Jokes Thread

[Taipan]

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.
After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away."

The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?" "Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied the vet..

"How can you be so sure?" she protested. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."

The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.

The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room. A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.

The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."

The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman..

The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$1500!" she cried, "$1500 just to tell me my duck is dead!"

The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been $50, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now $1500."

[Taipan]

[Taipan]

Watching the Paralympics today and I couldn't help think if these guys can run faster than me, lift heavier weights than me, swim better than me, then wtf do they need to park closer to ASDA than me?

[Taipan]

I recently joined an online dating site. They asked what kind of women I wanted to meet so I said 'Girls from Page 3'...After a few days I had no replies, then I realised that the 'P' on my keyboard was broken and now my computer and I are in Police custody...

[JackyJoll]

I love it when you're sitting outside and some dirty fucker on the next table starts smoking. I absolutely agree with banning it. If you want to smoke do it in your house, preferably with the windows closed.

The only people I want to ban are those people who want to ban things.

I used to smoke, I don't like cigarette smoke now and wish people wouldn't smoke near me, but just stop it with the constant stream of "Ban this", "Ban that", "They're enjoying themselves, make them stop". It's ridiculous and childish.

I've never been a smoker - I did try in my 20's but it was disgusting and despite everyone telling me I'd get used to it, it was something else I failed to have the determination to continue with (along with drinking beer/lager/alcohol in general)!!

I also worked in pubs part time and full time from '86 until well past the smoking ban, so I was basically a smoker through second hand smoke I suppose!


BUT, I have no issue with people smoking outside. I prefer that to most vape smells!! And over here, in general, people stand away/go downwind if smoking outside and people are eating - some even just if people aren't smoking they'll move.

Weirdly I do love the smell of a single cigarette, but a fug of smoke isn't particularly pleasant (although was useful to hide all the other smells in a pub back then!! )

Each to them's own, generally!!

I’m needing these ones explained to me.

[JackyJoll]

[Taipan]

I rang my Boss this morning and said, "I can't come in as i have a wee cough".

He replied "You have a wee cough"?

I said, "Thanks Boss see you next week"...

[Jody]

I was flabbergasted recently when a friend, a mother of a 4 year old, moaned that the government were trying to stop her smoking outside. Partially because I assumed she quit while pregnant, so why the hell would she go back to it ?
I resisted the urge to point out " Ohh yes what an awful government. They want to protect your child from your dangerous, disgusting, expensive habit".

[Jody]

Am I the only one that has ZERO clue what this is about?

[Mussels]

I was flabbergasted recently when a friend, a mother of a 4 year old, moaned that the government were trying to stop her smoking outside. Partially because I assumed she quit while pregnant, so why the hell would she go back to it ?
I resisted the urge to point out " Ohh yes what an awful government. They want to protect your child from your dangerous, disgusting, expensive habit".

It's expensive because the government makes it expensive so they hardly protecting her from that, otherwise why do you think she is exposing her child to it? The exact same arguments could be used against motorbikes.

[McNab]

Am I the only one that has ZERO clue what this is about?

Nope you are not.

I'm going to guess that it's from a video clip where she flashes her growler, but as a static image it doesn't work. I assume we are supposed to know who the lady in question is, but I've no idea.

Edit. I've just clicked on the pic and I was right, it is a video of that. Still no idea who she is though.

[MrLongbeard]

I assume we are supposed to know who the lady in question is, but I've no idea.

https://www.yahoo.com/entertainment/mar ... 14029.html

[Taipan]

Am I the only one that has ZERO clue what this is about?

I'm guessing you're too young to remember the old cartoons, so it probably doesn't work in that case.

[Taipan]

messi 2018 png

[McNab]

I assume we are supposed to know who the lady in question is, but I've no idea.

https://www.yahoo.com/entertainment/mar ... 14029.html

Thanks.

Maren Morris. Still no idea who she is I'm probably not her target demographic anyway.

[Skub]

I assume we are supposed to know who the lady in question is, but I've no idea.

https://www.yahoo.com/entertainment/mar ... 14029.html

Thanks.

Maren Morris. Still no idea who she is I'm probably not her target demographic anyway.

You're not a pussy flash fan?

[Jody]

I was flabbergasted recently when a friend, a mother of a 4 year old, moaned that the government were trying to stop her smoking outside. Partially because I assumed she quit while pregnant, so why the hell would she go back to it ?
I resisted the urge to point out " Ohh yes what an awful government. They want to protect your child from your dangerous, disgusting, expensive habit".

It's expensive because the government makes it expensive so they hardly protecting her from that, otherwise why do you think she is exposing her child to it? The exact same arguments could be used against motorbikes.

The government have made it prohibitively expensive for some people, so it saves them.
She thinks by going outside and smoking, then going back inside and hugging her son, that she is protecting him. She's wrong, granted it's not like blowing smoke in his face, but the smoke is still on her hands, her clothes her hair ect.

As far as I'm aware, no one has ever got a deadly disease because their parent rode a motorbike. So no mate, the same argument can't be made against motorbikes.

[MrLongbeard]

but the smoke is still on her hands, her clothes her hair ect

This is dragging the jokes thread way off topic, but that has me wondering, yes you can still smell it on the person / their clothes but does that immediately imply that the nasty chemicals that cause cancer are also present?
And if they are what is the transmission method and rate that would spread them to all the innocents in their vicinity?

[Pirahna]

but the smoke is still on her hands, her clothes her hair ect

This is dragging the jokes thread way off topic, but that has me wondering, yes you can still smell it on the person / their clothes but does that immediately imply that the nasty chemicals that cause cancer are also present?
And if they are what is the transmission method and rate that would spread them to all the innocents in their vicinity?

This should answer your question:

https://www.mayoclinic.org/healthy-life ... q-20057791

[MrLongbeard]

but the smoke is still on her hands, her clothes her hair ect

This is dragging the jokes thread way off topic, but that has me wondering, yes you can still smell it on the person / their clothes but does that immediately imply that the nasty chemicals that cause cancer are also present?
And if they are what is the transmission method and rate that would spread them to all the innocents in their vicinity?

This should answer your question:

https://www.mayoclinic.org/healthy-life ... 20vehicles.

Nope, I prefer to read the actual papers rather than articles.
However, https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3040625/ sheds some light on it.
So it's possible maybe when talking about homes / cars etc. but then it'd be an even lower risk on people & clothes are they are washed / cleaned as they wouldn't have the same build up of third hand smoke.

And then of course there's the issue around absorption into the body, at what rate if any can they pass through the skin barrier and how does that compare to inhalation & ingestion which wouldn't be expected to happen.

Hey ho, was only a mild curiosity, back to the jokes.