks volumes - Olaf Falafel

[Taff]

I saw a magician who turned the audience into windmills, I'm a big fan.

[Taff]

me - I saw a flock of cows today

dad - Herd of cows!

me - of course I have, they go MOOOO

[wheelnut]

Knock knock.

Who's there?

Grandad

Shit, stop the funeral!

[Yorick]

Knock knock

Who's there?

It's Avon. Your bell's buggered.



One for the old farts

[wheelnut]

A teacher asks his pupils "What is your favourite letter?"

A child raises his hand and says " G sir"

the teacher asks " Why is that Angus?"

[wheelnut]

A priest, a pastor and a rabbit walk into a blood transfusion clinic.

The nurse asked the rabbit ‘what is your blood type?’

‘I’m probably a Type O’ said the rabbit.

[Yambo]

I joined a dating site for people my age.

It's called Carbon Dating.

[Jody]

Why did the old man fall down the well.

He couldn't see that well

[Yambo]

I saw a golf buggy in a disabled parking space at Tesco's today.

I had to wonder what his handicap was.

[wheelnut]

I’ve got piles and piles of ironing.

I’m not sure which is worse.