Wedding speech - give me some witty one-liners.

[gremlin]

I've been asked by Big Sis to give a 'Brother of the Bride' speech in a couple of weeks. I've got the basics: intro, thank the bridesmaid, etc. and a few anecdotes. Just for once, I'd like to be entertaining and witty, but I'm kind of struggling. Any examples of speeches are either Best Man, which roasts the Groom, or Father of the Bride, which are soppy.

Got any one-liners I can throw in? For example, I'm gonna allude to the dilemma above, and claim to have not ripped off internet speeches, but then starts an obvious Father of the Bride speech

Or the ol' favourite, where I say how wonderful my sis is for x number of reasons, then stumble on the last word, show her the speech and say I can't read her writing.

Help me out.

[Count Steer]

The bride would like to thank the groom's parents for the gift of the perky copulator.

[KungFooBob]

Marriage is like a kitchen table, four bare legs and no drawers.

I write that in every wedding card I'm asked to sign.

[Horse]

Fornication

FORNICATION!

For an occasion like this, it is traditional to ...


On the read your writing, add "And what's your name, again?"

[Wossname]

“…and btw, that envelope was £20 short on what we agreed.”

[gremlin]

Other forums have done this...some I remember...

I think they're off to Wales on their honeymoon, I heard the groom saying he was going to Bangor all weekend.

The bride told me that not only is she getting married, but she's also going to have to start buying nappies soon - apparently her arse muscles have gone.

Much as they made me giggle, I feel with both sets of parents present, along with small children, possibly not appropriate for the audience.

I should mention that both bride and groom are in their mid-50's. Between them this'll be the seventh wedding. . I did think about slipping a gag in referencing that, maybe along the lines of 'how many toasters must you two have between you now?!', but being as my sister lost her husband to cancer a few years back, probably best leave that one out...

[Sadlonelygit]

If she has children, mention that they're so happy she's remarried as it means they no longer have to choose which home she goes in/ worry about hygiene matters as her body inevitably starts failing.

[Yorick]

It's amazing how they keep so slim after eating all that wedding cake.

[Yambo]

Between them this'll be the seventh wedding. .

Perhaps you could just run a book on how long this one will last* . . .

I don't think you can just turn up and be funny or witty with 2 weeks notice. If you're not that way normally then everyone will know that it's all a bit false. I think you should just write a speech and then see if what you've written can lend itself to a bit of humour and slip those bits in as if you're ad libbing.


* It wasn't lost on me that death has ended at least one of those 7 marriages (been there, done that) but hey, you were looking for humour.

[gremlin]

It's amazing how they keep so slim after eating all that wedding cake.

If only that were the case....

(Between us two, she bought a wedding dress a few months ago that was a size too small, on the conviction that she would drop a dress size. The other week she went out and bought dress no. 2, in her actual size )

[gremlin]

I don't think you can just turn up and be funny or witty with 2 weeks notice.

Fuck off! I'm a natural comedian. I could turn up with 5 minutes notice and have 'em rolling in the aisles, such is my gift for mining the seam of comedy gold.

My mother-in-law, etc., etc....

[Horse]

Quite a few years ago (so recent news), best man speech included:

"Obviously bad form to talk about the groom's previous girlfriends. But the foot and mouth epidemic sorted that."

[Yambo]

Fuck off! I'm a natural comedian. I could turn up with 5 minutes notice and have 'em rolling in the aisles, such is my gift for mining the seam of comedy gold.

My bad.

Just for once, I'd like to be entertaining and witty, but I'm kind of struggling.

That was you being entertaining and witty! Who'd have thunk it!

[Newey]

An early wedding could possibly lead into " if the marriage doesn't work out for you 2 then at least you haven't wasted the whole day"