Jokes Thread

[weeksy]

[KungFooBob]

For the Fronchies.

[ChrisW]

For the Fronchies.

In fairness Aldi are doing some excellent 'summer' macarons at the moment for three quid a pack!

[Taipan]

Was just waking into Currys and saw a dwarf carrying a big old flat screen tv. I said you need hand with that flat screen mate? He said fuck off you know its an ipad you cnut..

[Horse]

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[Taipan]

[Taipan]

[Felix]

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[636mick]

One night I went out with the lads, I told my then wife that I would be home by midnight. As time went by, the hours flew by, the beers were going down well. Around 3 a.m., totally pissed I headed for home. Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hallway started up and cuckooed 3 times.
Quickly, realising she would probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times. I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution in order to avoid a row. (Even when totally smashed… 3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos totals 12 cuckoos= MIDNIGHT!)
The next morning she asked me what time I got in, I told her midnight!! She didn’t seem pissed off in the least. Whew, I got away with that one! Then she said “We need a new cuckoo clock.” When I asked why, she said, “Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said “oh shit” Cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another three times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the coffee table and farted.

[Skub]

Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven:
When they get there, St. Peter says. "We only have one rule here in heaven, don't step on the ducks!"
So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one.
Well, along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw. St. Peter chains them together and says. "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!"
The next day, the second woman steps accidentally on a duck and along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing. With him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first woman.
The third woman has observed all this and not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very careful where she steps.
She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks.
And then one day St.Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on - Very tall, long eyelashes.and muscular.
St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.
The happy woman says. "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?"
The guy says. "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck!"

[KungFooBob]

made i larf.

[v8-powered]

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[Taipan]

[Sadlonelygit]

Now available at Aldi

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[Taipan]

[Taipan]

[Horse]

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[Taipan]

Found this painting in a charity shop, I think it's a Constable...

[Taipan]

[Horse]

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