Best comedy one-liner?

[Wossname]

I don’t think this has been done before, and I was pondering while listening to R4’s “I’m sorry I haven’t a clue”. I’ll start.

Capt Mainwaring in Dad’s Army: “ Don’t tell him, Pike”.

Simple, harmless, clever, funny.

Other suggestions?

[Yorick]

Bob Monkhouse

People used to laugh at me when I said I wanted to be a comedian.
Well they're not laughing now.

[Buckaroo]

Many years ago, I and some mates went into a pub and saw a drag act, where some young Herbert made a snide comment.

As quick as you like, the drag artist said ' go home and tell mummy you saw one '

He ran out of pub, head down, red of face, whilst everyone else laughed.

Ordinarily I wouldn't sit and watch this kind of act, but this bloke was razor sharp with his wit and funny as fu!k. Changed my opinion of this type of show.

[Yorick]

Many years ago, I and some mates went into a pub and saw a drag act, where some young Herbert made a snide comment.

As quick as you like, the drag artist said ' go home and tell mummy you saw one '

He ran out of pub, head down, red of face, whilst everyone else laughed.

Ordinarily I wouldn't sit and watch this kind of act, but this bloke was razor sharp with his wit and funny as fu!k. Changed my opinion of this type of show.

That went over my head

[ZRX61]

I don’t think this has been done before, and I was pondering while listening to R4’s “I’m sorry I haven’t a clue”. I’ll start.

Capt Mainwaring in Dad’s Army: “ Don’t tell him your name, Pike”.

Simple, harmless, clever, funny.

Other suggestions?

Actually "Don't tell him Pike"

[cheb]

Your mum.

[Wossname]

I don’t think this has been done before, and I was pondering while listening to R4’s “I’m sorry I haven’t a clue”. I’ll start.

Capt Mainwaring in Dad’s Army: “ Don’t tell him your name, Pike”.

Simple, harmless, clever, funny.

Other suggestions?

Actually "Don't tell him Pike"

Ah. I stand corrected. Even simpler, clevererer, funnier.
I’ll edit it.

<<crawls away, embarrassed>>

[Dodgy69]

[JackyJoll]

Many years ago, I and some mates went into a pub and saw a drag act, where some young Herbert made a snide comment.

As quick as you like, the drag artist said ' go home and tell mummy you saw one '

He ran out of pub, head down, red of face, whilst everyone else laughed.

Ordinarily I wouldn't sit and watch this kind of act, but this bloke was razor sharp with his wit and funny as fu!k. Changed my opinion of this type of show.

Saw one what?

[Buckaroo]

Many years ago, I and some mates went into a pub and saw a drag act, where some young Herbert made a snide comment.

As quick as you like, the drag artist said ' go home and tell mummy you saw one '

He ran out of pub, head down, red of face, whilst everyone else laughed.

Ordinarily I wouldn't sit and watch this kind of act, but this bloke was razor sharp with his wit and funny as fu!k. Changed my opinion of this type of show.

Saw one what?

The snide comment was about ' fuc!!ing queer' hence the drag artist's comment.

Maybe I should have passed on this one...... that'll teach me

[JackyJoll]

Many years ago, I and some mates went into a pub and saw a drag act, where some young Herbert made a snide comment.

As quick as you like, the drag artist said ' go home and tell mummy you saw one '

He ran out of pub, head down, red of face, whilst everyone else laughed.

Ordinarily I wouldn't sit and watch this kind of act, but this bloke was razor sharp with his wit and funny as fu!k. Changed my opinion of this type of show.

Saw one what?

The snide comment was about ' fuc!!ing queer' hence the drag artist's comment.

Maybe I should have passed on this one...... that'll teach me

No worries- this conversation is pretty funny!

[Yambo]

Wife, both sons, eldest boy's fiancee and I were all in N.I. staying at the BiL's (over his back fence was a bit of the NW 200 course). We'd just had dinner and eldest boy's fiancee (T) was helping to clear up.

T: What should I do with this cabbage?
Trumps (my youngest lad): Why don't you just marry him?

[Count Steer]

Wife, both sons, eldest boy's fiancee and I were all in N.I. staying at the BiL's (over his back fence was a bit of the NW 200 course). We'd just had dinner and eldest boy's fiancee (T) was helping to clear up.

T: What should I do with this cabbage?
Trumps (my youngest lad): Why don't you just marry him?

Reminds me of the Thatcher sketch of her and the Cabinet having a meal.

Waiter: 'And the vegetables ma'am?'
Thatcher: 'They'll have the same as me'.

[McSatan]

“If I am a child, you know what that makes you? A paedophile. And I'll be damned if I'm going to stand here and be lectured by a pervert.”

[Skub]

Groucho Marx had so many one liners.

Anyone who says he can see though women is missing a lot.

No man goes before his time,unless his boss leaves early.

[mangocrazy]

Groucho Marx had so many one liners.

Anyone who says he can see though women is missing a lot.

No man goes before his time,unless his boss leaves early.

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

[Yorick]

T.C.

Doctor, Doctor. It hurts when I do this.

Well don't do it.

[wheelnut]

"So I’m at the wailing wall, standing there like a moron, with my harpoon."

[mangocrazy]

Mrs. Merton (aka Caroline Aherne) - "so what was it that first attracted you to the millionaire Paul Daniels?"

[Bigjawa]

"Yes you did, you invaded Poland!"