Depression

[Noggin]

I've read through this whole thread and felt there's not a lot I can offer. Until this.

If you top yourself then the people you leave behind, and especially the person that finds you, will never recover.
I’d tell you how I know this but I’m not capable of talking about it yet, perhaps never, so you’ll just have to trust me.

As you can't, maybe I can.

I still can't imagine what it was like for my dad to find my brother hanging.
Graham killed himself when he was 23 and I was 19, and I've always wished that I'd found him rather than my dad. I can only imagine that there's not a lot worse than finding your child dead by their own hand.

I don't suppose any of you who've met me IRL would think it, given my general attitude being irritating cheerful, but by that point in my life I'd already seriously tried to end it twice (thankfully my parents only knew about one of those occasions), and my brother had tried seriously once before too (that we know of).

As a direct result of seeing the impact of his death, I made myself a promise that as long as my parents/any people or animals who are dependent on me are alive, I won't do it.

I also won't judge anybody for their choices in this - feeling like you want to end it all is shitty and horrible, and in my personal experience feels strangely rational and unemotional, and you either get through it or you don't.

Generally speaking though, your friends and family would prefer it if you stuck around

Obviously (I hope) liked for what you have said not for what happened. Also, sending hugs to you xx


I do think that there are very few people that make it obvious that they are suffering. Most people have a mask they wear to protect others (and themselves to a degree) from seeing exactly how they are feeling.

Wasn't it Robin Williams that said something like, the most cheerful and funny people are often the most broken inside?

Similarly to you, it was seeing and feeling the devastation on those left behind that follows a suicide that made me determined not to go through with it whenever I really want to quit in recent years.

Also, I keep telling myself that life REALLY WILL GET BETTER - sometimes I need to shout that over and over to actually have any sense of belief, but that's worked so far!!

[Yorick]

I've had some bad times and been close to the edge a couple of times. But over the last few days I've become pals with a lovely couple on holiday from Leeds. We initially chatted about bikes and he used to live near Carnaby and went to all the meetings in early 80s, so had seen me race a few times

Then they let slip that his wife was poorly. Aggressive breast cancer which will get her in next year and a brain aneurysm which could get her any day, It's hereditary and already taken 2 of her siblings.

She's so confident and happy and trying her best to enjoy life. Striving for more days alive

This makes the choice to end your own life seem a bit stupid. That thought will sort out any future demons for me

I hope we have a long friendship as they're over again in January and I'm gonna take them for a 4WD tour

[tricol]

Lot's of relevant posts on these last few pages for me.

I genuinely hope that everyone who is suffering finds the peace they need to carry on. I don't have the same outlook on myself, that's for sure.

It's coming into the worst time of year for me. Winter. The short days, long nights, cold temps.

I've been clinging on with my finger nails for a few months now. My dad is going through cancer treatment. My mum is in the final stages of her dementia. Being in a different country makes it really difficult to deal with. I have no idea how to feel about it or how to handle it. It's added this huge weight onto my already crumbling shoulders.

My days are just filled with my anxiety being all over the place. One minute I think I'm alright, the next it feels like doomsday. You think you will get used to it but it's a constant drain.

Even on the recent thread I posted about the new MT, I've almost talked myself into selling the bike. That's how my brain works, it focuses on something negative and tries to make the worst out of sometimes really trivial situations. Then it spirals out of control, so I started thinking about the money I spent on getting the bike in the first place and how I was stupid to make the decision I did.

I tried loads of CBT years ago and I always seemed to get textbook principles used on me, but nothing worked. I always felt worse after sessions of CBT.

[weeksy]

Even on the recent thread I posted about the new MT, I've almost talked myself into selling the bike. That's how my brain works, it focuses on something negative and tries to make the worst out of sometimes really trivial situations. Then it spirals out of control, so I started thinking about the money I spent on getting the bike in the first place and how I was stupid to make the decision I did.

Clearly not quite related to the topic, but sort of.. If it's not making you go WOAH when you see/sit on it... then just get rid and get something else. There's little point saying "well i've lost .." you've not lost anything, you've just spent it and found what you bought isn't right. Like if you buy a burger that's average not great, you spend it, it's gone... move on. A bike is just a 'product' in the same way...

