Jokes Thread

[Noggin]

[Taipan]

[Taipan]

Kier Starmer saw a little old lady struggling with two heavy bags of shopping,
"You shouldn't be struggling with those two bags of shopping, let me help," he said.
So he halved her pension so she could only afford one in future.

[Taipan]

upload

[Noggin]

[Jody]

When I was a youth, we lived on a small holding. We didnt have much money so we tried to do everything ourselves. I remember trying to out up fences etc. The trouble is, when I was 12/13 years old, I simply wasn't tall enough to swing a sledge hammer at a 5ft fence post safely

So I didn't

Because the steaks were too high

[Sadlonelygit]

Stakes

[Sadlonelygit]

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[Yorick]

This happened at a major Australian University during a biology lecture.
A professor was discussing the high glucose levels found in semen. A young woman raised her hand and asked. "If I understand you correctly, you are saying that there is as much glucose in male semen as in sugar?"
The professor responded yes adding some statistical data. Raising her hand again the girl asked. "Then why doesn't it taste sweet?"
After a stunned silence the whole class burst out laughing. The poor girl turned bright red and as she realised exactly what she had inadvertently said, she picked up her books and without another word walked out of the class.
However as she was heading for the door the professors reply was a classic.
Totally straight faced, he answered her question. "It doesn't taste sweet because the tastebuds for sweetness are on the tip of your tongue and not at the back of your throat."

[gremlin]

Just been prescribed some anti-gloating cream.

Can't wait to get home and rub it in.

[Felix]

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[Taipan]

[Taipan]

[Mussels]

After rainbow liveries I can't tell if that's a joke or not.

[Felix]

Some people dont believe that lm a singer in a Black Eyed Peas tribute band.
Well i am

[Jody]

Not sure if I've done this one already......


I got told off by the campsite yesterday. They said that my dog Max had been chasing a kid on his bike.

I told them straight, Max doesn't even have a bike ffs

[Horse]

After rainbow liveries I can't tell if that's a joke or not.

Battenburg variations
.

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[Sadlonelygit]

Grandson (8) got a detention during a spelling bee competition.
The adjudicator asked him to spell 'seaward'
My grandson said 'are you sure?'
They nodded!
Then, in his loudest , clearest tones went......

'C....U......N'

The adjudicator screamed 'that'll do thank you very much'

[Horse]

While many complain about life in general and the cost of living, etc, I am sitting on a sofa that costs £3,500.

I'm lovely and cool in front of an air-conditioning unit costing £2,300, watching the latest film on a 70" smart TV that cost £4,000.

Right now, I'm so happy, with no worries and not a care in the world.

Not even the staff at John Lewis, who keep asking me to leave, can spoil my day.

[Felix]

I thought Min Sun Tatis was a Korean dish until l realised that it was said by a Fifer.