Things your other half says

[Yambo]

[gremlin]

Went to see my mum and stepdad at the weekend. He told Mrs. Gremlin, clearly expecting some credit, that he'd bought my mum a floor polisher as a surprise gift.

Her reply to this was to point at me and tell him, 'If he ever bought me a domestic appliance as a surprise gift, I'd club him death with it'.

[ninja]

I asked my girlfriend something the other morning, I can't remember what it was. She was doing her morning sitting on the sofa with a cup of tea catching up with her phone. She said, "Hang on a minute, I'm just watching a Japanese woman riding an electric goat."

[slowsider]

A goat, from Kawasaki.

Is it true that Suzuki are working on a donkey?

[Dodgy69]

I'm too tired, maybe tomorrow. ☹

[Jody]

Not my other half but a colleague

I've just helped her put a load of gas BBQs together, the last job is attaching the hoses, I'm using my Snap-on 1/4 drive ratchet, extension and an 8mm socket....

Her " Ohhh I like that little wee tool you have "

Jody " Well that's the first time a woman has said that to me "

[Mr. Dazzle]

They normally don't like it then?

[slowsider]

Not my other half but a colleague

Give it time

[Silly Car]

Her: I’m in a really bad mood with you!

Me: WTF have I done now?

Her: You were horrible to me in my dream last night…

Me:…………….

[Scud]

Her: I’m in a really bad mood with you!

Me: WTF have I done now?

Her: You were horrible to me in my dream last night…

Me:…………….

I’m glad to hear I’m not the only one who gets this

[MingtheMerciless]

Watching a documentary on the Falklands War, Mrs M walks in, stares at the TV, looks at me and states "well I don't know why you're watching that, we lost".

[Le_Fromage_Grande]

Watching a documentary on the Falklands War, Mrs M walks in, stares at the TV, looks at me and states "well I don't know why you're watching that, we lost".

You married an Argie?

[Flux]

One of my wife's favourite sayings is "where have all these cunts come from"?
She first said it much to the horror of the chap next to her (she thought was me) whilst waiting to cross an usually busy road.

[ZRX61]

It's not funny, it's bloody annoying. Most English people will at least try to pronounce French/Spanish/etc correctly, but mispronounce a Welsh place name and just shrug it off, or make a joke of it. If I can get Loughborough right, you can at least make an effort with Llanelli.

Welsh is pronounced how it's spelled, unlike Scots and Irish gaelic whose spelling bears no resemblance to its pronunciation

Was in Nottingham one day & some woman asked if I knew how to get to Loo-Bar-roo...

[ZRX61]

My missus was writing out invitations...

Her - What's Rays second name?
Me - Mond.
Her speaking out loud as she writes - Raaaay....Mond

Several seconds go by...

Her - Dickhead

He has a brother....

... Des

[Count Steer]

There are a number of things mine says that all have the same effect. Sort of a combination of an icy hand gripping my heart and a triggering of the 'fight or flight' mechanism - adrenalin rush, elevated pulse, skin goes pale as capillaries shrink to reduce likely blood loss etc etc. These include:

'I've been thinking....'
'Do you think we should....'
'I've had an idea...'
'I wonder if...'
'What do you know about...'

I just went pale typing them.

[Taipan]

Having Sunday lunch in the pub and someone my wife would rather not see, sits at the table behind us. My wife has her back to her and hasn't seen her. I whisper to my wife, "You'll never guess who has just sat down behind you"?
She says, "Who"?
So I whisper, "Karen Hobson".
She replies, "Kevin Costner"!

[weeksy]

Having Sunday lunch in the pub and someone my wife would rather not see, sits at the table behind us. My wife has her back to her and hasn't seen her. I whisper to my wife, "You'll never guess who has just sat down behind you"?
She says, "Who"?
So I whisper, "Karen Hobson".
She replies, "Kevin Costner"!

Who ?

[Mr. Dazzle]

It's not funny, it's bloody annoying. Most English people will at least try to pronounce French/Spanish/etc correctly, but mispronounce a Welsh place name and just shrug it off, or make a joke of it. If I can get Loughborough right, you can at least make an effort with Llanelli.

Welsh is pronounced how it's spelled, unlike Scots and Irish gaelic whose spelling bears no resemblance to its pronunciation

Was in Nottingham one day & some woman asked if I knew how to get to Loo-Bar-roo...

Variations are much embraced by the stoodents IME. "Looga" was pretty common and the union website was something like lufbra.com.

[Count Steer]

It's not funny, it's bloody annoying. Most English people will at least try to pronounce French/Spanish/etc correctly, but mispronounce a Welsh place name and just shrug it off, or make a joke of it. If I can get Loughborough right, you can at least make an effort with Llanelli.

Welsh is pronounced how it's spelled, unlike Scots and Irish gaelic whose spelling bears no resemblance to its pronunciation

Was in Nottingham one day & some woman asked if I knew how to get to Loo-Bar-roo...

Variations are much embraced by the stoodents IME. "Looga" was pretty common and the union website was something like lufbra.com.

Loogabarooga if you want the full Australian version but even they would wonder at 'Dottigub' in the next county over.