Find out with better test-riding what you DO want.... and make that happen instead. Life's too short for shit bikes.

[tricol]

I think I treat is as more complicated than that.

After years and years of being up to my neck in debt, I wanted this purchase to the right one. And in many ways it is (I even typed 'was' rather than 'is'). I'm not sure about the WOAH factor. But that's because if I had a Panigale in the garage I'd give myself a hard over that probably because I can't ride it fast. I have to not kid myself, I'm a new rider, only 3 years experience. Maybe I should have stuck with the Trident? Maybe I should have bought a shitter? Maybe I'm kidding myself thinking that it would be better for me if these upgrades on another bike make me a better ride, and in turn, happier. This is how my brain works, it jumps all over the doubt. Let's face it, I'm not using the MT to anywhere near it's capabilities, so why should I wreck my head over it's new riding position ffs!

Sorry, I hope this isn't going off topic too much.

[Yorick]

I think I treat is as more complicated than that.

After years and years of being up to my neck in debt, I wanted this purchase to the right one. And in many ways it is (I even typed 'was' rather than 'is'). I'm not sure about the WOAH factor. But that's because if I had a Panigale in the garage I'd give myself a hard over that probably because I can't ride it fast. I have to not kid myself, I'm a new rider, only 3 years experience. Maybe I should have stuck with the Trident? Maybe I should have bought a shitter? Maybe I'm kidding myself thinking that it would be better for me if these upgrades on another bike make me a better ride, and in turn, happier. This is how my brain works, it jumps all over the doubt. Let's face it, I'm not using the MT to anywhere near it's capabilities, so why should I wreck my head over it's new riding position ffs!

Sorry, I hope this isn't going off topic too much.

You crack on mate. Just talk. We'll listen.

[DefTrap]

I recently had 'a wobble'. I won't go into great detail, as far as impact goes really it was the most insignificant of insignificances, but the long and short of it was that out-of-the-blue I'm a bit crackers in a very specific way. It's a hard thing to take when the entire world sees a situation one way, and yet you yourself see it exactly the polar opposite and it all seems very clear, logical and indisputable - this was the bit I struggled with "Is everyone fibbing to me, including my nearest and dearest, those who love you the best?" It seems very cruel.

I'm not over it, I'm just slightly over the hill of accepting it, but I do now 'get it', and I really feel for those of you where mental health suffering has a big impact on their lives.

[mangocrazy]

I think I treat is as more complicated than that.

After years and years of being up to my neck in debt, I wanted this purchase to the right one. And in many ways it is (I even typed 'was' rather than 'is'). I'm not sure about the WOAH factor. But that's because if I had a Panigale in the garage I'd give myself a hard over that probably because I can't ride it fast. I have to not kid myself, I'm a new rider, only 3 years experience. Maybe I should have stuck with the Trident? Maybe I should have bought a shitter? Maybe I'm kidding myself thinking that it would be better for me if these upgrades on another bike make me a better ride, and in turn, happier. This is how my brain works, it jumps all over the doubt. Let's face it, I'm not using the MT to anywhere near it's capabilities, so why should I wreck my head over it's new riding position ffs!

Sorry, I hope this isn't going off topic too much.

I really, really wouldn't beat yourself up about not riding your bike to the limit of its capabilities. I'm prepared to bet that no-one on here does or can. Unless you're at least at BSB level, you're not going to use all the bike can do. I know it's easy to say, but don't feel bad that you can't ride as fast as someone else. I'm sure that everyone on here knows someone who's quicker than them, probably quite a few in fact. Unless yo'ure Marquez/Rossi/Stoner/Doohan/Lawson (delete as appropriate) there will always be someone 'better' than you.

What's important is the enjoyment you get out of the bike, the fun, the exhilaration, the pride of ownership , even the pleasure you can get from tinkering or doing maintenance. And if you find that there are things that get in the way of your enjoyment, those are the things you need to think about and find a way round, be it riding position, a jerky throttle, suspension that doesn't suit you etc. etc. All of those are fixable if you want to keep the MT, or there's the option of changing to a different bike. If you're not getting what you want out of a bike, then either fix it or change it - you don't have to view your choice as irreversible and absolutely no-one would 'judge' you for it. In fact most of the folk on here get quite excited any time anyone is thinking of changing their bike...

