One liners

[dern]

What’s your favourite one liner? There’s so many I like but I think my favourite is from Gary Delaney…

I put diesel in the escort the other day. She died.

[Yorick]

Tommy Cooper.

Doctor, it hurts when I do this.

Well don't do it

[dern]

Tommy Cooper.

Doctor, it hurts when I do this.

Well don't do it

Tommy Cooper was a genius…

“I said to the gym instructor: ‘Can you teach me to do the splits?’ He said: ‘How flexible are you?’ I said: ‘I can’t make Tuesdays’.”

[Mr. Dazzle]

As I stood gazing at the flying Frisbee, I wondered why it was appearing larger and larger.

And then it hit me.

[ChrisW]

I was a caesarean birth. I leave the house by the window.

[Skub]

I met a man who was shouting words like Broccoli and cauliflower. The poor chap had florets.

[KungFooBob]

If I don't do a CR:LF does a two liner become a one liner?

Why do elephants have Big Ears? Because Noddy won't pay the ransom.

Why are Pirates called Pirates? Because they Aaaaaaarrrrr.

[ChrisW]

How do you kill a circus? Go for the juggler.

[dern]

I was watching a really weird porno the other day, that was just a fat man crying and wanking at the same time. And then I realised I hadn't turned the telly on.

[wheelnut]

My daughter has just completed her degree in ballet studies.

She got a 2:2.

[Trinity765]

Dyslexic walks into a bra.

[Taff]

You don't have to tell a border collie what to do twice, they herd you the first time.

[Jody]

Why don't ants get ill.? Because they have Anti-Bodies

2 guys walk into a bar, you would expect the 2nd one to have ducked.

[Docca]

A new study recently found that humans eat more bananas than monkeys. It's true. I can't remember the last time I ate a monkey

[Docca]

I have many jokes about unemployed people – sadly none of them work

[Docca]

What’s the difference between jam and peanut butter? I can’t peanut butter my cock up your sisters arse

[Docca]

My boss told me to have a good day. So I went home.

[KungFooBob]

I was going to sail around the globe in the world’s smallest ship but I bottled it.

Which was apparently the Edinburgh Fringe funniest joke this year.

https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/articles/c8erpgy727jo

[Yorick]

Why are you so fat?

Every time I make love to your wife she gives me a biscuit.


True story from cricket stories

https://mysportsblog.wordpress.com/2008 ... d-cricket/

[Jody]

Why are you so fat?

Every time I make love to your wife she gives me a biscuit.


True story from cricket stories

https://mysportsblog.wordpress.com/2008 ... d-cricket/

I genuinely got to use this irl last spring

"Ohh I can see the winter has been good to you" he said while patting his belly

"What can I say mate, every time I fugged your mum, she gave me a cookie"

"Ohh, well, I guess I walked into that one "