Stupid work sayings..

[Mr. Dazzle]

My new-ish boss has decided that he's still in the military (which must have been decades ago now) and that somehow he can make me feel like some sort of battlefield-die-for-you-comrade by calling me 'brother' every 5 minutes in meetings. Weirdo.

Lunch is at thirteen hundred hours.

[Taipan]

"Grow the business/department" irks me.

[Yorick]

When the boss tells me the pool needs cleaning

[Le_Fromage_Grande]

I work at a dock, we do management speak, but with a lot more swearing.

For instance

Normal workplace "I think you're wrong"
Dock "Fuck off you stupid twat"

Normal workplace "Please stop doing that"
Dock "Stop acting like a twat you cunt"

[JackyJoll]

I work at a dock, we do management speak, but with a lot more swearing.

“Never assume. It makes a cunt out of you and every other fucking cunt!”

[The Martian]

Starting a rundown of a job with "obviously..." If it was obvious you wouldn't need to explain.

"Touch base" if you touch my base I'm gonna slap you like a bitch.


My favourite work catchphrase is;
There's no I in team but there is a U in cunt

[Count Steer]

[gremlin]

Best one lately is a notice board being referred to as an 'Information Radiator'.

Another one for sacking lots of people was 'Rightsizing'.

[Mr. Dazzle]

Cover every meeting whiteboard with complete cobblers for the next group to ponder...

[Yorick]

Benchmark has probably been used since time immemorial. Perfect sense.

[demographic]

"Well, it is what it is"

Which seems to mean "I've fucked up and would rather everyone tried their hardest to cover up for me"


Most times we don't really have to put up too much with wankword tossers cos we rip the piss fairly sharp, they tend to prefer a layer of middlemen between us proles and their bollocks.

[Count Steer]

Here's my inspiration. Soz about the image quality, the original is so old I think it was done on a typewriter.

[Mr. Dazzle]

Benchmark, Fast Track, Gap Analysis, Bandwidth, Knowledge Base and Leverage all have legit, real meanings IMO.

I suppose it's the context in which they're used which would make 'em BS

[Count Steer]

Some 'proper' guidelines.

[Bike Breaker]

I remember management speak from my working days.
"I understand all the individual words but I have no idea what they mean when you put them together."
That didn't go down too well with the senior management who had been on an efficiency management course. They never told us what they learned but they came back with three large Lego bricks in different colours.

[Cousin Jack]

I used to be fluent in management bullshit, but I have forgotten most of it. Now I just talk ordinary every-day bullshit.

[Yorick]

I used to be fluent in management bullshit, but I have forgotten most of it. Now I just talk ordinary every-day bullshit.

If ya can't stun 'em wi' science, baffle 'em wi' bullshit

[G.P]

You know the ones "thinking out of the box", "bluesky it"

I got a new one today

"we are looking to sunset this application"

I mean REALLY... WTF.. how on earth do people come up with these things !

By being American usually helps a lot. I think they invent these terms and phrases to disguise the incredibly high levels of stupid.

[McSatan]

In my last part time job (NHS Corporate Governance) before I gave up work completely as a bad idea, everyone was invited to add their preferred pronouns to their email signature. I was sent on a course[1] after complaints for putting " Me Me Me" in the sig space.

[1] Not even a real course where I could have had a bit of sport, but an online one where I just had to tick boxes.

[Mr Moofo]

"Reaching out" - for fuck's sake, just say "can you discuss?"
White Space
Let's park this for now
Human Resources Partnerships ... they are anything but