[Yorick]

I think I treat is as more complicated than that.

After years and years of being up to my neck in debt, I wanted this purchase to the right one. And in many ways it is (I even typed 'was' rather than 'is'). I'm not sure about the WOAH factor. But that's because if I had a Panigale in the garage I'd give myself a hard over that probably because I can't ride it fast. I have to not kid myself, I'm a new rider, only 3 years experience. Maybe I should have stuck with the Trident? Maybe I should have bought a shitter? Maybe I'm kidding myself thinking that it would be better for me if these upgrades on another bike make me a better ride, and in turn, happier. This is how my brain works, it jumps all over the doubt. Let's face it, I'm not using the MT to anywhere near it's capabilities, so why should I wreck my head over it's new riding position ffs!

Sorry, I hope this isn't going off topic too much.

I really, really wouldn't beat yourself up about not riding your bike to the limit of its capabilities. I'm prepared to bet that no-one on here does or can. Unless you're at least at BSB level, you're not going to use all the bike can do. I know it's easy to say, but don't feel bad that you can't ride as fast as someone else. I'm sure that everyone on here knows someone who's quicker than them, probably quite a few in fact. Unless yo'ure Marquez/Rossi/Stoner/Doohan/Lawson (delete as appropriate) there will always be someone 'better' than you.

What's important is the enjoyment you get out of the bike, the fun, the exhilaration, the pride of ownership , even the pleasure you can get from tinkering or doing maintenance. And if you find that there are things that get in the way of your enjoyment, those are the things you need to think about and find a way round, be it riding position, a jerky throttle, suspension that doesn't suit you etc. etc. All of those are fixable if you want to keep the MT, or there's the option of changing to a different bike. If you're not getting what you want out of a bike, then either fix it or change it - you don't have to view your choice as irreversible and absolutely no-one would 'judge' you for it. In fact most of the folk on here get quite excited any time anyone is thinking of changing their bike...

Taipan soon

[MyLittleStudPony]

I recently had 'a wobble'. I won't go into great detail, as far as impact goes really it was the most insignificant of insignificances, but the long and short of it was that out-of-the-blue I'm a bit crackers in a very specific way. It's a hard thing to take when the entire world sees a situation one way, and yet you yourself see it exactly the polar opposite and it all seems very clear, logical and indisputable - this was the bit I struggled with "Is everyone fibbing to me, including my nearest and dearest, those who love you the best?" It seems very cruel.

I'm not over it, I'm just slightly over the hill of accepting it, but I do now 'get it', and I really feel for those of you where mental health suffering has a big impact on their lives.

I hope you're ok, I'm glad you're aware of it and dealing with it.

When I had my biggy, it was like I became a different person, on a different planet, having someone else's thoughts. Ok, it wasn't a different planet, it was this one but some stuff was very much not as per reality. The thing was I knew it was mental health making me believe or feel or sometimes hear and smell those unreal things. But that didn't turn them of or negate them - to me that was still 100% reality. Weird I know.

[tricol]

I really, really wouldn't beat yourself up about not riding your bike to the limit of its capabilities

That's the tip of the iceberg. I know I've made this about the MT, being a very recent example. But I think lots of my issues stem from the usual low self asteem. It's been talked about many times, in CBT, or other talking therapies. Never really got to the bottom of it. I decided all on my own that I'm shite at most things, whether it's doing something physical, or making stupid choices that I later regret.

I never had any positive re-inforcement growing up. I never got any praise from my parents, I never got asked about the things I liked doing. Only ever being grumbled at, usually for coming home covered in mud from riding my bike or playing football. Nobody took an interest in me. I think that just fills me with self doubt at everything, right down to the silly things like above. You'd think I'd have it figured out at 41.

[MyLittleStudPony]

Lot's of relevant posts on these last few pages for me.

I genuinely hope that everyone who is suffering finds the peace they need to carry on. I don't have the same outlook on myself, that's for sure.

It's coming into the worst time of year for me. Winter. The short days, long nights, cold temps.

I've been clinging on with my finger nails for a few months now. My dad is going through cancer treatment. My mum is in the final stages of her dementia. Being in a different country makes it really difficult to deal with. I have no idea how to feel about it or how to handle it. It's added this huge weight onto my already crumbling shoulders.

My days are just filled with my anxiety being all over the place. One minute I think I'm alright, the next it feels like doomsday. You think you will get used to it but it's a constant drain.

Even on the recent thread I posted about the new MT, I've almost talked myself into selling the bike. That's how my brain works, it focuses on something negative and tries to make the worst out of sometimes really trivial situations. Then it spirals out of control, so I started thinking about the money I spent on getting the bike in the first place and how I was stupid to make the decision I did.

I tried loads of CBT years ago and I always seemed to get textbook principles used on me, but nothing worked. I always felt worse after sessions of CBT.

That sounds hard, and I'm sorry to hear about your parents too. You are doing well, keeping things on an even keel and being logical and sensible and communicating about these issues.

I don't know what the answer will be for you. For me it was antidepressants and time and the right people supporting me; but that was me and we're all different.

I do know that when I was down, and also with friends who've had it, there is always an up after each down and after a while things look and feel more normal and happy again.

[Dodgy69]

https://maps.app.goo.gl/DJpG6CGGVdkbMcDh7

Two nights in Llandudno, nice restaurants close by, nice walks, does us all a world of good.

[MrLongbeard]

https://maps.app.goo.gl/DJpG6CGGVdkbMcDh7

Two nights in Llandudno, nice restaurants close by, nice walks, does us all a world of good.

I was there earlier in the year, quite nice if it wasn't filled with tourists

[Yorick]

15 minutes ago I started screaming and if there'd been a gun here, I'd have used it.

I made great pals with a lovely couple and the missus is slowly dying. Have made great pals and when we parted earlier it was a bit weepy.

Head was in a mess walking home and when I got in, Pen was on the patio with her UK pals having a great old time giggling and drinking

My head went and wanted to throw and smash things. The urge was berserk, so I screamed. Pen came in and just gave me a long quiet hug.

Calm now but was real scary. Walking nightmare.

The head is a funny thing.

CBA to explain the whole thing, but could write pages and pages trying to explain it

I'm trembling inside, but no idea why. I'm so so happy really, but sometimes I just feel shit. Sometimes 100% unhappy, rather than depressed

[MyLittleStudPony]

Yorick, that sounds scary and really not nice.

I'm glad nothing worse happened and Pen sounds great, you are lucky to have her love and support.

Have you considered getting professional help? I don't mean that facetiously, it might make things better going forward. Maybe you already have, just a thought.

I hope you feel ok now.

[Yorick]

Yorick, that sounds scary and really not nice.

I'm glad nothing worse happened and Pen sounds great, you are lucky to have her love and support.

Have you considered getting professional help? I don't mean that facetiously, it might make things better going forward. Maybe you already have, just a thought.

I hope you feel ok now.

At the time I knew it was only temporary, but still scary. I am learning to live with it and deal with it.
Most of the time I'm happy as Larry.

[tricol]

Sounds pretty horrible @Yorick

Do you often feel angry? I never used to feel angry, but the older I've got the worst I've got. Thankfully I don't verbalize it or anything, I end up shutting down with it.

Today has already started sh1te with work stuff that is going to be a pain.

[Yorick]

Sounds pretty horrible @Yorick

Do you often feel angry? I never used to feel angry, but the older I've got the worst I've got. Thankfully I don't verbalize it or anything, I end up shutting down with it.

Today has already started sh1te with work stuff that is going to be a pain.

No, I rarely feel angry about anything. But often anxious and frustrated.

[tricol]

I think I will likely keep it, as I'll have to stump up more money to get something else and I know that will add in more stress.

On another note, I haven't been on medication for my depression/anxiety for years. I found it didn't do anything for me other than some nasty side effects. I do wonder now if it is time to revisit. Something has to change because I'm close to having a breakdown.